The cold bites my face, the wind softly whines,
I'm standing in this place, needing your lips to warm mine,
my head starts to race, battling thoughts I've left behind,
soon I'm gone without a trace, lost in my own forehead's lines

The clouds, they are glowing-
a delicate blue,
it's funny how this beauty-
makes me think of you,
it's funny when I think about-
how I thought I was through,
then your blue eyes captured mine-
and my heart could feel anew

The cold, airless moon, a lone, single soul-
feels how I feel, back with the only friend I know-
heals how I heal, the craters slowly change in time,
but unlike me, I'm ugly, the moonlight is divine

The clouds, they are sinking-
down to mother earth,
they embrace me while I'm thinking-
of the reason for my birth,
giving me a cloak of night-
to wash away the sound-
of my own thought and what it wrought-
a maelstrom swirling 'round,
a flooding of emotion-
in which I'm sure to drown

But the moonlight, it brings me-
a small peace with myself-
a short cease fire in the war I deplore-
of me versus no one else,
a peace I haven't felt since you-
smiled for me all by yourself,
a feeling I haven't felt since you-
enlightened me with your touch,
and even though you don't love me-
I miss you very much...

Oh! The moonlight! The moonlight!
It arouses such a passion,
the will to live lingers on-
awaiting to take action,
waiting for my moonlit heart-
to take in your reaction,
waiting for the moonlight-
to cast its unearthly glow,
waiting for the moonlight,
the only friend it knows...

Now, I'll leave with this,
I'll say how much I love you-
with or without your kiss-
and the moon that sleeps above too,
because its dark, forlorn, and lonely kiss-
makes me feel closer to you,
and my only regret is simply this-
us being apart is all too true

You're mostly always on my mind-
the apple of my moonlit eye,
where my happier sad thoughts try-
to keep my soul from saying goodbye-
to this body, this life, the struggle and strife-
to cushion my mind, to shield from the knife-
stabbing at my heart, with their soft yet strong lies,
I gaze at the moon, breathe slowly and sigh,
the urge to say goodbye might rest but won't die

I wish I could see your moonlit face-
from this dark yet cozy place,
maybe if we could have a taste-

of love-

this life won't be a waste...

Oh, moonlight! Oh, moonlight!
Don't leave with the sun, stay with me and fight!
Why must we be done? Defeated 'til night
Leaving me with no one... will today be alright?
Leaving me...
with no one...
don't think the day'll be right...

I am the Consumer
Not one of goods, not one of gold
Nor one of flesh and blood, but souls
I drink fear like water, engorge sorrow whole
We’ll see who’s the stronger one when that bell tolls
I betray Trust, blood splatters to rust
Beauty's a thing you call cinders and dust
I’ll build my shrine with hatred and time
Still alive in the muck, your spirit is mine


And I will eat until I’m complete
A satiated unstoppable beast
You do the math, there’s no going back-
To this world that we love once I’m on the attack
Money, my brainchild, nations, my stars-
In our fun little system of bites, wounds and scars
The borders they draw, like a hunter declawed-
Let me pacify them while they hem and they haw
Wealth’s worth more than life, how very sad
Death is encroaching, this earth has gone mad
And I am its true god, inside all of you
Division and pride, I am nothing new
Most fail to realize my myriad forms
Skin pigments, religions, when torment’s the norm
Strings for my show, your weak human traits-
Are the vectors of my blight while I sit and wait


I don’t want extinction, I’m full of love
I want global completion, I'm the eye above-
Pyramids of dead bodies and blank staring heads
The ideas behind them, they keep me well fed
No, I don't want death, my pleasure's your pain-
I'm insidious in dark parts of your brain-
Empathy is the whetstone, savage my blade
I am the tragedy where peace could have been made-
But the will of proud men wont let your hearts accrete
I am greed, but not greedy, I'm just trying to eat


This vision, my foe, I don't want you to think-
Apathy helps me forge my chain of endless links-
That will constrict this world till the fire or ice
Your whimpering fades while I steal paradise
Drugged minds that yet live drown in my river Lethe-
Dare to resist, you'll be crushed underneath me
But I'll keep you alive by a single hair's breadth
While poor dogs in the streets gnaw on themselves to death
And no, I'm not evil, there are worse than I-
My tools sold me this world as they watched children die
They’re the malicious, they gave their hearts to me
Counting the coins in which they put their beliefs
It could be anyone who thinks they are blessed
Because you're all the same, I have you fooled
Your children will be next
For I will eat
And eat
And eat

