Mar 2015
To keep things simple, I'll stay outside of my mind and its overwhelming idealism that consumes everything I touch.
I'll simply dissect my vocabulary and boil my raw possibly misguided passion down for this last straw on my breaking back.
I've always thought how magnificent it would be to reveal everything that’s been drowning in my sea of anger slowly being picked apart by the sharks of alcoholism and other excuses.
But then I remember how much sweeter it is to say nothing every time you call me on the phone to say you’re sorry, and that you love me. Because it took you 20 years to realize you weren't really there, but I'm dam glad about that.
I'm dreaming of when I'm not the black sheep in the family anymore because by then I've turned every drop of sweat, blood, and whatever other ****** fluids there may be into pure gold!
If only to throw it at your feet and buy my ******* pride, dignity, respect, honor, and freedom from you and everything you represent and cram down others’ throats.
But I know I KNOW you won’t accept it... you wouldn't dare offer me that luxury.
So I thought I'd burn it right in front of you.
But the boy in me says no, find a better use or way, there is still a father in him, and the lessons he taught, you were blinded too due to your own stupidity.
He showed you respect, how to keep your spine straight when he spat in your face.
He left you plenty of space to become entirely your own being.
He taught you, that you should never turn down a man’s pure hearted generosity, it’s the easiest way to say *******.
He showed you that no matter how little you talk to someone, they will figure you out by filling in the spaces.
They will come to know a distant reflection of you.
And I watched you, collected finger prints off your unintentional ****** plans for your own soul.
All I can say that I really found out about you was that you were obsessed with a hate for your dead father and blinded by a rage to out due and condemn him in every way you could, even in the way you distanced yourself from your own wife.
I never could figure out why you two got married... was it just another business plan?
You know the sad thing is the men I respect the most in this world look up to you in some way or another.
And after all the silence I still haven't found a way to appropriately **** you off yet.
I am not worthless, I've spent an eternity trying to prove to no one that I'm not, don't you dare look at me that way either... I do it enough myself.
I've unwittingly fallen into the apparent family trap.
I just hope That the oath I swore to the devil and everyone that had more than a handful of conversations with me that I wouldn't...
That when I inevitably fail, this ends with me.
I'll simply dissect my vocabulary and boil my raw possibly misguided passion down for this last straw on my breaking back.
I've always thought how magnificent it would be to reveal everything that’s been drowning in my sea of anger slowly being picked apart by the sharks of alcoholism and other excuses.
But then I remember how much sweeter it is to say nothing every time you call me on the phone to say you’re sorry, and that you love me. Because it took you 20 years to realize you weren't really there, but I'm dam glad about that.
I'm dreaming of when I'm not the black sheep in the family anymore because by then I've turned every drop of sweat, blood, and whatever other ****** fluids there may be into pure gold!
If only to throw it at your feet and buy my ******* pride, dignity, respect, honor, and freedom from you and everything you represent and cram down others’ throats.
But I know I KNOW you won’t accept it... you wouldn't dare offer me that luxury.
So I thought I'd burn it right in front of you.
But the boy in me says no, find a better use or way, there is still a father in him, and the lessons he taught, you were blinded too due to your own stupidity.
He showed you respect, how to keep your spine straight when he spat in your face.
He left you plenty of space to become entirely your own being.
He taught you, that you should never turn down a man’s pure hearted generosity, it’s the easiest way to say *******.
He showed you that no matter how little you talk to someone, they will figure you out by filling in the spaces.
They will come to know a distant reflection of you.
And I watched you, collected finger prints off your unintentional ****** plans for your own soul.
All I can say that I really found out about you was that you were obsessed with a hate for your dead father and blinded by a rage to out due and condemn him in every way you could, even in the way you distanced yourself from your own wife.
I never could figure out why you two got married... was it just another business plan?
You know the sad thing is the men I respect the most in this world look up to you in some way or another.
And after all the silence I still haven't found a way to appropriately **** you off yet.
I am not worthless, I've spent an eternity trying to prove to no one that I'm not, don't you dare look at me that way either... I do it enough myself.
I've unwittingly fallen into the apparent family trap.
I just hope That the oath I swore to the devil and everyone that had more than a handful of conversations with me that I wouldn't...
That when I inevitably fail, this ends with me.
