When the internet became prevalent I was enthralled by it- curious as to what life had to offer and how everything fit into one box a ****-load of information in one place a journey to discovery I never had before except in books and news stories. I always stayed up late on my dad's computer tower below me- humming, humming as I swayed feet dangling from the computer chair I was just a small child. Age 8- browsing something called a history it showed me everything my father did. I wanted him to be proud of me so I tried to mock his interests until I found his ****. "BIG ***** BLONDES" "*** GUZZLING *****" My eyes widened- I was going to throw up. I regurgitated the anxiety of my life onto the computer screen I became entranced by discovery of the fuckery keeping tabs on the tabs he had opened. Age 10- found my dad was on a dating website for hookups found his ***** emails to other women and more ****- that he paid for. Building up ammo to throw in his face until I was awake middle of the night saw it right in front of mine. Looking out my bedroom window two ****** in the hot-tub one on either side of my mother's husband- all naked. I shut my eyes and walked away. Laid in bed and thought about how my mother was asleep in the next room. I would like to think this is the reason for my trust issues. Why social media scares the **** out of me because this day and age there's consistent access to the fuckery- a window of opportunities.
My first boyfriend would never let me see his phone I didn't really want to but every time I got near it maybe to check the time or hand it to him when it rang he got nervous- conflicted and anxious. Tore it away from my hands on multiple occasions never thought twice, just thought he was protective of privacy. He was cheating on me- with my best friend. How cliche.
Age I don't know 16. Met a boy who liked the same music as me- made me laugh every time we spoke and I felt like I could finally be myself but he was inconsistent- a mind-**** and would go weeks without talking to me. Then he would treat me like I was his and invite me out with his friends. Drunken nights turned to early mornings leaving and him never texting, never calling. It ****** with my mind I was left confused as he flirted with other girls on Myspace, then Facebook. He told me liked me- I told him I felt the same. He got drunk- ****** someone else behind my back. Found out from his friends. Burnt the **** of his he left at my house. Always inconsistent.
I had never been anyone's they always leave when the title becomes me or they always end up leaving me for another. I'd like to think that's where my insecurity lies. Never really been the kind of girl guys like to date- afraid of commitment even after spending a year with someone He ****** me- over, up and good. He broke my heart too- didn't even leave me for someone else he left me to become someone else so I stood waiting to become something someone enjoyed. It happened. Found inconsistency again- he also liked the same music as me I'm starting to think that's not such a good thing. But he showed me I needed to stop thinking so much- stop looking too into things and just be myself. Anxiety wasn't a factor for me with him only jealousy. I didn't have to work so hard. All that really mattered to me was me- but the inconsistency was too much. My inconsistency was too much. Now I am never enough. I'd like to blame my insecurities on all of that. Shout at my father in the face and tell him he ruined me found love only once and it tore me apart. I'm trying to mend that again- find it, harness it and be okay with it like I was once. I'm scared to death I'll never find it again scared to death of everyone else but myself. I'm afraid of my own shadow again because it reminds me of what I have lost.