I poured myself an ocean
So I could learn how to swim
slipping from the surface
the torture that its been

In the morning I ask,
“What is it that you seek from me?
What scars do I reveal in my self pity?”

I wish them away
And they linger
Infected by a festering thought
That I can’t think or find

Where are you my pain?
Where are you my doubt?
Come out into the open
And let us burn together

In the evening I beg,
“What is it I carry that sinks deeper everyday?
What wound is this, so calloused,
That I cannot find its place?”

Am I washed up with my dignity and old age
On an island without means?
How can I sacrifice my idols
If my idols are my dreams?

Where are you my Love?
I can’t find you where you’ve been
I wish with all my being
That you’d sing a song again

moments of silence
I shutter
chest tightens
a breath after my mind in the gutter
lost itself to fake another
and hide behind my hurt

Here I fall from happiness
the ***** without a hold
I tense
and brace for ground
which races toward my body

Here I wake
a piece of meat
with a piece of cake
trying to prove my life's at stake
to save the one's I love

Here I rest at last
the spirit changes
far too fast
and I can't know how I should pass
this Love from me to you

So listen deep and listen true
before you tell yourself
what's to lose.

the first,
in the middle of an ocean
the last,
being hidden by the glass

I swell into her
a wave falling to the sand
smiling with her eyes
I feel

You hesitated
It caught you by surprise

the picture faded
right before your eyes

you might have made it
if you could let it go

but you hesitated
and now we'll never know

(now we'll never know)

you broke a promise
you never meant to keep

You can't have too much
sugar coated
sweet and broken

If you lack the stuff
feel easy now
this clinic serves a better drug

Hell is here
at 10:11

Life in fear
of losing Heaven

can't think
these ******* keep pushing
**** them
**** this
**** it all

The light is getting clearer
at the end of the tunnel
just not soon enough

Chaos runs deeper
with her every touch
so what the ****

I took that dog for a walk tonight
needy *****
always barking in my ear
in my soul

hoping he'll calm down
after our long walk alone

The Help says walks are healthy
I hope She's right
Because I shouldn't be the only one watching him

I love that dog
He always looks so happy to see me
So I feed him my hope
bathe him in my dreams
I walk him through the secrets
I haven't even told myself

Still he barks at me

Finally a little warm inside
yet here I am writing this thing with him beside me

and I meant to leave him outside.

I think I love this dog.

I run from things
because they chase me
Clouds on the horizon
diving in and out
brooding like me
tumbling like me
churning like me

the clouds are getting closer now

I think I need help.

She reached out her hand
65 times she's been around the sun
and I don't know if I can trust her

is there wisdom in not going in alone?
Or does that take something from me
that I will never get back

I feel the rain begin to lose its grip on the sky
and I can't hold on any longer
the clouds looked so small on the horizon
but they're getting closer now
and I see they were never so small

I don't want to see her
but my parents think she can help
I can't tell them not to spend their money on me
because part of me hopes I'm wrong
and they're right

I got drunk on December 28th
and totaled my fathers car going 80 into a concrete wall
He loved that car.
I think I need help.

Don't look them in the eyes
they'll see you
aces
sunken in sweaty palms

Breath casual
smoke like sandpaper
rolling off your tongue
don't look them in the eyes
they'll see you

you're bluffing
you call
another raise
and the current
is over you

looks like a party
so why not play?
you forget there's only one winner
in this game

chips falling now
a hard days work through your fingers
and after all this
she leaves you

just like all the others.

A heart is not a thing for gambling
yet here you are
and here she isn't

only as the cards are landing
all she needed
was an instant

and she leaves you like the others.

Shuffle Some Time
make your odds
this is how the game
is supposed to be played

I
You
We
are really not so promising

I
her
us
are left with our thoughts




this kid
big and bad
looking for trouble
where there isn't any

He makes all this pointlessness
seem like such a waste of time

So sad we wander how we do
when the answers are right in front of us
how come we can't stop looking?

I broke my elbow one time
not really,
but thats what I've been telling people
since I was 16

it just sounds better

big and bad is always more interesting
than the sweet average we all try to achieve

writing with writers block.
this is what I imagine smoking with lung cancer must feel like
certain doom
so why not go down swinging

to whoever is unfortunate enough
to read this far
I'm not pretending this makes any sense

and you shouldn't either

Sorry about all this nonsense.

I can't hate them enough to leave
I can't love them enough to stay

fools all gamble with their hopes and dreams
smoking,
drinking,
loving,
sleeping,
wedding,
sexing,
watching,
pleasing,
for nobody's help, and their own loss

idiots.

They lose me,
I lose them
shifty eyes at parties
start closing in

They think I understand
I don't think anybody makes sense of this
hostages of money
yet we spend it like ransom

All their mouths keep moving but there's nothings being said
All their thoughts in a bubble, never leaving our head

All their the smiles keep proving
what we're trying to forget

I don't get these people
because there's nothing to get.

