the critics tell me to be more poetic.

i admit that it is hard to smell the roses and stare up at blue skies
while cradling the hollow, echoing black hole that boy left me with;
it is hard to walk through meadows and think convoluted thoughts.
it is really just hard
to enjoy anything
these days.

instead of telling you what happened to me
i guess i could make it a metaphor
use nature
and frightening, twisting black words
to paint a landscape.
so you truly blessed, poetic ones
would respect me and what happened.

this is for you shakespeares
who need metaphor
to truly understand horror.

my life is a perfect confusion of pure, childlike, listless happiness
big smiling cheeks and full hearts that break because they are too happy
and a howling, screaming, heaving, ugly beast that hides in my shadow
that no one can know
towering over my small frame
wrapping his spindly arms around my torso
ripping into my stomach
voice dripping in my ear
that's a good girl
drooling on my shoulder
the monster trevor constructed for me
out of all his horror films
and naked women
and rough, rough fingers.

i hug everyone too tightly
my ghost body trembling to cling to something
someone
but too thin
not real enough to stay near anything too long.
it drifts away and stops replying to messages
lies in the corner of the green room that once frightened it
and waits for more wrong to be committed.
begs for every word
every wound
every scrap
waif-dog, waif-girl, gouge that cannot dissipate.

how much must i say
to get this terror out of me
to make this heaving monster leave my chest
how many poems must i write about a ****** that i loved
how many times must i doubt
how many times must i apologize
how many times must i cry
till it all comes out
till he leaves me alone at night
till i am able to not be frightened anymore?

how much must i say
and in what manner
for you to understand me
respect me
love me?

this beast cracks his way into my bones
and i will not be a daisy-chain rough-footed child much longer
i need you to find me
i need you to help me
i need you
to hide
me
in a secret place.