I don't know how to write about what broke me.
And no, losing him wasn't it.
That part of my heartache is simple to write about.
It's nothing compared to the other.
I had a miscarriage...
And no I didn't want a kid.
But I would rather have triplets than the feeling of losing it engraved in my head.
I felt it happen.
I felt my body giving up on the life it was creating.
I felt all the life in it drain away.
I felt it dying.
And there was nothing I could do but lay there.
As the life from it drained away, the life in me did also.
I can't let go of how it felt to feel something I was creating....
Give up hope.
I've never been in more pain.
It has crippled me.
But yes...
Not having him to hold my hand.
Not having him to support me...
Has made it so much harder.
But truthfully...
I'd be fine if I had never had to feel that.