There is something about this sadness. Something comforting. It is honestly I will never come to understand. I remember this time last year was when it all started. When I realized I wasn't just sad. I remember thinking "I'm sure I will be back to normal sometime soon." And yet I still stand here a year later. I felt this way for 5 months. In March the sadness had finally calmed down. Let me be alone for a while. But it didn't stay that way for long. 3 months past and I loose my first and real best friend. Not in a death way. In more of a "they found better people" way. I remember trying to hold my tears back while I saw him out in public. I got stood up by the one person I thought would never leave me. In the blink of an eye I was alone again. I remember coming home and my family reviving a door slamming rather then a "I'm back." I locked my door and cried for hours on end. I remember the feel of the cold metal to my skin. This feel of relief that I had completely forgotten. It was amazing but terrible at the same time. I felt okay I found comfort from harming my own body. But I also felt bad because I shouldn't need a blade for comfort. I should not need to feel pain to feel loved. July I hadn't been a day clean sense the loss of my best friend. I remember all that was in my mind. I would think myself into these terrible situations. I would set outside on a blanket alone and listen to sad songs and hope it could some how feel this void. This empty feel I had. August School is almost here. Which means being around my former best friend. Just the thought of having to act like I was never forget sent a shiver down my spine. It also meant shopping for clothes. This is also the time I realized I was not okay with my weight. When I tried on that first pair of size 15 pants I could have chocked when they fit almost perfect. I went to school only to have him ignore me even more. I thought he was mad at me for whatever reason I will never know. September I make a new friend. Her name is Lindsay and she is amazing. We get close over the course of a week. She makes me feel alright with myself. She makes me feel not alone. October. I get message at 2:36 A.M. from my former friend. "Wake up, it's question time." He asks why I push him away. I respond with an "I'm sorry I thought that's what you wanted." We talk for hours as if nothing ever happened. October 11th I get a boyfriend. He is the sweetest person I have ever talked to. I have just never met him. He makes me feel like I am perfect. October 31st. I am 2 months clean and proud. November. Family gets loud and the voices in my head get even louder so loud to the point of wear I can't even think straight. November 10th 60 pills down the throat I set and wait for it to all end. I get a kik notification from my old friend. "Are you alright, something was telling me to check on you." I reply with a "yes just know I love you." I start to get drowsy and all I can remember from there is they somehow talked me out of it. I gagged myself to try and stop the pills before they can do anymore damage. My friend was sure to let Lindsay know and she told my boyfriend. She made sure I knew that what I did was not the Anwser. I went  school the next day and got a huge hug that felt like a breath of sweet relief to me. November 23rd I meet my boyfriend. I have an amazing day with him. He makes me feel loved and cherished. December. My birthday is soon And I am determined to stay here long enough for it. I feel okay. December 7th my boyfriend blocks me on every social media. Our only way of communicating is just gone. Without a trace we never fought or anything he just left. I fall back into this feeling of nothing and yet again turn to my blade. December 20th I made it, it is finally my birthday. I go out with the old friend that is the reason I am here today. We have an amazing time, I start my journey to feeling alright. Again. December 31st I go to one best friends house and we make our 12 New Years wishes when the ball drops. January I get the feeling of sadness again.I struggle my way through school and my family life. The voices get louder. I am feeling the same as I did a year ago. February 1st I write a long dumb poem that no one wants to read. And suddenly realize I never changed a bit from this time last year.