simon-anderson - Hello Poetry

Nervous happiness Reverse of the silly mess that made you feel anything less Release of negative pressure It now becomes the lesser and you hesitantly move ahead Every other time you’ve fled, but now you try to be brave Try to save what’s left of your compassionate state Regress the hate and illuminate something that could be worthwhile You have all the while to ponder all the possible mistakes The mornings you could wake full of hangover and heartache You have all the while to worry of the things that may never be Of the things you can’t see, you can spend all your time wondering But worry and wonder will make you slip under, into an ocean of fantasy and pretend In the end, reality is what you’re living and giving your time to worry is a waste Take a taste of happiness Let yourself experience bliss And fall in without apprehension You could drown in the tension of worry and wonder You could slip under and never really live So let yourself fall into happiness wholeheartedly You are all you have to give

0

Oct 16, 2011

Oct 16, 2011 at 7:12 AM UTC

simon-anderson

all we really have is ourselves

Nervous happiness Reverse of the silly mess that made you feel anything less Release of negative pressure It now becomes the lesser and you hesitantly move ahead Every other time you’ve fled, but now you try to be brave Try to save what’s left of your compassionate state Regress the hate and illuminate something that could be worthwhile You have all the while to ponder all the possible mistakes The mornings you could wake full of hangover and heartache You have all the while to worry of the things that may never be Of the things you can’t see, you can spend all your time wondering But worry and wonder will make you slip under, into an ocean of fantasy and pretend In the end, reality is what you’re living and giving your time to worry is a waste Take a taste of happiness Let yourself experience bliss And fall in without apprehension You could drown in the tension of worry and wonder You could slip under and never really live So let yourself fall into happiness wholeheartedly You are all you have to give

20

What if instead of fighting nature we had followed through And became something bigger than just me and you? What if we hadn’t chosen based on fear and uncertainty? Do you wonder every time you look at me? I know you can see it in my eyes The curiosity and doubt Do you find yourself surprised? What I was once with I am now without It’s so much different to be more than one To house a living baby inside To know it’s growing Be afraid of your stomach showing And wondering how everything will be alright It’s a big feeling To know that parts of us both were growing inside A little of you and a little of me Knowing there would be no other way to hide We were too young and too naïve Not grown up enough for that kind of life to lead Not mature enough to know what to do Not old enough to face reality So we ran Fled across the state to a place with laws more lenient A place more accepting where I could be anonymous You didn’t want me to leave your side Afterwards I cried and cried and cried I went from two heartbeats to one In a decision that can’t be undone You gripped me so tightly when the nurse called my name You wouldn’t eat, you wouldn’t sleep And since then nothing has been the same I stood to follow the nurse and prepare for surgery I’ll never forget how you held on to me You were just as scared as me And in your eyes I crumbled instantly You let go and the rest is a blur I woke up sometime later in a room full of women I sobbed uncontrollably In the waiting room you ran to me You helped me walk to the car Past the protesters and their condemning signs Out of the building and out of a memory I wanted to put behind But the signs They follow me constantly A pregnant woman, a baby, billboards and news The guilt isn’t new to me The judging looks I received The fear I believed it would take away Instead I’m left with a feeling everyday That reminds me of what I’ve done I took the heartbeat of two and turned it into one We were too **** young And way too afraid Too childish to understand the choices we made Too childish for a child But to feel that heartbeat ever so mild And then for it to disappear I’m lost without it here I miss you

