Monophobia

Or the fear of being alone

Or the fear of waking up in the middle of the night by yourself knowing that you have absolutely no one to confide in.

From an early age I was taught that my self-worth was defined with how many people found me desirable.

I found myself hopping from one relationship to the next

As if the moment I found myself alone

I was worthless

It became my favorite game.

I soon figured out that the more you “put out” the more attractive you are.

Here, I will give you my body in trade for a momentary ounce of affection

Tell me that you love me. Tell me that you need me.

Your voice sung melodies into my heart.

I fell in love with your voice where you fell in love with my desire to please.

Giving you everything you want,

Until I have nothing left to give.

I should've known that the well is only worth tapping when there is water in it,

When you told me I was too fat for you,

I shouldn’t have immediately went on a diet.

When I found out you had been cheating on my the whole time we were dating,

I should have left you.

When I found out you were  going to be the father of another girls baby,

I should have kicked your *** out.

When you started treating me like property,

I should have killed you.

But I blamed myself,

Took ever bullet,

Every punch,

Did ever chore

Palms forward,

Ready for more.

They tell me that this is wrong

But they don’t understand watching three am pass by,

Alone every night,

They don't understand nightmares and insomnia.

I am told that misery is better company than being alone.