How should I?
The others will see
Weak knees
Tender hands
****** from the work
that leaves me with so little

Covetous ***
and I lust for their life
soaking in the sweat
of my soul's only longing

I put myself to sleep
and have yet to wake up
Smoke and smiles
we all feel our bodies trying to get away
I do it anyway

She likes other music
so I don't like her
Still, I think we're not so different
A body, A soul
wandering all over everything
trying to get out

Lovely melancholy
I embrace the shadows
That have Worn me for years

Perfect worry
I stare at you but not for long
My vision native to the dark

I don't know what you'll find
Behind my eyes
One more kiss
Or one more cloudy sky

I think you're pretty

I hope you stay

You put a little light in my day.

I find myself busy often
I make myself do it
panic in my backpack
I'm a fearful kind of man

I don't see a face in the skies
but the stars are warm enough
breaking bread never cleared my head
it just cleared my conscience

I am the sun
with the world around me
getting tired of the same view

these people talk like broken records
I empathize.
Say strange things and see what happens

Who am I to understand myself?
Who am I to understand the skies?
its a heavy kind of light
that brings to finally to sleep

Let me be
with my nicotine
warm whiskey
and peace

I don't find Him most days
but He leaves me cheerios
on the way to my newspaper bed
I don't know if I love that or hate it

They say the things you do
come back to haunt you
that makes me man
and You the ghost

still,
the only time I feel peace
is when You circle me.

I am not the man my father wanted
I am not as good as him

He is a precedent
that costs me everything
Do I seek fulfillment?
Or learn his trade?

A boy is a man
when he decides who to be.

A man doesn't stumble into form.
He chooses it.

How do I choose with so little to believe?
I see the children
As they tighten their ties
and know, like me, they don't belong in law school

Money has me tangled again
always there, always gone
Money has no loyalty
but neither do I so far

My dad has some money
I feel safer knowing that
but once he's gone
his money won't remember him

Will it fall to the hands of a boy?
or a man?

It's
too
quiet.

Fickle is the word that comes to mind

How fragile is this smile on my face?
out of place
it feels painted
but I believe it
and it believes me

I don't believe myself,
with these sparkles in my eyes
its not like me to feel this nice

I figure it will fade
but each laugh is certain
Like I've tasted something sweet
it whispers I'm still young
that there's light behind the curtain

feeble as each step I take,
could I fall from such high heights?
Is this a new world for me?
is something not right?

All my friends are talking about drugs
saying, "feels like heaven
come feel like us"

All my friends are out drinking us dry
staying up until 7
still on a buzz

I want to taste the honey
spend my money
I feel like it's real
but I can't be sure

Well my nose is runny
ain't it funny
now I'm here
no idea what I'm looking for

They're all losing their minds
behind closed doors
there's plenty to hide

it never ends
and they never know why
they still wake up unsatisfied
we wake up
unsatisfied

but it feels like heaven

come feel like us.

What a tricky thing
the truth

Somehow I have decided
I hate it

To what end
do we believe this?
To where
do we hope it takes us?

Eternity in absence of those we love
and they call it heaven
I found a question
and no one has the answer

Still I ask
and ask
until it sounds more like begging

you sit in the same building
and pretend your beliefs aren't running rogue
I sit with them now
and wonder how they do it.

To God

Be

The

Glory

Forever

Amen.

Who runs this race?
this show we face?
I feel the pressure
of another hands around my flickering heart

I have a mind to jump
I have a mind to jump
without the mind of some
I worry where I'm from

Give me loneliness
I have a mind of lust
Who runs, who runs
Life in the hands
of something other than myself

they pick my words before they escape
grasping for myself
swarms of hands where I sink
I have a mind to leave

Darling Superficial

How you tuck me into bed

Your kiss of death is smiling

From the mantel where you're hiding

And your teeth a running red


Darling Superficial

Your paralysis and swoon

Lifeless and enchanting

Why must you be dancing

To this narcisistic tune?

Paralysis of the heart
The lifeblood of my mind
Behind it pulls apart
To find a pulse in hiding

It had been beneath me
A gentleness to the world
But untangled, untwirled
I fell from the pedistal
Into a tender ocean below

Now I sink beyond the water
Landing deeper than creation
Volumes rise above
To the pedistal I once loved

Others welcome me
And I sit to drink their wine
With every sip I smile
Leaving decadence behind

Count the threads
Waves of stitches on a sea of light
In they reach
out they fall
through the failing of the night

On the other side
Where I wish to be
shines beauty
and the willow tree

Zenith is an understatement
Everything is overrated
Inside outside don't betray it

Nevermind
And never make it

Heaven isn't getting nearer
Envisioned in the rear view mirror
A simple crowd, astounding few

Relax and let
Temptation brew