the innocence of a child is something to behold
their smiles, honest and radiant
their laughter, bubbling

I didn't quite catch the moment I wasn't a child anymore
but since July 17th, I've known that it already happened
if I were still a child, I wouldn't be
facing my own father,
more ashamed than I,
at 2 a.m
in the rotten chains
of a tight pair of handcuffs

perhaps it was the moment that I was first thankful to awaken,
that the demons in my sleep
weren't, in fact, real
or my life would be horribly changed,
thank god it was just a dream
perhaps that's when the innocence was gone,
when I knew I was guilty
for having such a realistic nightmare

so when I couldn't wake up
on July 17th,
it was clear I'd missed the moment
that my childlike innocence had been caught, willingly strangled
by desire
to be something
of a monster

July 17th:
the nightmare and the reality
became one.