i suddenly long to forget nights.

chasing white pills down the tangle of my throat,
i am disturbed to remember frantic dreams in the waking moments.

i begin to fear that the air is making me sick
in this closed off room where i sleep and dream
where my neck aches and my stomach burns
where he laid the night he touched the string that would undo everything
that kept me standing.

i want the peace that i felt in the white slab of the rubber gloved doctor's room
beeping gently
looking to see what burned
inside of me

they didn't find it