We walked together one day in a chilly October-
through the woods, I recall this moment over and over,
I remember how the temperature was nearly freezing,
I remember how we were warmed by each others breathing

You enjoyed nearly every aspect about this place,
the smell, the sound, they brought that smile to your face,
that smile, the fire that made me feel so warm,
I wanted to do everything I could to keep it from harm

You fancied the trees especially,
I loved them too, I wrapped you in me,
I loved the isolation, we were free from intrusion,
only the sun penetrated the trees creating our illusion

The trees were as orange as the sun that set them aflame,
the sort of beauty so captivating, it remained unnamed,
as orange as the horizon behind the dark mountains-
the heated heavens, hot as the molten emotions born from the fountains-
of the orange flames that burned so deeply they scorched our hearts-
with the unstoppable orange fire that only you can start-
the orange flames burned so clearly envisioned in my brain-
the flames the same orange that feels so far away...

The warming orange sun left, bade me goodbye,
removing its welcome presence from the darkening sky,
you were gone, you were never there, my heart grew insanely sore,
the illusion of having someone here with me shattered once more...

The forest fire inside burned out and left me to myself,
it burned out my insides and left me an empty shell,
I'm so cold and alone and too afraid to go home,
I feel so old, I'm being shown how Ive lived all on my own

This horrible loneliness I cant understand or command-
that it leave me at once and remove its heavy hand-
from off of my chest, from gripping my heavy heart,
but it wont, watching me struggle not to tear my hopes apart

The flames were as orange as the hell of my life,
the sort of beauty I imagined in my imaginary wife,
as hot as the lake of fire where the Devil sits
watching my struggles, licking its blackened lips,
as orange as the fire that cant warm my heart,
as hot as the flames that no one will ever start,
as orange as the iron demons stab into my brain-
at memories like the illusion that are just too far away...

walk in the dark
down a silent street
streetlights are glaring pale orange suns
casting everything in their hateful hue
and it feels like the stones of the sidewalk
are all unwritten tombstones
and you can hear the dead
rolling around
and moaning
in despair
the cars roaring in the distance
sound as if the gates of hell had opened and
satan's army is chasing you
there is malice in the air
and you are more afraid than you've ever been in your whole life
you're sure that
your heart is
about to
flat
li
ne
...e
.....e
...e
.e
e
.e
...e
......e
..........e
.­.......e
.....e
..e
.e
e
e
e
.
.
.
.
.
.
you will never be safe again when
the halloween pumpkins on your porch sneer like
demons knowing your demise
and you have to be quiet or they'll
hear you
oh god, they'll
hear you
the houses across the street conceal monsters, malefactors
a few satanic sacrificial torture cults,
some serial killers/rapists, the general psychopaths, or
maybe even slenderman himself
everyone knows that killers are quiet
so be absolutely silent
or they will
surely
hear
youu
......u
.....u
.....u
....u
....u
.
.
.
.
y­ou should have stayed inside
now you can’t find your happy place
just a place where people can’t stop sweating
and their hearts are in the backs of their throats
. b
...e
...a
.....t
....i
....n
...g
oh god, they'll
hear you
you are breathing way too loudly
and coughing up a trail of blood
for the hounds of hell
to follow
wearing a choker of jingling fear
each step echoes like the dying breath of a bad memory
motion sensor spotlights screech on and off like flickering banshees
and the leaves blowing down the road sound
like the marching of the god of death coming to
get you, oh god he
heard you
and suddenly the street is flooded with your worst fear
everyone heard you
coughing out
your hopes
and d
.......r
........e
......a
.........m
........s
.
.
.
.
.
the only thing worse than things seeming to move
by
too
fast is when things suddenly
sit
t
….o
…….…o
……………..o
………………….…o
……………………..……...o
………­……………………………..o
....………………………………...……….….o
. s :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::­:::
……..t :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
………­……i ::::::::::::::::
……………………..l :::::::::::::::::::::::::::
………………………………….l::::::::::::::::­:
…………………………………………………..l (i can see the shadow of time)
and you are a spider, dead in the web, torn
apart by little bugs

There's a man in my head
He speaks to me in silence and in dreams
What he is, I do not know
But it doesn’t really matter

