She is a story-teller;
She told him everything and every single random thoughts she has.

She told him about her story,
She told him about her day and night,
She told him about her dreams,
She told him about her thoughts,
She told him about her anger,
She told him about her confusion,
She told him about her past and plans,
She told him about her favorite football player,
She told him about her belief and faith,
She told him about her sadness and everything that bothers her,
She told him about her stupid jokes,
She told him about everything.

*except her feelings to him.

breathless
you can even hardly breath,
because of the pain in your chest..
.
.
tears rolling down,
and you start to shake
you can't take this **** anymore..

sore
you feel your chest gonna be exploded,
all you can do is crying..
.
.
you already hit the ceiling,
you're so furious,
and you wanna hit the wall,
with you bare hands
-it doesn't hurt though, *if you compare it with your heart now

He thinks, you will never leave him..
ooh, I beg your pardon, mister..

*she will.. she will..

It's been a year since I wrote my last poetry.
You can tell, how sad,
how uninspired,
how broke,
how am I such in deep, deep sorrow.

I always see myself as a nomad,
I always up to a new place, and new adventure.
then why when I need to move from Singapore,
I can't stop the tears.

I live on 40th floor of an HDB near Holland Village.
The market where I always buy my roasted chicken rice
and my teh-peng is only 3 mins walking distance.

If I need to go to my University, I will need to walk around 5 mins to the bus stop and catch bus number 74.
It's not that efficient because the bus will go along Buona Vista and Dover. But I don't really mind because I love sitting on the bus, listening to my playlist and let my mind wander.

I'm taking Marketing Degree from SIM Global University, one of the Top Private University in Singapore.
I will never forget the classes, the lecturers, my friends from all across Asia, my Indonesian friends, the canteen, and of course the projects and exams.
I will never forget that around 3 pm, me and my friends will go directly to the canteen on the Blok B and buy Kopi Peng together.
Oh, and sometimes we also buy chicken-popcorn and chicken-seaweed.

Around 8 pm, if we haven't finished our project, we will directly go to Holland Village, and chope seat on Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf.
We will stay there- sometimes just to hang out and laugh together and sometimes we really really concentrate to finish our project until 2 am.
I still remember there was a moment when I'm really stressed out with project, and I cannot smile anymore.
With my oversized tee, shorts and hoodie, I go to the barista there, ordering iced Caramel Macchiato,
He tells me, "would you smile if I give you marshmallow?"
I smiled, and he gave me a cup full of mini marshmallows.

Sometimes, when I got no money left, I will order the small cup of iced caramel macchiato. but he free-upsized me, and I will still get the regular ones.
I miss when the life was so good to me.

My friend and I have our favorite diner, Char-grill Bar that has the best Chicken chop and teh-peng.
I swear until now, I still miss the taste of it.

I'm not a club-kinda-gal. I prefer bars.
So when I want to get a little tipsy, and I want to get a nice beer and talk,
We will go to ******* or the other local bars.

There was those time, when my friends and I feeling active, we will rent a bike around Changi,
but most of the time we prefer went to Starbucks and gossiping for hours.

There is a Bingsoo place behind Bugis Junction that opens for 24 hours. Usually, after we study on the National Library near that place, we will grab something cheap to eat. Then have a long break at the Bingsoo place for a nice chat before we take Uber to get home.

I once joined the Dragon Boat team from my University, well it only lasted for maybe 2 or 3 meetings until I gave up.
But for around 2 years I was the Student Representative of my University. So I lead the Campus Tour and go to Secondary Schools around Singapore to promote my University.

I will never forget the rainy days,
when I don't need to go to a class, I will curl up in my bed, ordering McWings and Iced Milo from McDonalds, or Swiss Shroom from FatBoy's, watch a lot of romantic comedies or youtube, and not showering the whole afternoon.
or when I have class on that day, I will run with my navy blue umbrella and navy blue slippers to catch the bus.

I have a member card on the Gardens by the bay, I always spend my alone time there,
or if not, I will be on the top of the Esplanade, where I can see the panorama of Singapore.
from the very left side, you will catch the Singapore Flyer,
then in the middle, you will see the Singapore Art Science Museum and Marina Bay Sands, Singapore's CBD Area, then the Merlion, the majestic Fullerton Hotel, lastly it is the Esplanade.

Almost every single day I go to the mall.
I don't why, but me and friends always, always go to the mall to watch movies or rent PlayStation, or I don't know- sometimes we just have nothing to do, and just hanging out together.

I was living in Singapore for 3 years.
Singapore gave me a heartbreak that I never forget;
Best-friends and a lot of friends that I cherish;
A new opportunity that gave me a life lesson;
A love that I know it is true;
A home that I can never imagine;
Memories that I can never forget;
A life lesson that God wants me to learn;
and a very grateful heart that my God is my provider, as He never ever leaves me.

