I wonder when the hurt will stop-
when the thoughts of self-inflicted pain will lift
and I realize I cling to the things that cause me pain.
It's as if self-sabotage is my second nature
and my 6th sense is anxiousness.
This is all consuming.
The thoughts in my head will never fade-
the depression living in my bones
has made a home out of my skeleton again
and my heartbeat seems to be demanding refuge.
I wonder when my heart will get tired
of trying so hard to beat through this frail chest-
I am constantly trying my best.
Attempting to turn this anxiety into art
and this hopelessness into a canvas
but my mind is blank now.
The watercolor insecurity
has mixed with my acrylic insanity
and you should never mix two types of paint
but I was never one to follow rules
so this masterpiece turns into a mess
and eventually everyone is looking at my pain-
like **** this is so pretty
how she turns her sorrow into a sonnet
of metaphors and smilies
**** I wish I had her energy
her zest for turning nothing into something
and all the bad things into good ones.
But it's never that simple-
I must bare it all
become naked with my emotions
in front of a crowded room
and that is all I seem to ever do-
release my emotions for people
who don't know my story
they only know the way I have written it
the first person viewpoint of this tragedy.
I am a broken shell casing of who I was again-
It's been a while since I've seen this place
this cage, and felt this rage inside my bones
that sends me spiraling downward.
This place feels so ******* familiar-
almost comforting...
So I cling to this sense of solitude
and familiarity
as nostalgia creeps it's way into my neckline
and makes it way to my brain stem
I am sinking into oblivion again-
Alone is how it's always been for me
and as soon as lonely left
it headed to the ******* gym
lifted weights, did some squats
and came back stronger than ever-
I am now weak so lonely can take it's toll on me
it's trained for this all year
it's won a race I didn't really prepare for
and I am left in the dust again.
My eyes are tired from fighting through the waves
and my stomach doesn't take much to fill anymore.
I am aware this strength will not re-return over night
but I'm wondering if it will ever come back...
I am fighting for strength-
but all these thoughts inside my mind
make me weak at the knees again
and these bones can't only take so much breaking.
My heart hurts-
I am trying to numb the pain
and deal with the things I can
but some things just take time.
Time heals all wounds-
but wounds tend to leave scars
to remind you of the skin you lost in the process.
You will never forget what makes you bleed.