a paradox. the perfect word to use to describe myself.

i am lazy, but i am ambitious. i wish to be happy in life, but my mind is always clouded with the saddest thoughts. i crave for attention but when attained, i tend to push away whoever who's giving it to me. i don't really like myself but i love what i've become. i will constantly tell you i don't give a **** about you but i honestly really do care about you. i want to love and at the same time i don't want to - it's my greatest fear, yet craving. i find it tiring to not be loved, but exhausting to love. i am tired but fused with energy. i don't even understand how any of this works. i am a conflicted contradiction.

like i said, you just have to understand that i am really hard to understand and -
if i can't figure myself out then,


nobody can.