Putting people into the situation
that literally puts them in tears
just thinking about it
isn't going to help it
if it was,
I would be fine by now,
public speaking wouldn't phase me,
I could walk down hallways with my head up
I could make eye contact
I could walk into classrooms alone
I could hang out with the few friends I have
I could talk to people I know
I could pay for my own things without wanting
to stab myself in the throat afterwards,
I could do all these things that seem normal and casual
I could do all of this without crying
I could do all of this without a constricted throat,
and a heart that feels like it's tied down
to my feet
and don't you dare say
it's because I don't try
I've tried
and tried
and tried
Don't you dare say I'm faking it
because this is a personal hell