May 2015
While at church
they asked us a very simple question,
"What label(s) have you given yourself?"
I thought for a second and I shuddered at the thought.
So many different horrible labels laid themselves on my heart
and a few of them stuck out:
Burden,
Unlovable,
Disappointment,
Selfish,
Undeserving.
Many more came to mind, but these just kept coming back.
I am a burden, because I constantly feel like I annoy everyone and that I am just getting in the way. I'm just worthless, there is no point in burdening people with my existence.
I am unlovable, because how could anyone love me with the things I've done? How could anyone ever love me? Even she couldn't ever love me fully after what I did.
I am a dissapointment, because I am not who my family thinks I am. I know the second I come out, they will shun me. There is no doubt about that. And I've just been slacking with everything. While I may be the "most intelligent" on my family, I am most definitely not the most stable. My highs and lows are starting to get the best of me, and I am so afraid to cry for help. I'll never be as good as them, so I am not only a disappointment to my family, but to myself as well.
I am selfish. Holy hell, I am so selfish. You always told me that I was unselfish, but on the day you found out, it was all I heard. You yelled at me quietly as you sobbed, and I looked at you with tears coming down my face as you asked how I could be so selfish and how I could hurt you like that. I'm sorry. Im sorry. I'm so sorry. I'll never get that image of you out of my mind, it's on a constant replay.
And I am undeserving, because how could I ever deserve something so beautiful ever again? I don't deserve anything but the worst life could give me. Those few weeks after, anytime I cried I had people come and hold me and say, "how could you ever deserve this kind of pain? You don't, you're the sweetest and kindest person I know." But that's the thing, i did deserve it. After what I did to you, I deserved all of the pain in the world. I still do, don't I?
they asked us a very simple question,
"What label(s) have you given yourself?"
I thought for a second and I shuddered at the thought.
So many different horrible labels laid themselves on my heart
and a few of them stuck out:
Burden,
Unlovable,
Disappointment,
Selfish,
Undeserving.
Many more came to mind, but these just kept coming back.
I am a burden, because I constantly feel like I annoy everyone and that I am just getting in the way. I'm just worthless, there is no point in burdening people with my existence.
I am unlovable, because how could anyone love me with the things I've done? How could anyone ever love me? Even she couldn't ever love me fully after what I did.
I am a dissapointment, because I am not who my family thinks I am. I know the second I come out, they will shun me. There is no doubt about that. And I've just been slacking with everything. While I may be the "most intelligent" on my family, I am most definitely not the most stable. My highs and lows are starting to get the best of me, and I am so afraid to cry for help. I'll never be as good as them, so I am not only a disappointment to my family, but to myself as well.
I am selfish. Holy hell, I am so selfish. You always told me that I was unselfish, but on the day you found out, it was all I heard. You yelled at me quietly as you sobbed, and I looked at you with tears coming down my face as you asked how I could be so selfish and how I could hurt you like that. I'm sorry. Im sorry. I'm so sorry. I'll never get that image of you out of my mind, it's on a constant replay.
And I am undeserving, because how could I ever deserve something so beautiful ever again? I don't deserve anything but the worst life could give me. Those few weeks after, anytime I cried I had people come and hold me and say, "how could you ever deserve this kind of pain? You don't, you're the sweetest and kindest person I know." But that's the thing, i did deserve it. After what I did to you, I deserved all of the pain in the world. I still do, don't I?