I will never forget that I always have my pocket knife in my hand, especially when I walk alone in the dark.
I will never forget the friends it gave me,
I will never forget how frustrating it is to have no one by my side to count on,
I will never forget the city lights that I see from my window.
I will never forget that it all so beautiful.

well, Life goes on whether we choose to stay or not.

I will never forget those moments,
those routines,
that I thought it would last forever.
Well, like The Wise Man said,
"All good things must come to an end."

P.S
9th January 2018
10:41
*(Singapore Time)

After all this time,
All this pain,
This stupid tears,
This broken heart,

It's always been you.

After all of my madness,
All of my ignorance,
All of my rejections,
All of my anger,

It's always been you. Still.

I just...
don't want you to hurt me again,
**carelessly.

She probably shouldn't talk about him ever again,
Since she is the one who left him without a trace.
She probably should leave him alone,
and stop regretting things that happened because of her own fault.

But today, please let her ramble about him.
For the very last time.

When she met The Taurian that Summer,
She thought nothing would ever happen.
A little chit-chat here and there,
Laughing for some high school memories,
life update, and lastly, a few selfies won't hurt anybody.

Before he left her at the MRT Station, he said that,
He would go to Japan. For 6 months.
She nodded.
She didn't notice,
that he will be the one that haunts her mind for a good 3 years.

They texted like crazy.
He never dates anybody before,
She might be the first gal that showered with his attention.

It was all making her so happy.
Well, she thought she fell for him.

That one night, She received a postcard from him
the one that she puts on her bible.
& other night, He sent her a Merry Christmas note with a big Christmas tree in Osaka, Japan.

But then, she left him.
She left him;
She thought, she loved him.
She thought everything that she ever asked for is that Taurian.

But he isn't.

He is indeed haunting her mind.
He is indeed making her sorry.

But maybe it's too late.

I've always been in a hunt on a perfect teh-peng.

Toastbox's
& Ya Kun’s are my favorite.
I never drink that perfect combination of iced tea, sugar and milk since I got back here.

I cross around the city,
I went to almost every Singaporean's and Malaysian's restaurant in here,
But nothing can compare to Yakun's
Or even Toastbox's.

I know,
It's only a glass of milk tea,
What makes it a big deal.

I spent 3 years living in Singapore.
& almost every day I got a glass of teh-peng everywhere I go.

& 3 years for me is enough to learn and know which teh-peng is the best;
which is the worst.

Now, it's already been a year since I left Singapore.
& truth to be told, I already forgot how it tastes.
I already forgot how it always makes my day.

*How can you miss something, that you already forgot how it was?

So I put my *** on the bar stool,

"hey! scotch and soda please!"
a moment later, he pass my order,
"thanks!"
He flash a smile, and keep busy with his job.

"you know.. it's been a long week," I start my story,
"I have a lot things to do in school, and him.. OH MY GOD, Him!! I don't understand why he's so rude to me. He doesn't care with my feelings, he doesn't appreciate me at all..."
I sip my scotch a bit.

"...So, about last Saturday, I told him that I missed him, oh yeah! he told me that he missed me too.. but you know, he didn't give me his time to at least talk in the phone. What the ****. I don't need his stupid words tho.."
I sip my scotch a bit.

I look at the barista for a moment,
He looks at me in the middle of mixing the drink,
well I don't care if he doesn't care with my story.
I just need to tell my problem to somebody.

"you know, I'm trying to be a better girlfriend.
I'm trying to stop flirting around or fooling around with other guys,
I'm trying to be more tolerance and ****..
but seems it's all useless.."
I sip my scotch a bit.

He stops mixing the drink,
and now he's wiping the table while looking me in the eye.

"Sometimes I think that he forget how to use his brain.
because every time there's a problem with us, he can't analyse by himself,
he keeps asking the same question. And I'm so tired you know??
I'm so tired explaining the same thing all over again.."
I sip my scotch a bit.

He still looks at me without a word.

"And you know, I wish he looks at his self in the mirror.
It's not me who's messing around. It's him too!!!!
I want him to reflect, how he did to me is really breaking my heart.
I wish he's standing in my shoe, so he knows how much pain I have to endure while I'm bearing with him..
I wish he would ever know.."
I sip my scotch a bit.

and before I open my mouth for another complaints,
he cut my words and say,

**"how much longer will you hold on? why are you still there?"

You are the epitome of perfection.
the personification of beauty.
the apotheosis of serenity.
.
.

*..and I have faith in you.

You are the most wonderful thing that could possibly happen in my life.
Seeing you as my boyfriend, is something that I never expect to happen before.
You are my comfort zone,
Something that I would not trade for anything.

I'm so picky when it comes to a good book.
But I know for sure, our story is the one that I definitely want to read.
Not only the synopsis or the first 29 pages, I promise I will read the entire book.
From the prologue, when we met from the very first time,
To the epilogue.

I love you so much and I really want to see us in the future, together.

He said,
"I like your eyes,
No, I love your eyes."

"Your eyes is full of compassion,
they are so beautiful,
And I love them."

