"Gamer."
"Nerd."
"Shut-in."
"Loner."
"Loser."

Synonyms to some people,
jokes for others,
but painful for most.

The kind of pain that sticks with you
not like a scalding or a stab-wound,
but like a little shadow
some small, slimy version of yourself
that blocks the way
whenever you turn to the mirror.

I’ve been followed around
by that monstrous little thing
wearing my face
who manages to whisper away
the few hours I would find in a day to be free
“You’re lazy.”
“Fat.”
“Useless.”
“Ridiculous.”
“Childish.”

I would be lying if I said I never believed what he told me.

But I realized something
about the word “Gamer,”
and “Nerd.”
“Shut-in.”
“Loner.”
even “Loser.”

I like them.

Because when someone else uses them
to turn me into a joke
they don’t understand why those insults
are really compliments.

When I reach for my controller
and turn on my TV,
it’s no different then opening a great book,
starting up that perfect song,
or staring at any marvelous canvas of acrylics or oils.

For a few hours
every few days,
I get to escape.
To fly away.
I’m no longer any version of myself
that I don’t want to be.

This world is mine.
I have no shadow here.

Video games don’t melt your brain,
they save it
if you need them too.

I’ve ticked away more late nights
and countless lazy Sundays
on dungeons and puzzles,
boss fights and battlegrounds
than I care to think.
But I needed to.

I got to be a hunter
an assassin
a superhero
and roam the open plains of alien worlds
when I was glued to my bed
for six weeks after surgery.

I got to laugh and shout
and curse and stop caring
after endless high school days
when I came home without a smile
feeling like nothing at all

I got to slay dragons,
wage wars,
and explore galaxies
on the worst days of my life.

I got to learn
that when you fail and fall
sometimes all you need to do
is “Press X to Respawn,”
and start over again.

I got to be a super soldier:
I was strong, charming, and indestructible
on the day my father died.

I have lived a million lives
with nothing more than a big TV
and a handheld piece of plastic.

And if the price of all those lives
all those adventures,
those galaxies,
those heroes,
and those conquests on those horrible days when I was starved of a smile
is to be a “Nerd,”
or a “Shut-in,
a “Loner,”
or a “Loser,”

that seems like one hell of a deal.