1/5-8/07

4:40 AM



i couldn't sleep if i tried
my pillow still smells like You
there are no more tears left to cry
i can't stop thinking about You
so i'll bury my head
hold my breath
then chicken out too far from death
do You remember--
-our kisses in the rain?
-our keeping ourselves high?
-Your keeping myself sane?
so now i'm thrown
back into routine
pacing my life without Your rhythm
makes me want to scream

You. are. my. air.

without You i can't breathe.

i won't breathe.
i won't sleep.
but i also won't leave.

i hope that hope i hope You have lingers

(do you have to let it linger?)

i have to have it...



i've written books about You.

about the way my head spins when i catch barely a glance of Yours.
about how Your company just...fit. it felt so right.
everything about You always did.
about how nervous i get when i pull up in Your driveway, i always try to look so cool...
about how my stomach went crazy and i threw up when You ended us...

about how i've always felt so unworthy of You.
in my mind, You've always been this...being
incapeable of fault.
You could do no wrong in my eyes.

and You still can't.



my friends would call me
ask me how my day went
i'd tell them all
'i woke up next to Her, so its the best day of my life'

i've have this process
i'm gonna try and help You understand.
in the past year of my life
i've been battling.
life is one big lesson.
my Adrian's have been fighting each other.

sometimes the dark side took over.

those days were long.


I won myself.



but i lost you...



so now i'm using the experience.

i figure, if it happened, then it happened for a reason.
so what am i to learn from this?

well i've learned that the old saying is true,

you don't know what you have, untill its gone.


and now you're gone, and i'm dead without you.



so i'll pound my head into the wall

try to backtrack my thoughts

try to see

where

i

went

wrong.



but, you see, i can't imagine anything.

without. seeing. your. face.

withough seeing your eyes
your shoulders
your legs
your hipbones
your hands
your lips . . . .




*******.



I lied to You.

and i'll never stop hating myself for it.



i couldn't sleep if i tried
my pillow still smells like You
there are no more tears left to cry
i can't stop thinking about You



and i can't stop loving you.