Being Strong

I realized I’m the one my friends come to with their problems trusting me to be the one to fix these broken dams to salvage the fire to fix these scars to save these lives to smile and pretend like I have everything under control when really I’m breaking on the inside I'm grasping at straws taking a shot in the dark never really knowing if it will help I let them cry on my shoulder hold them until they stop whispering about how it will be alright but honestly I don’t know if it will I can feel the guilt gnawing at my insides knowing I can’t save these delicate lives I can feel the secrets weighing down on me itching to be free of this troubled mind secrets so dark and raw most would crumble but I stay strong no tears no emotion not a flicker of . . . anything these lives resting in the palm of my hands no pressure . . . right I don’t know what it is about me that people trust maybe it’s because I like to think that I can fix anything like when my step dad was told one of his intestines didn’t work I comforted my mother as she cried on my shoulder I liked to think that if I kept them close I could keep the pain at bay I took care of my two little brothers while she sat in the hospital waiting, worried about him surviving the surgery later it was announced that he needed another surgery once again mom laid her head on my shoulder he survived but earned another scar another life or death surgery under his belt My sister was so sick she couldn’t hold anything down constantly throwing up sometimes dry heaving always dizzy and sleepy making her irritable she spent two weeks in the hospital maybe a little longer mom cried next to me on the couch worried sick about her she asked how I was doing I told her I was fine, it’s going to be alright even though I myself wondered and worried afraid for her life I went to see her a few times no one could figure out what was wrong with her they diagnosed and treated her but to no avail in fact she got worse they diagnosed her again last minute had they waited any longer she would be dead she has diabetes My grandma fell down her tile and concrete stairs mom was scared for her, she could have hit her head and bled out she couldn’t walk very well without help she was diagnosed with M.S. she now lives with my aunt in Puerto Rico My step dad was diagnosed with cancer I remember mom sat me down to tell me tears streaking down her cheeks with his useless father standing behind her she asked me how I was doing I stared at her with a blank face and hugged her the reality of it all didn’t hit me until I saw him laying in a hospital bed tubes coming out of every inch of exposed skin I went home that night and cried mom worked all the time now to pay for the hospital visits, chemo and everything in-between I took care of my brothers almost all the time now while my useless grandfather sat on his ass in front of the television every now and then telling me how to take care of the boys I raised them I know how to care for them go back to sitting on your ass don't force feed my brother stop deliberately disobeying our rules you're an ass never giving a shit that your son was dying all you cared about was your stupid television you didn't give a damn about the safety of your grandsons and after months of extreme anger and depression of punching things and yelling going off at the smallest insignificant things my stepdad was finally in remission and finally we were able to rid ourselves of my grandfather's toxic presence I remember my mothers friend telling us she’s six weeks pregnant she almost lost the baby she wanted me to be her babysitter we were so excited and picked out baby names only to lose the baby days later my heart broke alongside her own her boyfriend left her and said in his country men can leave their wives because they can't bear a child mom’s eyes watered I tell her it’s ok next time we know what to do she’s at the age where having a baby is harder to do she let her emotions out in front of me wanting to be strong for Yendy I put my own feelings aside to comfort her I helped my friend through the pain of watching her little sister try to end her life I stopped pursuing my crush I put aside all feelings for him and avoided him knowing he would ask about my problems and try to comfort me as he had done so many times before I gave my friend advice on how to talk to her sister gave her comfort when she struggled to keep her tears back advised her to listen to her sister told her to subtly encourage her to dump her horrid friends I barely slept staying up all night to talk to my best friend she was going through a difficult breakup I tried my best to mend her broken heart I barely ate when a friend was betrayed by his girlfriend I played referee for another friend and her boyfriend once again I stopped all advancements in my life giving them my advice now I realize I always seem to put my life on hold for my friends I fix these broken dams I salvage the fire I fix these scars I save these lives I have everything under control I know what I’m doing I’m the strong one so you don’t have to be

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