I sometimes look at pictures of this
pornstar
              who
sort of looks
at me the same way as a girl I liked
when I was in elementary school
and middle school
and high school
and
I guess I still kind of like her;
and that’s why I look at pictures of
this pornstar when I *******.
I feel bad, seeing her ***** there--
this person I’ve transposed with
memories.
It reminds me of college vacation
she was jogging and saw me on a hill;
I shouldn’t be seeing this-- I thought.
Still she saw me peek.
And we used to be friends, or something.
When my crush refused my present during
second grade, I gave it to her.
Her voice came as close to touching me
as anything I’ve ever held;
and her eyes were piercing with their
trust and sympathy.
But I’ll never tell her,
that I can’t *******
with her watching me.
And no, it’s not a love story.
I won’t ever tell her-- even if she always
knew.
Remorse looks too much like
blonde women.
And it’s ruining my **** habit.