In the silence, he asks me
“What do you hear?”
I hear the hissing of the sand
Falling through the proverbial hourglass
Like a vaporous snake sifting through the silt
On the banks of an endless river
Like snowflake after snowflake
Caressing the ground with winter’s edifice of ice
Until everything is locked away, buried and frozen
I hear the ringing vibrations of subatomic particles
Ascending to crescendos and sinking
Into gentle diminuendos as electrons are exchanged
I hear the Earth trading momentum with the moon
As they rotate and revolve through the vacuum of the Universe
In a continuous gift before forever falling away
And leaving nothing behind but an empty ecliptic

“Doesn’t it hurt?”
“It hurts like hell.”
“How do you deal with it?”
“Sometimes I cant. Sometimes all I want to do is sleep.”

And in my dreams he asks
“What do you see?”
I see a cell growing and dividing
Into all the people that I know
I see their blood vessels transmuting into trees
And their arms folding into wings that
Carry them to heaven while stone shifts like water
Beneath them and the seas go dark
I see the Earth condensing out of asteroids
And being swallowed by the Sun
I watch inertia carry light and color along the tail of a comet
And into clouds of gas and dust that swirl in the vacuum
Of the Universe, like the stars of a galaxy
Crumbling into a black hole, down the drain of gravity
That bends superclusters into the blood vessels
Of a human eye, I see nothing and everything
I see life and death and the profound mystery of existence
Most of all, I see myself

“Does it scare you?”
“It’s ******* terrifying.”
“How do you cope?”
“Sometimes I cant. Sometimes all I want to do is die.”
“So why don’t you?”
“Because sometimes it’s so beautiful.”

And in my nightmares he asks me
“Why don’t you just end it all?”
“Because I’m afraid.”
“Don’t you want the suffering to be over?”
“I’m not so sure it will be.”

The only thing I know of death is the absence of life
Just like darkness is the absence of light
And I can’t fathom what that nothingness is
I can’t comprehend the absence of life

“Well, do you have a soul?”

Is all that I am a murmur of electricity?
A chemical reaction inside of some adipose?
Is there nothing in the darkness of my pupil
Or is there only the absence of light?
Is all that I am just a sequence of nucleotides
Transcripted and translated, again and again
For no reason other than the absence of chaos?
If that’s all that life is then how can there be peace in death?
Or is there only nothing?
The only thing I understand
Is that there's something more
That I can't understand

"Well, do you?"
“I don’t know.”
“Then what am I?”
“Something that exists in dreams.”
“Then what’s in a dream?”
“I don’t know, please go away.”
“I can’t go away. I will never go away.”

There’s a man in my head
He speaks to me in hatred and in bliss
And I don’t know who he is
Or if he even is
But he lives in the pit of my stomach
He lives in between the wrinkles around my eyes
And he is oh so curious about things that we aren’t meant to know
And he will never go away
But it doesn’t really matter

It's been raining since I woke up at 2:30 in the afternoon
I can hear it throughout this empty house, in this empty room
I've been here all day, it's 3:53(AM) now
Literally all day, and I'm thinking "wow…"
The only person I've seen at all today was my mother
Well, Mrs. Internet, at least we have each other

I can't even find a job
I have nothing to do with myself
I didn't take a shower this morning
And I must've masturbated like 5 hundred times
My mouth is fuzzy and I only taste sour
I feel like a piece of subhuman slime
Wearing red sweats and a ***** tank top
Still having crust under my eyes from when I woke up
It's a good thing I guess, lack of human interaction
I'm like a corpse in a chair, just less attraction
And my friends are all busy so we can't get together
I couldn't even go outside to enjoy sunny weather

Thank God for my pets, and you, Internet

Only two people chatted with me..... briefly
There's a fine line between insanity and imagination
Same thing goes for boredom and relaxation
When I count a day in facebook notifications
So, I'm kinda depressed, goodbye motivation
I'm a complete failure concerning human relations
I need some elation to ease this frustration
Something other than even more *******
Like a car filled with babes and a freeing sensation
Or a trek through the woods and across the nation
Devoid of people who sympathize with my situation
Which is long overdue for complete termination
Of this trepidation moving towards desperation
As I'm slowly coming to the awful realization
That I'm a complete loser… congratulations
I can't even write a poem worth your admiration
So I guess you won't save me from this isolation