0

Oct 16, 2011

Oct 16, 2011 at 7:02 AM UTC

simon-anderson

a year and a half later

What if instead of fighting nature we had followed through And became something bigger than just me and you? What if we hadn’t chosen based on fear and uncertainty? Do you wonder every time you look at me? I know you can see it in my eyes The curiosity and doubt Do you find yourself surprised? What I was once with I am now without It’s so much different to be more than one To house a living baby inside To know it’s growing Be afraid of your stomach showing And wondering how everything will be alright It’s a big feeling To know that parts of us both were growing inside A little of you and a little of me Knowing there would be no other way to hide We were too young and too naïve Not grown up enough for that kind of life to lead Not mature enough to know what to do Not old enough to face reality So we ran Fled across the state to a place with laws more lenient A place more accepting where I could be anonymous You didn’t want me to leave your side Afterwards I cried and cried and cried I went from two heartbeats to one In a decision that can’t be undone You gripped me so tightly when the nurse called my name You wouldn’t eat, you wouldn’t sleep And since then nothing has been the same I stood to follow the nurse and prepare for surgery I’ll never forget how you held on to me You were just as scared as me And in your eyes I crumbled instantly You let go and the rest is a blur I woke up sometime later in a room full of women I sobbed uncontrollably In the waiting room you ran to me You helped me walk to the car Past the protesters and their condemning signs Out of the building and out of a memory I wanted to put behind But the signs They follow me constantly A pregnant woman, a baby, billboards and news The guilt isn’t new to me The judging looks I received The fear I believed it would take away Instead I’m left with a feeling everyday That reminds me of what I’ve done I took the heartbeat of two and turned it into one We were too **** young And way too afraid Too childish to understand the choices we made Too childish for a child But to feel that heartbeat ever so mild And then for it to disappear I’m lost without it here I miss you

59

Every time I think about it Dream about it I’m taken back to age 17 I didn’t know what it would mean For my future, my life, my soul Taking its toll, it eats away at me Acidic memory, burning every part of me Taking over me and taking me apart My mind is where it starts Putting every memory on rewind Until I’m so far behind I can’t catch up Freezing me in a moment I wasn’t strong enough Taking over my future with the past Replaying over and over again How long will this last? The burning acid moves to my eyes Proceeding to terrorize every time I blink I watch it over and over again I can’t think Memory spreads now to my heart Tearing it apart Refusing to let any new emotion in Restricting me from starting again Holding my heart hostage with guilt, pain and fear Frozen in time; I’m stuck here. The only release When my heart skips a beat Although the guilt is never complete Temporarily it leaves Acidic memories falling down my face Taking with them everything about that place Allowing me to escape, for a just a short time To live in the now and leave the past behind I can’t control the memories When they will appear again or how long they will last I can’t hide from the past or pretend it wasn’t real I can’t control how I feel My life is dictated by this painful, burning memory But by remembering, it’s almost as if you’re still with me

0

Oct 16, 2011

Oct 16, 2011 at 6:58 AM UTC

simon-anderson

I'd rather hurt forever than forget you

Every time I think about it Dream about it I’m taken back to age 17 I didn’t know what it would mean For my future, my life, my soul Taking its toll, it eats away at me Acidic memory, burning every part of me Taking over me and taking me apart My mind is where it starts Putting every memory on rewind Until I’m so far behind I can’t catch up Freezing me in a moment I wasn’t strong enough Taking over my future with the past Replaying over and over again How long will this last? The burning acid moves to my eyes Proceeding to terrorize every time I blink I watch it over and over again I can’t think Memory spreads now to my heart Tearing it apart Refusing to let any new emotion in Restricting me from starting again Holding my heart hostage with guilt, pain and fear Frozen in time; I’m stuck here. The only release When my heart skips a beat Although the guilt is never complete Temporarily it leaves Acidic memories falling down my face Taking with them everything about that place Allowing me to escape, for a just a short time To live in the now and leave the past behind I can’t control the memories When they will appear again or how long they will last I can’t hide from the past or pretend it wasn’t real I can’t control how I feel My life is dictated by this painful, burning memory But by remembering, it’s almost as if you’re still with me

