I catch a glimpse of 2021
from this neighbourhood sometimes
looking exactly the same
but now it’s just mom dad and I.
I used to have so much to explore
the mansion of ambassadors
spending bucks at the convenient store
and our never ending lore.

You would’ve loved my balcony
and my big yellow chair
I re-tell the same story to different friends
to equate the feeling of having you there
my sister, you were
sometimes the only family I had
our last trip, at the hawker stall we said
“I think you and I are soulmates”

Even after two years
I still want to tell you
from the ire of going to work
to the man who ended my life for a while
we’d tell each other just give me a break
and i miss you when are you gonna visit
ear twist,
arm squish,
car parked in front of my porch
I used to only have you
but felt like I had more than what I have now
you’re the love turned into a loss
and your spot still remains untouched.

Tuhan,
bawalah dia pergi dari fikiranku
sembuhkan luka di hati ini
rawati tapak yang pernah dia singgah.

If this has to end
where do I go back to
is it the same space
without your abstract presence
or to my childhood bedroom
the place of just myself
and the question
"where exactly is my home"

wish I was healed
before I professed my love to you.

You see,
on days you can't find reasons anymore
feelings are all mixed up
- is this anger or sadness?
your head is 'bout to burst
wanna talk about it
but soon you'll regret
to talk means to create another perspective
another creation is already too much
so you check the date
- ah ok it's getting near, let's not talk about it
in a few days, it will all be invalid

but feelings
where do they really go
are there really places for them to settle
or just like that
they vanish
and come again
slightly different, unexpected reasons
yet still the same torment.

Today i wrote a letter to my first love
i grew up with him in my mind
i figured out dreams with him in my heart
i loved with him in every line i read

But today i wrote a letter to my first love
not with him as the antecedence
not with him actuating the things i said
not with him as the reason i wrote it

Finally, i wrote a letter to my first love
for myself who needs to escape this artificial happiness
for myself who deserves more than just the what ifs
for myself whose love has its own fate

and so after all these years,
I wrote a farewell letter to my first love.

at this very moment i've accepted
love can beautify so many pains
invalidating feelings
shredding in silence of my being
it isn't always the romance on different pages
yet the denial i've finally learnt
heartbreaks can also come from parents.