Even Runescape is boring me to tears
Please, Ms. Internet, that's the worst of my fears
That even you'll abandon me, don't drop me off here
In this empty house, back in this empty room
Which is becoming more and more like a tomb
Because I'm feeling more and more like I'm dead
Are your viruses viruses? Have they actually spread?
Out of your motherboard and into my head

I'm blacking out and losing long lapses of time
I think I'm out, time to end this troubled rhyme
But you know I'll still be here, dead eyes on blue screens
Mouth as sour as before, clothes still unclean
Browsing through pictures of strangers and what they have to show
Not being able to tell if time is moving too fast or too slow
Headaches have grown, are growing, and they'll grow, grow, and grow
And I'm ******* again, just thought you should know

I'll finish off a couple more cups of cold coffee
Thanking Ms. Internet that the reader can't see me

No more Midnight, Midnight's dead
Earth's illness came and hit her head
Did she even know how hard she bled?
Could she even see the red?

Oh, Midnight, now your eyes are closed
Your ignorance even more exposed
And now you'll always be composed
Your heart - those gorgeous eyes - enclosed

But your eyes will never be so bright
Your pupils won't dilate in the light
You'll never see another sight
You'll never ever walk the night

Who's affection now will seem-
to keep me peaceful while I dream?
In sleep's embrace, will I stay clean?
With no embrace, her eyes unseen

Midnight, Midnight, rest's in peace
I miss her eyes, her heart has ceased
Her blank stare is now deceased
Her fragile body, now released

Now Midnight won't be bugged by time
She has no tears, she can't see mine
Now she's with the moon, enshrined
She never understood this rhyme...

You are the curve of the earth
As it fades into the heavens
The golden sunlight
Spilling over the canopy of the forest
And in your rolling hills, hollows and cliffs
I will find myself

Your eyes
They are the reflection of the sky
On the rippling surface of the river
The gray blue of the stones
Underneath the waterfall
The silver lining in between
Every tuft of cotton clouds
Glowing in the sunset
I will follow the beating of your heart
Like I follow every bend of the Delaware
Until I reach the sea

I hear your laughter
In the breathing of the wind
In chimes and in church bells
In the pounding of the water
As it roars across the mountainside

I love you
Like a tiny bird loves every crevice
Of a tree that grows from a sheer rock face
Like an eagle loves the freedom of the air
Like the moon loves the earth and the earth loves the sun
Like the universe loves the nothingness
The emptiness
The silence
For every once in a long, long while
That nothing becomes something
And that's what makes it beautiful

You are the tree growing
Out of the unforgiving stone
You are the warmth of a sunrise
Slipping over the cold, lonely world
You are the clouds that peer from up high
Deep down into the valleys
You are the waterfall
That pours itself into the river

You are the something
That sometimes comes out of nothing
You are everything and more
I'm sorry, these words don't do you justice
But you are the force behind them
That makes them beautiful

I love you

They say it's easy
If something's missing, explore
There's a whole, wide world
You'll find your "something more"

But I'm no Magellan
And Columbus was a *****
They crossed whole oceans
And never found it

I’m always picking up on the vibes that I don’t like
Get that feeling in my stomach that says something’s not right
It’s oh so very awkward and I don’t know what to say
There’s nothing I can do is there? **** this, I’m not okay

I’m dealing with disappointment; seems to me I deal too much
And I’m fighting back the sorrow, but I can’t hit hard enough
I just shrug my broken shoulders, then lie down and go to sleep
While the pain stabs me again, through flesh and bone so deep

I guess I just can't be your Darcy, you poor Elizabeth
Cause I’m not in your heart, see? Guess I've got nothing left
So I’ll leave you to your books and I’ll leave without my soul
I swear I’ll never read again if you want me to go

I guess I couldn't show you how warm I would've made your bed
I guess I couldn't hold you, write a poem you should’ve read
You thought libraries were quiet? Out in space, silence is bolder
And you thought you were cold? Well, I was ready, space is colder

I guess you never wanted to see the only star-
That I’ll ever reach, the others are too far
And you never wanted to share in each others lives
So guess I’ll just sit here, reaching for the sky

You’ll be in your library; I’ll be out ******* up
You could reach the sky, baby, but I never had good luck
You shouldn't ever be afraid and I just don’t give a ****
You’ll be the one in books one day, I’ll be another broken man

It makes me feel so numb, the fact it’s really all the same
This time was just like all the others, you just had another name
And it makes me feel so sick; it’s ******* hopeless isn't it?
Guess I’ll have to deal till I can get drunk and just forget

And in my lonesome dreams you’ll be my angel on the moon
I wasn't good enough for you, or to walk on Martian dunes
So I'll just drown myself in rocket fuel and you get to be the flame
No, don't look at it like suicide, it's my 15 minute fame...

