bone chews flesh,
crunching on raw edges,
rough and repetitious.
incessantly running over scars,
making sure of their existence, continuing to reopen
wounds made eternal by habitual compulsion.
oral fixation
gnawing on words chained in a churning stomach
bile sloshing up at the roof of a throat
left rug burned
from pleading with a preoccupied lover.
jaw locked on malicious intent,
reckless and rampant with silenced regret.
feeding a delirious desire
with insidious acts
sworn not to commit nor dissent.
lost,
spinning on the same man in a different mask
lost,
swimming in regurgitated phantoms
lost,
sick and solemn on the edge of a moonrise
peering into the belly of a beast that resurrects each morning
brandishing a new name,
and an old sword
forged from karmic residue and ancient power
wielding shadows over the watch tower
smothering sparks leaping from fire
spelling minds to forget their mistakes and souls to retrace
disaster.

i have been here before.
i have been here before,
i have danced to this tune in this dress,
i have held your face in this light,
i have seen the sun rise from this bed,
i have watched you slither from my side i know what comes next i've been here before.

i have been here before
i have etched this pattern into these palms,
i have chosen this chaos from this cup,
i have mistaken your touch for love,
i have backspun into a woven embrace i know what comes next i've been here before.

i have been here before
i have yet to rip up maps to the temple,
i have yet to cleave the imprint from my mind,
i have yet to drown the longing in my chest,
i have yet,
to muzzle the insidious glimmer of hope that this -
this time will be different.

i have been here before.
i have wanted those who dream of others.
i have sacrificed my blood to a dead god.
i have laid my innards in blinding spotlight i have worn pathetic eyes into bleary nights i have stood in the lightning hellbent i have sent love letters to a nonexistent address i have sung for the mute and deaf i have given myself to those barren of intent i know what comes next,
i've been here before.

i still hold ten thousand colors of feeling
and i still wave my flag half-mast.
i still look into the distance when i hear footsteps creaking
and i still wish they were yours coming to find mine,
i still convince myself of fantastical lies.

i have been here before.
i am no tourist.
i am no native.
i am a woman with no face
and no name
who hides in the crest of the shore
waiting for the tide to sweep her away.
i am a moth trying to touch the moon set ablaze by candlelight
spill my ashes over your bed,
and lay with me
here,
one last time tonight.