May 2011
The moon hung low, and watched me from right outside my window.
I couldn't sleep. Thousands of ways to die played like films reels on two dark red walls behind my eyes.
Excuse me, thousands of ways to be happy appeared like holograms as the light shone through my window.
And I saw now. And then I saw now. And now I see now. But not now.
I see a flickering spotlight darting around my room. I'm giggling.
...I'm giggling?
I think the last time I giggled was before I knew what the verb giggle meant.
Oh little light...you are fooling me into thinking I am now someone I am not anymore. I'll watch you. I'll watch you like the moon watches me.
Now I'm seeing...these things I think they're called memories.
I'm remembering the journey I took once...and you beside me, sharing every moment.
And now I remember the fallen ones.
The Green One, the mother.
The First One, the father.
The One Who Looked Like the Sea, the son.
The One That Got Away, the antagonist.
The One With the Broken Back, the lover.
The Two Who Nearly Drowned, brother and sister.
The One of All Hues, the adopted son.
Why do they come to me now? I know where they all lie. I laid them there.
Perhaps I wasn't ready for them to be memories yet...but what could I do?
What the hell could I have done? They told me, it was time. They had to go.
Like they had a place to be that wasn't with me, and it was urgent.
They told me this was my world now...and I didn't know what that meant.
But now I think......................I see you. You're as restless as I am.
Look at you. It's like you never even stopped journeying.
Through life, through death, you didn't care.
Sometimes I wonder what goes through your head.
You seem to see something I don't, something behind the scenes.
Something that justifies living here. On this God Forsaken Rock.
Sometimes I feel like you're inches from figuring it out...then the next moment...
you look as puzzled as me.
If there is a God...first of all he needs to get away from my window.
He needs to stop making me see things. And he needs to stop making uncontrollable circumstances that give me a reason to believe in him.
I'm not in tears as much as I was last time. Last time I saw God.
He told me to start the rapture. He told me to do it on May 21, 2011.
And I cried, and I begged him for an answer. And he just watched me cry.
And even through the tears I made the promise to do it.
And I broke my promise...I couldn't do it.
I couldn't understand, I looked around and saw so many beautiful people.
And I looked in the darkest places of the world and I still found such beautiful people.
And now I realize...that maybe....maybe life is beautiful....maybe life has made them beautiful. And maybe they deserve something better already?
I failed you once...hell probably more than once. But I'm gonna do anything I can to make it up to you.
Oh, little light.
It's time to quit your restlessness.
The sun is rising.
And the visions are going
to the other side.
We can follow them there.
But first you must rest.
I need this to be my world now.
I couldn't sleep. Thousands of ways to die played like films reels on two dark red walls behind my eyes.
Excuse me, thousands of ways to be happy appeared like holograms as the light shone through my window.
And I saw now. And then I saw now. And now I see now. But not now.
I see a flickering spotlight darting around my room. I'm giggling.
...I'm giggling?
I think the last time I giggled was before I knew what the verb giggle meant.
Oh little light...you are fooling me into thinking I am now someone I am not anymore. I'll watch you. I'll watch you like the moon watches me.
Now I'm seeing...these things I think they're called memories.
I'm remembering the journey I took once...and you beside me, sharing every moment.
And now I remember the fallen ones.
The Green One, the mother.
The First One, the father.
The One Who Looked Like the Sea, the son.
The One That Got Away, the antagonist.
The One With the Broken Back, the lover.
The Two Who Nearly Drowned, brother and sister.
The One of All Hues, the adopted son.
Why do they come to me now? I know where they all lie. I laid them there.
Perhaps I wasn't ready for them to be memories yet...but what could I do?
What the hell could I have done? They told me, it was time. They had to go.
Like they had a place to be that wasn't with me, and it was urgent.
They told me this was my world now...and I didn't know what that meant.
But now I think......................I see you. You're as restless as I am.
Look at you. It's like you never even stopped journeying.
Through life, through death, you didn't care.
Sometimes I wonder what goes through your head.
You seem to see something I don't, something behind the scenes.
Something that justifies living here. On this God Forsaken Rock.
Sometimes I feel like you're inches from figuring it out...then the next moment...
you look as puzzled as me.
If there is a God...first of all he needs to get away from my window.
He needs to stop making me see things. And he needs to stop making uncontrollable circumstances that give me a reason to believe in him.
I'm not in tears as much as I was last time. Last time I saw God.
He told me to start the rapture. He told me to do it on May 21, 2011.
And I cried, and I begged him for an answer. And he just watched me cry.
And even through the tears I made the promise to do it.
And I broke my promise...I couldn't do it.
I couldn't understand, I looked around and saw so many beautiful people.
And I looked in the darkest places of the world and I still found such beautiful people.
And now I realize...that maybe....maybe life is beautiful....maybe life has made them beautiful. And maybe they deserve something better already?
I failed you once...hell probably more than once. But I'm gonna do anything I can to make it up to you.
Oh, little light.
It's time to quit your restlessness.
The sun is rising.
And the visions are going
to the other side.
We can follow them there.
But first you must rest.
I need this to be my world now.
