May 2015
There was always something about the way she spoke that made you want to listen,
Like a crying fox stuck in a trap pleading for mercy from the humans that lacked humanity,
Scorned by God like figures allowing agony to be known in the eyes of this small innocent creature.
Why did I always feel I needed to pay penance for wrongs I didn't commit?
I don't resent her really, no I couldn't, not ever, for I would drive myself mad trying to pull sensicals out of moments that are truly abstract in nature.
Flex my understanding of what some may never come to know,
Gouge at my eyes and call ME the bad one!
See I've been dealt an awful lot of tragedy which all leads back to you,
It's a matter of fault, and there is no escaping, the one who runs from blame!
The fingers were never pointing back at me I must now confess,
I truly crippled you and for that I am so sorry...
I allowed your own faults to be casted in my direction,
To shield you from the painful sting of ever sinking blame,
I honestly protected you when I shouldn't have...
I felt like you were the moon trying to live forever in this solar eclipse,
Over accentuating that one moment of true rarity where you blocked me out!
Horrific really, allowing your son to set.
But I was always drowning, so am I now the melodramatic one?
There was always something about the way she spoke that made you want to listen...
I'm used to it honestly, how couldn't I be? But it's kinda ****** up for me to allow myself to find familiarity in her screaming,
Like a baby who can't fall asleep without the sound of it's mother singing,
I yearn for the nails etched across the chalk board, I find solace in her ever rising voice...
I wanted to hear her sing but in moments of hopelessness, I wanted her to sleep...
Something peaceful really, observing a deadly creature, so fragile and defenseless,
Lulled into a moment of peace, such a ferocious beast!
It almost seems out of character really...
Pleading the role of the fox brought nightmare, my ankle hurts but only out of respect for the situation as these metal clamps dig into my very soul!
The moment is killing me so I seek refuge in a plethora of memories I've obtained!
...
It was lonely, that's all I can say growing up in the mansion that is her ego,
I felt myself shrinking as she grew even larger,
I almost offed myself when word came about her plans to expand this already monstrous poor excuse for a home...
But as I grew old enough to understand the situation at hand, I felt an alienation becoming of me, I reject her empty gestures of love, they were all bought!
In a ****** up way I became who she needed, the one who affirms, an advocate of sorts,
Holding the hands of the perpetually filthy,
But I just couldn't be who she needed me to be for her,
I felt pathetic almost as if I failed my normality, I had to start thinking for myself...
When the mansion shrunk I was shocked really,
Honestly it was a dreadful burden to navigate around as some of the rooms were disappearing.
She was growing numb in reality and it took allot for me to still hate her,
But that's the point of this really, I resented myself all this time for loving her...
I wanted the one who runs from blame to take on all I've been shouldering,
I wanted in a place separate from reality for her to come to her senses and to apologize for all she's done to hurt me!
But there are some things that will never happen and I guess that was my point of writing this,
To give those permission to love the unlovable, to reach out in the situations that don't care to be understood.
...
Well I found myself running from the moon as it breached the horizon,
She was a bullet in my horizon, she stopped the son from rising not caring for the consequences of her actions!
How careless she must be...
The plethora of memories I seek refuge in, they spit me back out!
And I ask how selfish can I be for holding onto a moment longer than any being should ever grasp on to a fleeting instance.
...
I forgive you but that comes at the cost of me hating myself but I know you don't care gripping onto your own tiny little mansion...
Like a crying fox stuck in a trap pleading for mercy from the humans that lacked humanity,
Scorned by God like figures allowing agony to be known in the eyes of this small innocent creature.
Why did I always feel I needed to pay penance for wrongs I didn't commit?
I don't resent her really, no I couldn't, not ever, for I would drive myself mad trying to pull sensicals out of moments that are truly abstract in nature.
Flex my understanding of what some may never come to know,
Gouge at my eyes and call ME the bad one!
See I've been dealt an awful lot of tragedy which all leads back to you,
It's a matter of fault, and there is no escaping, the one who runs from blame!
The fingers were never pointing back at me I must now confess,
I truly crippled you and for that I am so sorry...
I allowed your own faults to be casted in my direction,
To shield you from the painful sting of ever sinking blame,
I honestly protected you when I shouldn't have...
I felt like you were the moon trying to live forever in this solar eclipse,
Over accentuating that one moment of true rarity where you blocked me out!
Horrific really, allowing your son to set.
But I was always drowning, so am I now the melodramatic one?
There was always something about the way she spoke that made you want to listen...
I'm used to it honestly, how couldn't I be? But it's kinda ****** up for me to allow myself to find familiarity in her screaming,
Like a baby who can't fall asleep without the sound of it's mother singing,
I yearn for the nails etched across the chalk board, I find solace in her ever rising voice...
I wanted to hear her sing but in moments of hopelessness, I wanted her to sleep...
Something peaceful really, observing a deadly creature, so fragile and defenseless,
Lulled into a moment of peace, such a ferocious beast!
It almost seems out of character really...
Pleading the role of the fox brought nightmare, my ankle hurts but only out of respect for the situation as these metal clamps dig into my very soul!
The moment is killing me so I seek refuge in a plethora of memories I've obtained!
...
It was lonely, that's all I can say growing up in the mansion that is her ego,
I felt myself shrinking as she grew even larger,
I almost offed myself when word came about her plans to expand this already monstrous poor excuse for a home...
But as I grew old enough to understand the situation at hand, I felt an alienation becoming of me, I reject her empty gestures of love, they were all bought!
In a ****** up way I became who she needed, the one who affirms, an advocate of sorts,
Holding the hands of the perpetually filthy,
But I just couldn't be who she needed me to be for her,
I felt pathetic almost as if I failed my normality, I had to start thinking for myself...
When the mansion shrunk I was shocked really,
Honestly it was a dreadful burden to navigate around as some of the rooms were disappearing.
She was growing numb in reality and it took allot for me to still hate her,
But that's the point of this really, I resented myself all this time for loving her...
I wanted the one who runs from blame to take on all I've been shouldering,
I wanted in a place separate from reality for her to come to her senses and to apologize for all she's done to hurt me!
But there are some things that will never happen and I guess that was my point of writing this,
To give those permission to love the unlovable, to reach out in the situations that don't care to be understood.
...
Well I found myself running from the moon as it breached the horizon,
She was a bullet in my horizon, she stopped the son from rising not caring for the consequences of her actions!
How careless she must be...
The plethora of memories I seek refuge in, they spit me back out!
And I ask how selfish can I be for holding onto a moment longer than any being should ever grasp on to a fleeting instance.
...
I forgive you but that comes at the cost of me hating myself but I know you don't care gripping onto your own tiny little mansion...
This is my most recent piece, it's about growing up with my mentally ill mother and the heart ache that went along with it.
