A sharp jolt woke me at quarter to three
My mind’s eye widened at what it did see.
Chilled to the bone and sweating, I shook my wife awake
She sleepily croaked out, “Is the world ending?  ‘Cause that’s the only excuse I will take.”

Ignoring her plea, I quickly dressed and rushed out of bed
While trying like hell to purge shocking images from my head
Jumped on the ‘Net, but without distractions I was bitter
Dead silence from Facebook, not a peep on Twitter

Nothing to do but sit and obsess
I could sue; isn’t this emotional distress?
But who would pay the claim?  Me, myself, or I?
No quick fix coming that way; ******!  I began to cry

The tears kept rushing down my face
Faster and faster, at a breakneck pace
Suddenly from behind, a snide voice made me stop
Her obvious contempt dripped out; “Whaddaya want, a ******’ mop?”

My resulting glare would’ve made Satan run for cover
Why did I ever take this ***** as my lover?
Five years of marriage, and two dating before
Poe’s The Raven came to mind:  Nevermore!  Nevermore!

It felt like the Gods were fighting on high
I could barely see straight; it had all been a lie.
Our whole relationship quickly turned to dust.
Inwardly, I cursed myself for yielding to my lust.

Holiday dinners with our families; true times of love and laughter
I could remember none of that now; forget happily ever after
The beginnings of a smile began to form across my face
“Shut up you stupid cow; you really are a waste of space.”

Her mouth came open; it drew nothing but air
No words could she speak; just an angry, hateful stare
My declaration froze her; the look of shock made my day.
“Still ”, I thought, “should’ve saved that ‘til after one last lay”

My line fazed her but an instant; she was a tough old bird
Belatedly I remembered her joy in always getting the last word
She took a deep breath:  “You asked for this, so here we go,
Your **** is so small, you can’t **** a Cheerio!”

“Did you honestly think you made me *** left and right?
I wasn’t even thinking of you on our wedding night.
I accepted my wet dreams no matter where they came from
Hell, even that **** Captain on your favorite bottle of ***!”

Her words sent me into a manic fit of rage
I could barely see in front of me; it was like a blank page
My world narrowed to seconds, one instant at a time
I seriously contemplated getting away with a crime.

Tonight had spun out of control so fast, like a complicated fable
Should I punch a hole through some walls?  Flip the dining room table?
What would get my point across better than anything else could?
At this point, all I wanted was her to leave for good.

“You think you’re the only one unhappy and put upon?”
I quickly retorted, before her voice could drone on.
“Now seems as good a time as any to tell you this,
Before we met in college, I hooked up with your sis!”

My wife’s screech of anguish rattled everything through the house
But nothing she could say or do would make me feel like a louse
Wickedly I thought about the left behind lingerie
A years ago remnant from her sister’s “present” on my 21st birthday.

Why did I say anything, you may rightly ask
Wasn’t it obvious nothing good would come from the task?
Sometime during every life, you must put up a halting hand
And tell the absolute truth, no matter where the chips may land

Perhaps I could still salvage things; convince her it was just one night?
But that simply wasn’t true, and would lead to more unneeded fights.
A quick and clean break seemed the only honest way
And it needed to happen now, before the light of day.

She chased after me and I ran for my life
My head whipped around as she grabbed a kitchen knife
The door opened quickly, and I bolted toward my car
Destination didn’t matter, just get me somewhere far

My pants began to vibrate; what the **** was happening?
“****!” I repeatedly cursed, it was her sister’s private ring!
I couldn’t hear her message; that was the only saving grace
All the blood rushed to my ****; was she wearing that black lace?

Ducking to avoid thrown objects, I pulled my phone from the pants
Still hearing echoes of my wife’s obscenity-laden rants
Checking the missed call log, I called her sister back
All the while thinking of that mighty impressive rack.

The ignition started up and I floored it down the street
Settling on  her sister’s house where we would no doubt meet
But I had a head start and accounts full of money I could pay
Good thing that the trip is six hours away

My adrenaline quickly lessened; I could barely stay awake
Just how much excitement is one man supposed to take?
Sis picked up on the first ring “I have to see you now!”
“That’s great; same here honey, “I replied.  “Just don’t ask why or how.”

“ I have some terrific news,” sis went on excitedly.
“Something that will really change things up for you and me.’
At that moment, it was clear, no chance of doubt or maybe
I knew my vision had come true; we were going to have a baby!