wonder if he knows that I cry over him. Does he realize that my skin is craving his skin? Nothing tastes better or feels worse than sin. I couldn't let go, I kept diving in. I continue to have an emotional affair to a man, that in my eyes, nothing compares. All of this bad timing is truly unfair; I sit here and wonder how I can repair this crippling situation that swallows me whole, like a succubus taunting and mocking my soul taking everything out of me, losing control. Love is confusing and takes quite a toll.
A past to revisit, though unjustly forbidden. I can't fight the thoughts, you can tell that I'm smitten. The ruse is sure to be up at some point so sit back, watch me crash, might as well roll a joint. They tell me to let go, they me to stop, I act as though I don't like what I've already got... I am often detached from thinking a lot, but allow me to elaborate and thicken the plot. While I'm being touched I am thinking of him, would it ever happen? The chances are slim. Too many people who's hearts are involved could be put at risk and that I can't solve... I invested my feelings in somebody else because I couldn't wait and I lack mental health. Now I'm alone although in a relationship; I didn't choose roads, I just sunk in the pavement. Wishing I could get back into his heart, I sit and break my own letting my home fall apart. I feel guilty and disgusted and jaded and fooled into something that others said would be "cool". A little love affair, some drama, some fragment... But the feelings I have now, they leave me quite stagnant. I have to avoid him at any and all costs, but that never happens. I am at a loss. I'm fighting for him, against all of the odds.. My brain and heart pushing and trying to back off. I toss and turn at night and often I scoff. As I sleep the thought swirls around see, I can't help myself, his presence  is astounding. I try to let go, but I want him around me. I want him to sit around and play with my hair, and to run around singing in my underwear listening to music tastes that we both share, smoking and relaxing, traveling everywhere. I could sit here and write down all of my dreams about this magic man that satisfies me, but that wouldn't effect a bit of this predicament... I'm thinking in circles and I am so sick of it. I don't want to hurt anyone but myself so I'll write these thoughts down to put them up on a shelf where no one will read them and no one can see the darkest and evil, aching parts of me. I can wonder all of the time and wish as I may but at the end of the day, my misery will stay.