I realized I’m the one my friends come to with their problems
trusting me to be the one to fix these broken dams
to salvage the fire
to fix these scars
to save these lives
to smile and pretend like I have everything under control
when really I’m breaking on the inside
I'm grasping at straws
taking a shot in the dark
never really knowing if it will help
I let them cry on my shoulder
hold them until they stop whispering about how it will be alright
but honestly I don’t know if it will
I can feel the guilt gnawing at my insides
knowing I can’t save these delicate lives
I can feel the secrets weighing down on me
itching to be free of this troubled mind
secrets so dark and raw most would crumble
but I stay strong
no tears no emotion not a flicker of . . . anything
these lives resting in the palm of my hands
no pressure . . . right

I don’t know what it is about me that people trust
maybe it’s because
I like to think that I can fix anything
like when my step dad was told one of his intestines didn’t work
I comforted my mother as she cried on my shoulder
I liked to think that if I kept them close I could keep the pain at bay
I took care of my two little brothers while she sat in the hospital
waiting, worried about him surviving the surgery
later it was announced that he needed another surgery
once again mom laid her head on my shoulder
he survived but earned another scar
another life or death surgery under his belt

My sister was so sick she couldn’t hold anything down
constantly throwing up sometimes dry heaving
always dizzy and sleepy
making her irritable
she spent two weeks in the hospital
maybe a little longer
mom cried next to me on the couch worried sick about her
she asked how I was doing I told her I was fine, it’s going to be alright
even though I myself wondered and worried afraid for her life
I went to see her a few times
no one could figure out what was wrong with her
they diagnosed and treated her but to no avail
in fact she got worse
they diagnosed her again last minute
had they waited any longer she would be dead
she has diabetes

My grandma fell down her tile and concrete stairs
mom was scared for her, she could have hit her head and bled out
she couldn’t walk very well without help
she was diagnosed with M.S.
she now lives with my aunt in Puerto Rico

My step dad was diagnosed with cancer
I remember mom sat me down to tell me tears streaking down her cheeks
with his useless father standing behind her
she asked me how I was doing
I stared at her with a blank face and hugged her
the reality of it all didn’t hit me until I saw him laying in a hospital bed
tubes coming out of every inch of exposed skin
I went home that night and cried
mom worked all the time now to pay for the hospital visits, chemo
and everything in-between
I took care of my brothers almost all the time now
while my useless grandfather sat on his *** in front of the television
every now and then telling me how to take care of the boys
I raised them I know how to care for them go back to sitting on your ***
don't force feed my brother
stop deliberately disobeying our rules
you're an *** never giving a **** that your son was dying
all you cared about was your stupid television
you didn't give a **** about the safety of your grandsons
and after months of extreme anger and depression
of punching things and yelling
going off at the smallest insignificant things
my stepdad was finally in remission
and finally we were able to rid ourselves of my grandfather's toxic presence

I remember my mothers friend telling us she’s six weeks pregnant
she almost lost the baby
she wanted me to be her babysitter
we were so excited and picked out baby names
only to lose the baby days later
my heart broke alongside her own
her boyfriend left her and said
in his country men can leave their wives because they can't bear a child
mom’s eyes watered
I tell her it’s ok next time we know what to do
she’s at the age where having a baby is harder to do
she let her emotions out in front of me wanting to be strong for Yendy
I put my own feelings aside to comfort her

I helped my friend through the pain
of watching her little sister try to end her life
I stopped pursuing my crush
I put aside all feelings for him and avoided him
knowing he would ask about my problems and try to comfort me
as he had done so many times before
I gave my friend advice on how to talk to her sister
gave her comfort when she struggled to keep her tears back
advised her to listen to her sister
told her to subtly encourage her to dump her horrid friends

I barely slept staying up all night to talk to my best friend
she was going through a difficult breakup
I tried my best to mend her broken heart

I barely ate when a friend was betrayed by his girlfriend
I played referee for another friend and her boyfriend
once again I stopped all advancements in my life giving them my advice
now I realize
I always seem to put my life on hold for my friends
I fix these broken dams
I salvage the fire
I fix these scars
I save these lives
I have everything under control
I know what I’m doing
I’m the strong one so you don’t have to be