Last night was the first night I felt something in a very long time. Rusty razor blade in hands I navigated my thoughts - a nightly ritual needed for survival. Cutting away every problem A surgeon dissecting myself, removing the worries that have been malignant for so long - I was dying with them My hands no longer trembled One incision after the next, blood doesn't come at first. Flustered I state until crimson red beads surface slowly and pool over against pale skin. My thoughts get quieter I took a deep breath - I could feel the oxygen filling my lungs. It didn't burn like it had moments before. It felt like I was surfacing after days underwater Just one more - 5,6,7 I was losing feeling in my hands 10, 15 In my feet 30 I start to feel dizzy Red pours out of me So beautiful My heart rate so slow My mind so quiet So this is what heaven feels like?