i shower
this is not an unusual occurrence
i like to wash off the ***** feeling
that having nightmares
constantly
night after night brings upon
my body and soul

today i
shower not to cleanse myself
of a person
but to force the feeling of texas dirt
deep into my marred skin
i harshly push the sound
of lightning storms into my eardrums

i let
the stinging nettles
really my own fault for not
wearing boots out in the texas woods
wrap themselves around my sweaty ankles
dragging me deep into the ground
closer to him

though are
you still above ground
my dear uncle
you would think that after all
the funerals i have been to
i would know how
these things work huh

i don’t
want to imagine you cold and alone
in a lifeless and
sterile morgue
so instead i will imagine you at the lake
when you and lana built a treasure chest out of sand

i wonder
if you locked away her heart that day
so that when you had to leave
she would only feel a floating brokenness
like the distant ache of a broken bone
always there
but just in the background

i know
that that is not what my father feels
i remember talking on the phone to you
and answering the phone with hi pops
but then your laugh gave you away
your laughs are different
but they both come from deep in your bellies

if i
could take away my fathers pain
i would and i would
transfer it on to myself
so he could only feel that broken bone ache
because my dear father he went from a whole
to half of a soul