Today is waiting
after writing a professional email
and constantly checking my inbox
getting nothing else done
and the brief relief when I see a reply
until I realize I have to do it all over again.
Today is the right classroom
with the wrong instructor at the front
and me wishing I had looked at more people before now
so maybe the faces wouldn't all look like strangers.
It's one loud girl I recognize looking as confused as I feel.
It's the "is this the right class?" "maybe" behind me.
It's the robot sitting on the desk, staring,
and unless my partner suddenly grew his hair out,
it is the stranger sitting next to me.
It's the professor entering and doubts still lingering
thirty minutes after the lecture has ended.
Today is wearing a new piece of clothing,
walking confidently out of the apartment,
and then tugging at it every thirty seconds
until the day is finally over.
Today is walking to the car at night,
hands purple in jacket pockets
gripping pepper spray in one hand
inhaler in the other
seeing the moon and stars and night sky,
and suddenly crying because the world is so small
and the universe is so big
and nothing matters
but everything matters
and what if I don't like my job
what if I live unhappily for the rest of my life
there is no reason for anything I do
why should I do anything
but I can't stop doing things
because then I won't have a stable life
and if I'm forced to live, I want to live in stability
and take care of myself and live quietly
because there's no point in changing anything
because we are all just going to die
and in the end there is no meaning to anything we do
so new clothing or wrong classrooms or writing emails shouldn't matter
but it does.
It does.