I was 12
when my older brother told me
that my teeth looked like
those of a rabid dog
That was the first time
I really took a look in the mirror
and felt ugly.

I was 13
when I first dragged a blade
across my skin
trying to drain the ugliness
straight from my veins.
That was the first time
that I felt in control.

I was 14
when a friend told my teacher what she saw
and I came home to my parents
sitting in the living room waiting
for me to show them.
That was the first time
that I felt betrayed.

I was 15
when I was forced to see a therapist
who stared at me with knowing eyes
waiting for me to spill
something other than my own blood.
That was the first time
that I realized how easy it is to lie.

I was 16
when I wanted to end my life
I said a few goodbyes
to some people at school
and nobody tried to stop me.
That was the first time
that I felt helpless.

I was 18
when a friend killed himself
making me realize what I didn't
have the guts to do
was the best thing I've never done.
That was the first time
I realized I wanted to live.

Now I'm 20
finally having the courage to write
what I've been waiting to for years.
No longer ashamed of my past
because it's made me who I am.
This is the first time
that I felt brave.