I feel like dying
infinity
I feel like turning off the lights
and never turning them back on
I want to sink into the black
Into the nothing
I want to crawl around the stars and lay in the sky
I want to die like a super nova
shatter with every colour god has ever created
Paint it across all of the midnight I am living in
I am dying from walking in her midnight sky
Three am is only so fun for the first week
but day after day of 4 am constellation girl was killing me when I had to wake up in the morning
I was being consumed with shadows
That is all that is left of us
I am a shadow with too much blood
Too much human to pretend i am nothing
Her chest became the new house for my heart
but see
a house and a home are not the same thing
My I love yous were there
walking the hallways
but they were unwelcomed
they just ricocheted off of the walls like stray bullets
Like strangers in a home that they didn't belong in
I am sorry
I am sorry that I am a stranger
That I can only seem to write poems for you
I dont know what happened to my voice
Maybe I thought my words were softer when they weren't spoken
I was just trying to make the depression seem pretty
make the ribs that were bursting through my heart look less like knives pointed at you
baby
I promise they were put there by someone else
but I can't seem to be able to pull them out without dying again and again
I am trying so hard to make my pain look beautiful
even though it is not
It is ugly and covered in blood
It is a graveyard of smiles
It is drowning me
but instead I write about watercolour roses or some shit
because darling
I know you are afraid of the ocean
I am too
but maybe
just maybe If I can paint my heart ache a different colour you won't be scared of me
of this broken home of a body
I have white washed all of the walls for you
erased all of the burn marks and flood lines
I have rebuilt who i am hoping you could remind me who i was
But I forgot
I forgot you always said you wanted to travel
Im sorry I forgot you are temporary
I am just an empty repair shop with a permanent foundation
all I do is echo
echo the memory of fixing things
I just couldn't fix myself