39

I forgot your death day this year. It was two weeks past before I remembered the day I killed you. Aborted was what they called it. In the end it all means the same thing. I wonder if the dark of the womb is the same as the dark of dying. There are a million things I want to ask you but know that you won’t have the answer. Won’t tell me any answers. Your heartbeat is something I will never get over. Really it was all you had and, therefore, it was all I had of you. Every tiny piece of you was growing so quickly. I wonder if you would have looked like me. or Him. He would have loved you. He did love you without ever knowing you as more than a couple pounds on my belly. He noticed the weight gain but didn’t believe me when I told him that you were inside of me. somehow I knew. I was terrified, but I knew. Before the tests and I felt you inside of me, growing into a little heartbeat. I was afraid of you. You were so scary for being so small. Now, I wish I knew you. And afterwards I wished I had had more time to think before I killed you. Terminated you. Aborted you. Any way it’s put I’m the murderer and you’re still a memory of a heartbeat that mimicked mine. Where are you now? You won’t tell me.

0

Oct 16, 2011

Oct 16, 2011 at 6:55 AM UTC

simon-anderson

all i had of you

I forgot your death day this year. It was two weeks past before I remembered the day I killed you. Aborted was what they called it. In the end it all means the same thing. I wonder if the dark of the womb is the same as the dark of dying. There are a million things I want to ask you but know that you won’t have the answer. Won’t tell me any answers. Your heartbeat is something I will never get over. Really it was all you had and, therefore, it was all I had of you. Every tiny piece of you was growing so quickly. I wonder if you would have looked like me. or Him. He would have loved you. He did love you without ever knowing you as more than a couple pounds on my belly. He noticed the weight gain but didn’t believe me when I told him that you were inside of me. somehow I knew. I was terrified, but I knew. Before the tests and I felt you inside of me, growing into a little heartbeat. I was afraid of you. You were so scary for being so small. Now, I wish I knew you. And afterwards I wished I had had more time to think before I killed you. Terminated you. Aborted you. Any way it’s put I’m the murderer and you’re still a memory of a heartbeat that mimicked mine. Where are you now? You won’t tell me.

1

So here we lie in our bed of lies but really it’s just a couch in an overheated dorm room. We try to alleviate the aroma of our sin by opening a window, letting the breeze of conscience in. It tousles my hair, but yours lies flat. It cools the sweat on our bodies and the heat of our action. In a moment what was pleasure has turned into shame. I become awkward and wish the courage liquid provided me hadn’t worn off. I notice my naked body in a way I didn’t before. I suddenly want to cover up; I’m embarrassed in front of you. We delved into the initial sin, letting lust be our next. Now we’ve conquered lust and made it our own. But what happens next? Naked bodies, afraid to touch, realizing that the other doesn’t belong to us. It’s still warm in here although the breeze is cooling. Your body is cold and in return so are my words. Awkward silence, each to our own thought. The quickest escape? I can read your mind. I throw you your clothes. We hesitate a goodbye kiss. Goodbye had meant nothing before this. Your face is red, your hair a mess. You leave in a hurry and I’m all too relieved. With the door shut behind you I return to the instigator of our lying bed. Which is really just a couch. Enough liquid: to give me the courage, to ignore the shame, to do it again.

0

Oct 16, 2011

Oct 16, 2011 at 6:53 AM UTC

simon-anderson

My Paradise Lost

So here we lie in our bed of lies but really it’s just a couch in an overheated dorm room. We try to alleviate the aroma of our sin by opening a window, letting the breeze of conscience in. It tousles my hair, but yours lies flat. It cools the sweat on our bodies and the heat of our action. In a moment what was pleasure has turned into shame. I become awkward and wish the courage liquid provided me hadn’t worn off. I notice my naked body in a way I didn’t before. I suddenly want to cover up; I’m embarrassed in front of you. We delved into the initial sin, letting lust be our next. Now we’ve conquered lust and made it our own. But what happens next? Naked bodies, afraid to touch, realizing that the other doesn’t belong to us. It’s still warm in here although the breeze is cooling. Your body is cold and in return so are my words. Awkward silence, each to our own thought. The quickest escape? I can read your mind. I throw you your clothes. We hesitate a goodbye kiss. Goodbye had meant nothing before this. Your face is red, your hair a mess. You leave in a hurry and I’m all too relieved. With the door shut behind you I return to the instigator of our lying bed. Which is really just a couch. Enough liquid: to give me the courage, to ignore the shame, to do it again.

