So I looked back and I saw, I saw what I’d never seen before.

Looking back on what was I often have a different view
Of what went on between me and you.
Raising question of which aren’t necessarily true.
You know,
I look inside with these jealous eyes
And start to pry at why I tell those lies.
To manipulate those around me
Use personal misguidance
To gain ahead to get to you in my bed,
And then, you’re in my head.
And you won’t leave.
I could try to forget you but that’s just you Inside me,
like I was in you. Like neither of us even knew what to do
Genital to genital a spectacle most awkward.
But after time we moved forward
And it got better.
I’m telling you this that from the moment that I met her,
It hit me like a fist to the jaw and the back of my head on the cold hard floor.
And all I could do was cry out for more,
The shock of that blow
Was only to show that there was something in there.
Like that time
Lying naked and bare I presented myself to you,
No words needed to be said, even if I tried they’d be suppressed by your bed.
Each blanket and pillow would swallow me whole
Hindering me from my final goal so I’d shut it. Close it and bury the lot
Be content with what I’ve got.
I never said how I felt cause you’re scary,
That’s right, you frighten me.
You still do so I was always useless to you.
I was an object.
A mere physicality a means to an end
Yet something you still had to hide from a friend.
Were you ashamed of us?
I know I’m not ideal with the abs that aren’t made of steel,
All my imperfections aren’t there to make you feel like a ******* Goddess
Still you don’t have to impress because I’m here.
But why am I here?
And I thought you were making it clear that time when you didn’t seem to care if your parents could hear.
Harder, faster, pull my hair
And I’d be praying to god that your dad weren’t at the bottom of that stair.
But when It was done that awkward silence was never fun,
It was never a breathless moment
Or a somber embrace, I could tell that much from the look on your face,
Like I had to leave,
So wiping the sweat from my brown with my sleeve
I’d get dressed, always knowing that you were less than impressed
With the moment that we were trying to conceive.
So what was that blow trying to show?
You know, that one from before with the metaphor about my head on the floor.
I might digress but Its only guess that there’s more to it than the ***,
See I met you when my brain was nothing more than brain stew
And so my heart latched on to you,
I did the best I could do.
Well that’s not entirely true but we do what we do.
I spent a lot of my life convincing myself  I’m a **** up
So maybe when the time came all I could do was get my **** up,
But that wasn’t enough, I mean it filled you but it didn’t fulfill me,
You see the point of that blow was to show
Not to you but to my ego
That if you label yourself as a five
You going to lose the drive to
Become the ten,
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
I’m not beautiful, I’m suitable
Practical adaptable
And **** right Compatible
And It does matter still
And I mean it to, I’m saying it to you and you and you.
No one is better than the person you are
Beautiful is a word and to compare yourself to it is only absurd.
Embrace the face that your parents created
Because your image will never be out dated
It’s yours. I am who I am and you are who your are
This body may scar, and my tears may fall
But none of that even matters at all
Because I’ll find someone who will make me ten feet tall.
That man couldn’t be any nearer
One day he’ll be staring back in the mirror
With a smile so wide and a heart full of pride
That those eyes staring back are no longer tainted and black
But clear and blue and it will feel fresh and new.
But until that day I’ll continue with meaningless ***,
Alcohol and cigarettes,
sleepless nights and random fights
And all the other ******* that goes with it.
**** it.