The problem lies with me
     because it's either I don't know when to stop
     or i choose to let go at the exact moment
                        you hope I'd stay

I hope I learn that I am not as invincible
as I think and that I am not the only one
hurting, God, i keep wondering why the
pain never stops, but did i ever even pause
and look away at my blood-filled hands,
stop feeling disgusted by the mere sight of
        hot, red trails dripping against my skin
        when not even 2 meters beside me is
               the knife that i used to stab, stab,
               stab you in the back?

dear god i am a, i am a
   -- i tried to stop feeling so sorry
      for myself but im drowning and trembling
      still and everything's a ******* mess but
      yet, but yet, yet, i gasped
           you're still there
           with your hand wide open, patient,
           kind, still waiting for me to accept it

           but i pushed you away, called you names,
           making me want to claw my skin with
           the fingers that burned against yours and
           forced me to bruise my lips that called
           you lies
  
  i'm so sorry i am a mess
  when you thought i was the best