With these eyes,
I look at him,
& Only him.

"Can I hug you?",
He said.
She smiled, then hug him tight.

He always loves her hugs,
But she thinks, it's much more than that.

His hugs,* makes her feels like she's at home.

Truth to be told, 2016 also surprised me.
I always thought that no one could ever love me better, and 2016 prove me wrong.
I met an old friend of mine in the late 2015. Who knew, he's the one who replace you in my heart.

You are right, love will find its way.
But, this isn't love.
Love is about take and give.
it's about companion and commitment.
it's about respect and equality.

I laugh at yourself too.
You are too busy to take me for granted, till you don't know where it all began.
It proves that you didn't care at all.

I already warned you thousand times,
If it's over, then it's over..
You don't need to cry because it's too late.
You don't need to beg because everything has changed.

It's not about  him.
It's about how you treated me when I was there for you.
and you are.. no good.

I heard him,
Telling stories about her..
How much he loves her,
How much he misses her,
How he cried for her,
How he stared at her..

I smiled,
I hope someday, I will find that one.

The one who will love me that much,
The one who will miss me, as much as he do.
The one who will cry for me,
The one who will stare at me, like the way he stares at her.

I hope I will find someone who will make me think that
"he is the one",
And make me feel that
"I am the one".
.
.

The opposite of happiness is never sadness,
or pain,
or blue,

It is always indifference.

If people ask me,
"Why him?"
No, I would not reply them with a simple "why not."
Because this is not that simple.
I would reply them with all of my theory of love.

If we are in freaking B2B model,
I have all of the rules, I have all of the assumptions,
But you are my "Arrow Electronics",

When i wrote about dating 101 or the other love rules, it's only based on my perception, me as an idealist.
But when I meet you, turn out it is You, the subject I wrote about.

Never thought that I would ever found a guy like you.
It's not too good to be true;
As I believe that we should never believe something that is too good to be true. It could be deceiving, they said.
I know you well; and I know that you are exactly what I want in life.

You are my 11:11, dandelions, and dimes-in-a-well wishes.
As if I ever pray to God,
It is you who I've been asking for.

No, I don't love you only because you are the figure that I talk about in all of my rules,
I do love you even when you are super protective, sensitive, possesive and jealous.
I love you because I know,
You are the one that I've been waiting for all my life.

I know I'm not easy to bear with.
But, I promise you,
If you stay with me,
I will love you more than anyone in this world.
And I will try my best not to hurt you.

Thanks to Neptune, this is our second (22).

You are my only inspiration when it comes to love,
I would never want to leave you.
You are the best thing that ever happen in my life,
How could I afford to lose you.

Thank you dear for staying with me these 2 months,
Loving you is so easy. So addicting. So exciting.
I just couldn't stop.

She said,
she loves stargazing.
she spends hours to look at the sky.
& talking,
& contemplating.
She loves night sky,
where only she, the moon & the stars blink.

But doesn't she realise that,

The Sun is also a star?

I change like seasons.

I can absolutely sure that you are the one for me,
and vice verca in any other day.
I change, I never the same.

It's all because,
I've been the same everyday.
I've been loving the same person every night.

Then, he hurts me.
Making me feel so loved,
Making me feel like I'm the only one,
Making me feel like I'm the world for him,

and vice verca in any other day.

I am sad and cold.
What should I do?

I am broken and hurt.
What should I do?

I am stupid and despair.
What should I do?

I can't see the light,
I can't see any hope.

Where is the spring?
Where the birds and butterflies fly together happily.
Where the flowers and trees grow up beautifully

Well, maybe it will be a long winter.
with hurricane, and storm.
Well, maybe it will be a long rainy day.
with thunder and lightning.

They promised me a rainbow.
They lied.

We have been really caught up in the World these days.
All we’ve been watch or read or think about are all about terrors;
wars;
tragedy.

We let our mind busy,
We let ourselves think & worry too much.

We often forget that we need to feed our mind to keep it sane.
We deserve to get our time alone,
To just breath, to just contemplate about life.
To seize the day.
To be grateful.
.

I hope someday my heart will understand that I would never be more than his bestfriend.
I hope my heart will stop aching when heard him talking about another girls.
I hope my heart will finally accept the fact that I would never be with him.

I hope I can listen his story as his true bestfriend, not as a girl who secretly in love with him.
I hope I can be happy when he's happy with someone else.

I hope my brain will stop repeating the fact that I do really in love with him.
I hope my brain can help my heart from falling and aching.

I hope someday, I can be his true friend.

As I sit in this old log tonight,
in the middle of severe storm,
I feel nothing.
There's nothing could hurt me more than this broken heart.

As I walk into a deep, and cold forest,
in this creepy night,
I feel nothing.
There's nothing could scare me more than the idea of losing you.

As I hold a bottle of beer in my hand,
I slipped by the frozen ground,
I sit.. and I still feel nothing...
...
...
...
...
...