May 2015
-10:36 p.m.-
Dad! Wake up!
What? Why?
I heard a noise. It was a buzzing sound. I think the aliens are here.
Calm down. That’s the air conditioning.
You should go check anyway.
(Gets up to find the source of the noise. Big surprise… It really was the air conditioning.)
It was just the air conditioning.
Did you open the door and check?
Yes.
Did you lock the door when you closed it?
Why would that protect us from aliens?
Did. You. Lock. The. Door?
I did.
Are you sure?
I’m sure.
You should go check again anyway.
(Gets up to make sure he locked the door. Big surprise… It really was locked.)
It’s locked, now go to bed.
-11:09 p.m.-
Dad!
What?
I think I just felt an earthquake! We need to leave before the aftershock!
We live next to a train station. At some point, you’ll have to get used to that shaking.
Fine, but you should put our emergency pack right next to your bed. Just in case.
Fine. Now go to bed.
-12:01-
Dad!
What is it this time?
I heard gunshots. I think we’re being invaded by another country.
It’s New Year’s Eve… They’re just fireworks.
Can you turn on the news and check?
Fine.
(Turns on the television. It’s already on the news channel. Big surprise… It really was fireworks for New Year’s Eve.)
It was just fireworks, now please go to bed.
-2:19-
Dad!
What?! Just let me sleep!
A murderer just made the floor creek in our house! Let’s commit suicide to avoid the suffering!
If there is truly a murderer in our house, I’ll let him **** me. Death is better than life with you.
But… I’m your son…
You’re not my son. You’re the voice that keeps me from wanting a son, for fear that you’ll end up bothering him for his entire life. You keep me from doing things that other people do for fun. You fill my head with thoughts about the possibility that my plane could crash if I travel anywhere. You keep me from pursuing a career in any scientific field because you think it will make me a target for violent protesters. You keep me from going to the doctor because you’re afraid that I might get bad news, which doesn't even make sense. You make me feel as though I will never be successful in anything I do. You nearly push me to suicide every day.
But… I guess I still like having you in my life. I draw inspiration from you. You influence my thoughts and decisions in such a way that I get some pretty great stories from it. You're like that friend that's always a little too blunt, but can be kind of nice sometimes. Like, he'll point out that your shirt looks stupid, but he also won't ask any questions when you ask him to move a couch. Do you know what I mean? Anyway...
So, no. I change my mind. I want you in my life.
I love you Dad.
I wouldn't go that far. I’m somewhat fond of you.
Dad! Wake up!
What? Why?
I heard a noise. It was a buzzing sound. I think the aliens are here.
Calm down. That’s the air conditioning.
You should go check anyway.
(Gets up to find the source of the noise. Big surprise… It really was the air conditioning.)
It was just the air conditioning.
Did you open the door and check?
Yes.
Did you lock the door when you closed it?
Why would that protect us from aliens?
Did. You. Lock. The. Door?
I did.
Are you sure?
I’m sure.
You should go check again anyway.
(Gets up to make sure he locked the door. Big surprise… It really was locked.)
It’s locked, now go to bed.
-11:09 p.m.-
Dad!
What?
I think I just felt an earthquake! We need to leave before the aftershock!
We live next to a train station. At some point, you’ll have to get used to that shaking.
Fine, but you should put our emergency pack right next to your bed. Just in case.
Fine. Now go to bed.
-12:01-
Dad!
What is it this time?
I heard gunshots. I think we’re being invaded by another country.
It’s New Year’s Eve… They’re just fireworks.
Can you turn on the news and check?
Fine.
(Turns on the television. It’s already on the news channel. Big surprise… It really was fireworks for New Year’s Eve.)
It was just fireworks, now please go to bed.
-2:19-
Dad!
What?! Just let me sleep!
A murderer just made the floor creek in our house! Let’s commit suicide to avoid the suffering!
If there is truly a murderer in our house, I’ll let him **** me. Death is better than life with you.
But… I’m your son…
You’re not my son. You’re the voice that keeps me from wanting a son, for fear that you’ll end up bothering him for his entire life. You keep me from doing things that other people do for fun. You fill my head with thoughts about the possibility that my plane could crash if I travel anywhere. You keep me from pursuing a career in any scientific field because you think it will make me a target for violent protesters. You keep me from going to the doctor because you’re afraid that I might get bad news, which doesn't even make sense. You make me feel as though I will never be successful in anything I do. You nearly push me to suicide every day.
But… I guess I still like having you in my life. I draw inspiration from you. You influence my thoughts and decisions in such a way that I get some pretty great stories from it. You're like that friend that's always a little too blunt, but can be kind of nice sometimes. Like, he'll point out that your shirt looks stupid, but he also won't ask any questions when you ask him to move a couch. Do you know what I mean? Anyway...
So, no. I change my mind. I want you in my life.
I love you Dad.
I wouldn't go that far. I’m somewhat fond of you.
