I may be one of the most confused people who have ever lived or either the biggest fool. Whichever it is: I guess it doesn't matter.

I lay with my head in his lap as he played with my hair. He smiled that wonderful smile he did and ran his hand across my forehead. His voice was like some silken material rubbing against itself and so I sighed at the softness of it. I didn't know what magic he used or if he did at all but I couldn't shake it and I hated my weakness. He spoke and at first I didn't hear a word. My mind had wandered to the point of his goodbye. It would be soon as all he did anymore was drop by to say hello. What was the point anyway?

"You are beautiful." he spoke in my ear and I smiled. The sugary sweetness of his words dripped into my ear and down into my soul. This is why I hated him sometimes. This is why my heart ached so. He would speak such beauty to me and how special I was and then he would leave me. He said he did not lie to me but his actions were so inconsistent.

I rose up from his lap and just stared at him. I couldn't take my eyes from his and I felt the tear threatening to come. I know he hated it when I was sad but I was just so sad lately and no, I still had not found that light he wished for me to find. The light that was here in front of me was just so bright that I saw no other.

"Why do you speak those things to me and then stay away for so long?" I allowed him to take from my eyes the truth of my doubt. Yes, I doubted because no one had every told me the genuine truth. No one that I could remember. I had found that all others before him were liars. It was almost as if I wanted him to be a liar so I could find it before it found me, so I could fix me before I ******* up as I always did....so I could go away before I was rejected.

He sighed and I could see he was about to reprimand me again. "You know I have to leave, and as a matter of fact...I have to be going." He reached out and caressed my cheek smiling.

My shoulders dropped and I nodded. "Yes, of course." I dropped my head as well to hide my hurting.

"Hey, you're the best you know." He reached out to hug me and I allowed it as I always do. I hated the hold he had on me.

whenever he is gone, I think of all the things I want to say. I think of all the angry accusations I want to throw at him to quell my hurting. But everytime he says hello, I just can't do it. And even as I try to walk away, I hear his voice in my ear, and his touch on the wind. He is just a man, a man like any other so why do I feel this way?