Jan 2015
I miss you today and
The sky is more blue than I swear it has ever been
It reminds me of your skin looked in cold temperature,
The way your hands would curl from lack of circulation
I miss them too.
It rained yesterday and it reminded me of
How much we both loved thunderstorms and falling asleep to the sound of them
You said you slept better next to me than anyone else but I am more of a hurricane than anything else,
The way my downpour came in tidal waves.
Withstanding both the wind and reckless was a challenge but
It was something you did so effortlessly
I miss you so effortlessly
I do without trying to
Like a body held still with phantom limbs
Like hands that reach forward out of habit and discover a part now missing
I have learned how it feels to long for the nonexistent
To wake in the morning to an absence of comfort laying where you used to rest your head
Some days I don't want to get out of bed but
I do because you would have wanted me to
Like the way the sun wants to watch trees grow instead of hear branches snap
I never intended to split directly in half but the winter is colder than I expected it to be and
My skin has turned bark in its roughness
It is cracking in too many places and it is not very pretty to look at
I spent too long creating myself out of iron for you to have to see me rust like this
I'm sorry.
There are things I want to tell you but
They are things I cannot tell you
Because your ears are not here to listen and if I were to,
The confession would make me more vulnerable than I ever intended on being,
It would scrape me raw and paint me weak to tell you that this life is
A lot harder to navigate without you living it with me
My sense of direction has always been shaky but now every route to future is tangled in your veins
I am used to tracing them to get home and
I don't know how to get there anymore
24 hours have never seemed longer than they do now and
Nights come much sooner when there is no reason to go outside
I have learned that the sun can't blind you if you don't show your face to it
I stay in out of precaution
My sight is fading and
It is colorless without you to fill in the intricacies
I do not see like I used to
I keep them closed because these eyes have nothing to search for knowing they wont find you in their path of vision,
I want to tell you about the moon
That it seems to be growing bigger and bigger as I shrink into myself further and
I can't remember a time when I felt as whole as she appears glowing against blackness
If only I looked that beautiful in half, in crescent form
The stars here are so bright that this city of mine could be mistaken for rural landscape
They stand out every evening and tell me to look at them
I want to tell you to look too
But I know you have already seen them
I know you are the one who put them in the sky in the first place,
Hung them delicately on their hooks and said,
"Look what I built for you,
I put these up carefully with my own hands,
See? I haven't forgotten how to make you smile."
And you're right, you haven't.
The sky is more blue than I swear it has ever been
It reminds me of your skin looked in cold temperature,
The way your hands would curl from lack of circulation
I miss them too.
It rained yesterday and it reminded me of
How much we both loved thunderstorms and falling asleep to the sound of them
You said you slept better next to me than anyone else but I am more of a hurricane than anything else,
The way my downpour came in tidal waves.
Withstanding both the wind and reckless was a challenge but
It was something you did so effortlessly
I miss you so effortlessly
I do without trying to
Like a body held still with phantom limbs
Like hands that reach forward out of habit and discover a part now missing
I have learned how it feels to long for the nonexistent
To wake in the morning to an absence of comfort laying where you used to rest your head
Some days I don't want to get out of bed but
I do because you would have wanted me to
Like the way the sun wants to watch trees grow instead of hear branches snap
I never intended to split directly in half but the winter is colder than I expected it to be and
My skin has turned bark in its roughness
It is cracking in too many places and it is not very pretty to look at
I spent too long creating myself out of iron for you to have to see me rust like this
I'm sorry.
There are things I want to tell you but
They are things I cannot tell you
Because your ears are not here to listen and if I were to,
The confession would make me more vulnerable than I ever intended on being,
It would scrape me raw and paint me weak to tell you that this life is
A lot harder to navigate without you living it with me
My sense of direction has always been shaky but now every route to future is tangled in your veins
I am used to tracing them to get home and
I don't know how to get there anymore
24 hours have never seemed longer than they do now and
Nights come much sooner when there is no reason to go outside
I have learned that the sun can't blind you if you don't show your face to it
I stay in out of precaution
My sight is fading and
It is colorless without you to fill in the intricacies
I do not see like I used to
I keep them closed because these eyes have nothing to search for knowing they wont find you in their path of vision,
I want to tell you about the moon
That it seems to be growing bigger and bigger as I shrink into myself further and
I can't remember a time when I felt as whole as she appears glowing against blackness
If only I looked that beautiful in half, in crescent form
The stars here are so bright that this city of mine could be mistaken for rural landscape
They stand out every evening and tell me to look at them
I want to tell you to look too
But I know you have already seen them
I know you are the one who put them in the sky in the first place,
Hung them delicately on their hooks and said,
"Look what I built for you,
I put these up carefully with my own hands,
See? I haven't forgotten how to make you smile."
And you're right, you haven't.