1

Waiting is harder than expected. Distance is shorter than it feels. Time is slower than the clock. And yet we keep holding on to it. Gripping until our knuckles turn white. Our fingers are dug into it and we hold on like it’s the only thing keeping us a float. Holding on is so much harder than letting go when all to hold on to is memories. The raft is shrinking and the simplicity of sinking becoming clearer to me. Mourning the loss of us would be easier than mourning a relationship stretched to its limits. Every day I miss you. Every day I struggle to get through and there’s not prospect of things getting better. I love being together but we’re not together. You took my love to California and my life feels more empty than ever. 10 days is all I will get to reunite my life and my love. My life and my lover. When it’s over I’ll be where I started. Empty hearted but with eyes so full of tears I can’t make them stop. I embarrass myself at public events with my red eyes and sniffling nose. I get the most frustrating pity I never asked for. I feel more alone than my lifestyle permits. I am completely afloat. So sometimes I think of sinking and the simplicity it would bring, but I know I couldn’t let go: you’re knuckles are as white as mine.

0

Oct 16, 2011

Oct 16, 2011 at 6:50 AM UTC

simon-anderson

You Keep Me Afloat

Waiting is harder than expected. Distance is shorter than it feels. Time is slower than the clock. And yet we keep holding on to it. Gripping until our knuckles turn white. Our fingers are dug into it and we hold on like it’s the only thing keeping us a float. Holding on is so much harder than letting go when all to hold on to is memories. The raft is shrinking and the simplicity of sinking becoming clearer to me. Mourning the loss of us would be easier than mourning a relationship stretched to its limits. Every day I miss you. Every day I struggle to get through and there’s not prospect of things getting better. I love being together but we’re not together. You took my love to California and my life feels more empty than ever. 10 days is all I will get to reunite my life and my love. My life and my lover. When it’s over I’ll be where I started. Empty hearted but with eyes so full of tears I can’t make them stop. I embarrass myself at public events with my red eyes and sniffling nose. I get the most frustrating pity I never asked for. I feel more alone than my lifestyle permits. I am completely afloat. So sometimes I think of sinking and the simplicity it would bring, but I know I couldn’t let go: you’re knuckles are as white as mine.

1

Your face is framed in memories my mind refuses to forget I look into your eyes and instantly I’m in the middle of it On top of the tallest building, inside of our favorite bridge Wearing a salt stained gown 5 sizes too big Your eyes bore into mine and I try not to shy away I dig deep trying to find the words to say I miss you; I love you; I dreamt about you last night Words escape my mouth but don’t feel right My words can’t move you or make you real Instead you stay in your frame, not knowing how I feel

0

Oct 16, 2011

Oct 16, 2011 at 6:48 AM UTC

simon-anderson

Photograph

Your face is framed in memories my mind refuses to forget I look into your eyes and instantly I’m in the middle of it On top of the tallest building, inside of our favorite bridge Wearing a salt stained gown 5 sizes too big Your eyes bore into mine and I try not to shy away I dig deep trying to find the words to say I miss you; I love you; I dreamt about you last night Words escape my mouth but don’t feel right My words can’t move you or make you real Instead you stay in your frame, not knowing how I feel

10

I didn’t know waiting would be this Hardly been a Weak is my Body hurting Inside is torn Apart from You are the only One person could hurt like This is more than I asked For the pain to Stop asking me how I’m Doing the best I Can you please come Home doesn’t feel Right is what I’m Trying to Live like you’re Here isn’t Enough would be You and I

