the water in the shower was hotter than july
and i can't remember when my head hit the side of the porcelain tub
but it did it painlessly

when i fell and started to cry
i couldn't tell the difference between the ground
or the pure white floor
everything seemed to twist and turn into a dark bruised mess

i sat there naked and vulnerable for hours at a time
wondering when the next wave would crash
hoping this time the tide wouldn't pull me in so far
but it did

an hour or so later
when my dad asked me why i'd been in the bathroom so long
i told him i was cleaning the tub
but he knew that wasn't true

he knew what a tub was for
afterall,
i went to clean myself