i suppose that sometimes,
it isn't the situation itself
that reflects the distinct colors,
into my usually cloudy mind,
constantly fantasizing over strings of words
and searching to find meaning
in utterly meaningless things,
but it is more,
the way that the situation makes me feel.

yellow for when i feel open
and like i can breathe.
nobody is mad, and i have no reason to drop my head.
when my family doesn't fight,
and struggles are forgotten.
there is always lots of food,
and something of interest in the kitchen.
when the carpets are clean,
and so are the counter tops.
when i actually feel genuinely happy.

light blue for the days
when i think i might be sick,
if i hear another irrelevant comment,
or a joke that wasn't even funny six months ago.
when the days are dark,
and i feel the cold on my skin and heart.
when my music is quiet,
along with my words
and i don't sing along.
when i feel like i am falling

red for when all is white,
and i can picture blood,
death in close future,
and wet tears.
when i feel sick,
ashamed,
and the air is too hot.
when i am distant,
and even the smell of cookies in the distance,
can't cure my aching soul.
when all around me are happy,
and i am simply not.

orange for when everything is the same,
when dad picks the wrong bread,
or there is nothing in the snack basket.
when everything smells like teenager,
and the chipped paint makes me want to scream.
when my room is the same for too long,
and i can't find clothes to wear.
when i simply can't find something to look forward to.

blue for when things match up
and there isn't too much of one color.
when i laugh out loud,
and blare music until i can't hear.
when small grins come from there hiding space,
on his lips.
when i get unexpected hugs,
and old friends smile my way.
when i don't feel trapped in myself.

purple for when i can't quite understand it,
when the chipped paint doesn't bother me,
but the way he tilts his head does.
when i pray he doesn't call on me,
for i would make a fool out of myself.
when i get so mad that i start to cry,
or when the smell of rain angers me.
when i am too confused to think clearly.

and white for when i am just done.
when all my colors and emotions mix
into a large white cloud, that floats in my head
until the bright yellow sun comes,
or a raindrops reflect light blue
or the day finishes red highlighting the sky
or the orange sun becomes too hot
or a clear blue day emerges,
or when my brother's blue crayon gets lost under the car seat,
so purple will have to suffice.