How do I start...?
This is hard for me...
I probably will only generalize from fear of being ostracized,....
Actually that's a ****** lie too...
not even sure wut I want to say,
Sometimes wut I really wanna say gets polluted by being convoluted cuz it's secondary and secluded
by trying to sound poetic, or smart
then the rest just gets... Included....
I'm not even sure of myself...
My ability....
My limits...
I might even say i find security in insecurity,
Jailed without bail by my emotions and I can't find assurity
Assuring me
a stay on the green mile where I sit, green with envy...
Envious of even ppl I love...
Almost hoping they fail so I'm not alone.....
how truly sick is that?
How could u ever call urself a decent person after thinking that????
And after i drown and drench this depression in drinks
Then dry it off with drugs...
It only gets moist again by the inevitable stream of tears
And u can only let urself down so many ****** times before u can't lie to urself anymore to feel like
..u haven't let everyone else down
And my friends and family can only say ..."I love u"so many times b4 they realize that I don't believe it....
Cuz how can they love me when I don't???
And I'm way past a cry for help
So it's not sympathy,
I don't need it
I have been blessed until now with the most beautiful things life has...
And maybe losing those things has fukked me up....
how do I start....
Ha...
how do I finish....
When I haven't even said anything worth reading....
I use to think I was a writer...
Now I question if I can even do that anymore...
I feel hopelessly dead inside,
and I love my son,
but I can't help feeling trapped, in a sea of failure,
I can't help hating my weak will,
My bad habits,
My lack of motivation
My physical appearance,
My physical appearance
My laziness
And who I've become, when who I was.....
Was so much better.....
My night terrors haunt me...
I miss ppl I shouldn't
I'm jealous of ppl I shouldn't be...
I idolize my godmother for her strength to commit suicide:...
I am everything I use to hate in
others....
I could go on forever
but I'm sick of hearing myself think in silence
Even the voices in my head annoys the **** out of me, and make me sick til I tell myself to shut up....
How do I end this...
....  From judgement of a talented literary point of view...
I can't end it....
Cause...
I never really started....

Cuz when it is your monkey,
And it is your circus...
It's depressskng feeling worthless
When even a clowns have a purpose

.....which is more than me