I feel like an idiot
I always feel like an idiot

I try to love
Just to see others love deeper

I try to understand
Just to see others understand more

I try to create
Only to find Im not creative

The only thing I got going for me
Is nothing at all.

I fail at everything I do
I always make people run away

I dont belong in this world
and I never have.

I need to focus and really bear down on the things I love
I exert too much energy and concentration in too many places

I dont know where Im going or who I want to be
and I realize neither does anyone else

I think that Im slightly insane and that I have a preoccupation with ***.

I think I should stop loving but I really cant help it.

I love love.

I hate love.

I always end up making my loved ones feel bad in some way.
I always end up ******* up and I just want the ones around me to be happy.

I always do the same stupid **** and never get anything done.

I am a boy becoming a man but I think I would rather still be a child.
I probably have done too many drugs.

I hide a lot beneath the facades of my own personality.
I try to read a lot but I never finish a book.

I try to paint but I never finish a painting.

I try to have a life but I never actually live.

I try to be something that cant be in this world.
I try to have a complete and total understanding of everything around. I want to know everything that there is to know. But I know its impossible.

The only things I know are impossibilities. Like happiness through freedom, because their is always something chaining me down. Like love, because there is always too many emotions with other people and the love gets clouded. Eventually pushed out.  

I am more of an empty hollow shell than people know. I feel my emptiness with garbage and turn it into a realization about the world. Sometimes I clean out my hollow shell, and fill it with beautiful things that I've forgotten about. Only to see those beautiful fragments of memory become sinister with time. Only to see past the veil of happiness I thought I carried with me in early life to see that I was really just lying.

I am a great actor from an emotional distance.

But I am a terrible actor once you know me.

I know I will do "great" things in this life.

If I dont **** myself first.

Sometimes I wish I had a child so I had a sole purpose for my soul. But I would probably hate them for taking my self-expression away.

I am calm, cool and collected but inside I am thriving with thoughts that I dive into. Some thoughts in the deep parts of my psyche. I hollow the thoughts out, and try to sort the bad from the good only to spill them in an unprecedented manner. So, I scoop up the parts and throw them away like the inside of a pumpkin right before halloween. My spirit is like one of the ghosts youll see that night. Just a sheet with some holes in it. Just a man pretending to be something that doesnt belong in this world.

I have problems with attachment and trying to love.

I tripped yesterday and had one thought that kinda ****** with me.
It wasnt you ******* with me. It was me ******* with me.

Its always inside my own head, but the people around me think that its them.

Thats the thing that really hurts me... me... I hurt me. And the people around me always think that its them.

They think that its them... Its not. Dont run away.

Fuckk... I have problems with attachment. Ill run away if you dont because the things I want in life are an impossibility. They are just grim fantasy realities that media has ingrained into my life. I am a product of a broken society but we are so many in number.. that not enough people will hear my last breath to take our own demise seriously. I yearn to stick a needle in my arm or to pop a pill that will allow me to be me.

"You are already who you are, embrace it"

**** that. I am not the impossibilities I dream about.

.... I know I can get to that point in another way but the path is difficult and in terrible condition. I have a lot of work to do before I can embrace it. If I embrace it now, Ill be back to the logical, cold-hearted, un-caring person I was before. Before the power of love mystified my universe and made me see so much beauty. Im stuck in between this world and the next and I dont know what to make of it. I dont really belong anywhere with anything.

Someday I hope to expand on this feelings. With a story behind it. With my life of impossible realities expressed to people who understand it, because so many of these impossible realities of myself are shared with others who want to embrace the same impossibility.