letting you go was ,
white knuckles, scar tissue
and the brutal messy dissection of my sense of self.
misdirection of my worth,
it hurt
harder than the rain on that old tin roof where
we shared secrets and quietly murmured prayers;
listening to the world burn;
clinging to one another while the world turned
so fast the centrifugal force put pressure on my heart,
while so delicately keeping me together
when i should have come apart,
Sometimes it was hard
Harder than the contact made
between dads face and the plait mom threw,
you ,
you and I , we knew,
and we grew up
turning over life's encounters like loose stones
pulling covers over our heads
as effective a defense mechanism as
dads mosaic of empty promises,
decorating that empting well of hope,
pretending like someone else could know me
like you know
the sound of my heart beat,
like it would beat when I was
so young
I still thought the sun would shine through rain most days
I stay up late watching
rain chase rain
on window sills
remembering your smile,
back when it was real.
Losing you was the hardest thing
and considering I can still see your face whenever I feel the urge
I guess it just made it harder to come to terms
with what I've learned these last few years,
No amount of toil nor tears will resurrect the girl
you were
before
you decided against yourself,
and shed your sense of consideration and selflessness
like layers of old skin,
spoiling your innocents with a resentment I can understand,
you turned to dust like ashes in my hand
And I will mourn you like all the pieces of myself that have died,
like the family and the home I have watched transcend me,
surpass me,
At last we can have peace.

I'm thankful now,
to have moved on.