0

Oct 16, 2011

Oct 16, 2011 at 6:47 AM UTC

simon-anderson

sobbing in staccato

I didn’t know waiting would be this Hardly been a Weak is my Body hurting Inside is torn Apart from You are the only One person could hurt like This is more than I asked For the pain to Stop asking me how I’m Doing the best I Can you please come Home doesn’t feel Right is what I’m Trying to Live like you’re Here isn’t Enough would be You and I

20

I didn’t know that I could feel this much. Sugar rush, I start to blush, my mouth is stuck in smile. My hands are shaking and if I’m not mistaken you’re feeling it too. Tried and true, through and through cliché upon cliché none of them will do. Love is love and I’m in love with you. Hyperboles are not beyond me, but reality is just as good. Sure I would walk a thousand miles for you and set you free, but what’s the point in saying things that will never be. Forget the would's and listen to the will's: I will love you forever and with all I have. I will do everything in my power to keep us together and make the good outweigh the bad. I will hold you when you’re hurt and take care of you the best I can. I will always be proud of you. I will hold your hand. I will never regret a single moment we are together. And in my mind your name will remain synonymous with forever.

0

Oct 16, 2011

Oct 16, 2011 at 6:46 AM UTC

simon-anderson

My Mouth is Stuck in Smile

I didn’t know that I could feel this much. Sugar rush, I start to blush, my mouth is stuck in smile. My hands are shaking and if I’m not mistaken you’re feeling it too. Tried and true, through and through cliché upon cliché none of them will do. Love is love and I’m in love with you. Hyperboles are not beyond me, but reality is just as good. Sure I would walk a thousand miles for you and set you free, but what’s the point in saying things that will never be. Forget the would's and listen to the will's: I will love you forever and with all I have. I will do everything in my power to keep us together and make the good outweigh the bad. I will hold you when you’re hurt and take care of you the best I can. I will always be proud of you. I will hold your hand. I will never regret a single moment we are together. And in my mind your name will remain synonymous with forever.

1

Telltale stories of a girl too drunk to tell Drunk on love Drunk on lies On drinks she knew all too well Secrets held her mouth when she wanted to scream Forced her to instead close her eyes and dream Dream of something with more hope and more validity Something with more solidity than the webs she continued to weave The life she continued to lead She just wanted to leave Drunk on perceptions She soon learned that truth was second best to pride So all the things she wanted to say always remained inside Lies upon lies hiding her heart Tearing it apart Feelings trapped within Drunk on love but never giving in A false grin Drunk on wishes On false hopes and anticipations of honesty Why should she expect that when lies spill out every time she breathes? Everything is a fabrication Her dreams are reflected in her words She sounds absurd and everyone knows she’s lying They catch her crying She blames it on a drunken state Drunk on the desire to set things straight Drunk on drinks so she doesn’t have to think The drinks do all the talking Her secrets are knocking, begging to be revealed She swears her lips are sealed Forces a suppression of expression A ceasing of all that could give away She’s a drunk And a complete cliché

0

Oct 16, 2011

Oct 16, 2011 at 6:35 AM UTC

simon-anderson

Freshman Year-"It's just a stage"

Telltale stories of a girl too drunk to tell Drunk on love Drunk on lies On drinks she knew all too well Secrets held her mouth when she wanted to scream Forced her to instead close her eyes and dream Dream of something with more hope and more validity Something with more solidity than the webs she continued to weave The life she continued to lead She just wanted to leave Drunk on perceptions She soon learned that truth was second best to pride So all the things she wanted to say always remained inside Lies upon lies hiding her heart Tearing it apart Feelings trapped within Drunk on love but never giving in A false grin Drunk on wishes On false hopes and anticipations of honesty Why should she expect that when lies spill out every time she breathes? Everything is a fabrication Her dreams are reflected in her words She sounds absurd and everyone knows she’s lying They catch her crying She blames it on a drunken state Drunk on the desire to set things straight Drunk on drinks so she doesn’t have to think The drinks do all the talking Her secrets are knocking, begging to be revealed She swears her lips are sealed Forces a suppression of expression A ceasing of all that could give away She’s a drunk And a complete cliché

35