he told me he loved me by accident, or so it seemed.
we were laughing together like any normal night
and we were facetiming to talk about his car and
how much we missed each other.
and as we were laughing, i realized he stopped.
i found him staring at me and him slowly forming the phrase,
"I love you, Rachel."
he didn't come out of his daze for awhile,
and he seemed quite surprised that he had said it.
he sort of nodded and smiled, as if he was assuring himself that
he meant what he said when he told me that he loved me.
i just remember looking at him,
looking at my glass screen wishing i could touch him on the cheek
or even hold his hand, just so he could know that
i feel the same too.

i'm sorry that words don't seem to be enough to show my love for you.
i just know that I've been told that phrase enough without actually feeling the love that is supposed to be radiated between two people when they say it.
i just know that i never want it happen again, and with you it hopefully never will.

so, when you said you loved me, you said you meant it.
you said that our silly banter and my laugh and the way i breathe while i read made you fall for me.
you said you didn't mean to, it just sort of....happened.
but more importantly, you said something that i had never told you that i feared.
"I won't leave you. I can tell that you're scared, because they all leave you. Rachel...I don't want to be like them, I'm different. I love you, and I need you to know that you're loved. I swear I won't leave you, I swear it."
my heart wants to believe him, and my body craves to tell him that I love him too...
but my mind? well,
it's having a hard time letting me believe that
someone can love someone as
heartless as me.