Long time no see, Grandpa; I'm coming to chat
Though it has been a while since I’ve done even that
Grandma’s here too in some form, relief for which we yearn
To the dead I’m no wiser, but I have a few lessons learned


To say I still know nothing would make you right, yes
Belief’s bound by faith, at end times just a guess
I’ve climbed very few mountains, but I’ve seen from great heights
I know for there to be darkness, there must be some light
My same life’s inching forward, but the weather has changed
I want you both to breathe deeply, it’s been trying to rain
I have a story of sunburn; wish I knew if it's the way
It's always been cause I’m anxious, will we be okay?


I’ve learned that most people can’t see past their own lives
And some do call this living; more like plight to survive
We’re not that far from the ocean, yet the reservoir’s running low
While I'm content with sweaty boredom, walled in like Jericho
My story about sunburn; I went home, saw old friends
We had our reminiscence, too soon that time ends
I went into his house, my skin singed in the AC
I'm twenty three, only burned twice, today was too strong for me
Now I’m reddened from two hours of solar intensity
Then he laughed and lifted his shirt to show me his body
Said he fell asleep while outside, woke up in flames
But the worst were the blisters, felt he’d been maimed
And couldn't move, just sit and will it away
It’s never been that bad all his life, but it rained yesterday


Then we talked about weather, technically living in drought
So the news has told me, something I could do without
And from that conversation, I’ve fostered an idea
This was abnormal, drained, choking dyspnea
From simply being exposed to just moments of sunlight
That lesson I’ve learned concerning short human sight
This year one of strangeness, the layman seems blind
To the problems we face; to those who lack peace of mind
Such as myself and some others, it’s painfully obvious
And we've yet to change, selective ignorance, the true bliss
For I’ve thought a lot on god, cursed him on hands and knees
To potential deaf ears, could be no one but me
And sometimes I applaud, if he’s just watching, twisted, bored
Maybe I have it backwards, and suffering’s the reward
But from my experience, hate and pain, sorrow, strife
Also age much too quickly; cruelty, greed becomes trite
If our souls are the same, this much I do know
That those with bitter hearts are the ones most alone
So if at first there was nothing but the empty and him
That would be pure peace, why even let pain begin?


So if god is there he may possess a heart somewhat like mine
He must, the world loves to rain, plants live off of sunshine
It’d be a waste to make things grow; it takes effort, what’s the point
If you’re to be alone regardless, is oblivion a viewpoint?
No, I think there must be a purpose for me to feel like this
The fluke of life itself's a miracle, how can my heart not exist?
It can’t be for nothing, we plant seeds cause we love
To watch things grow and enjoy fruit, the same must hold true above
Our physical perspective, a perception so finite
In the one song, the universe, our lone note’s a delight
Because there is beauty, I’ve loved, made true friends
To believe it turns to mere ashes, that there is nothing depends
On the idea you aren’t here at all, yet thought itself is disproof
Even though I’ve lived a little more, to the dead I’m still aloof
And of course I have my problems, my mistakes and regrets
But if there was no greater purpose, I wouldn’t care for sunsets


Back to my story of sunburn, this chilling concept
Brought me to tears, sky tries to rain, won’t be let
By the vicious spiral that we’ve nudged down this path
It becomes the tale of mother earth and simple math
By which I mean logic, there was mother earth whom god loved
And it was requited, delighted, life sprang forth thereof
And the earth loved her creatures, and most loved her back
While the rest just pretended, the most sophomoric act
Even more foolish, pain went along with their plan
More problems to be solved and the swollen demand
To be distracted in comfort, submerged deeper in blood
But be afraid of earth’s landslides, her petulant mud
Yes, storms are coming, but we have been warned
And if we can understand it, it can’t do any harm
Insane are the ones who think they control
Her weather and our minds, or that eternal soul
They say to fear flooding and fires, tsunami
Climate change and extremists, then want you to be
Subservient to a class above its own hypocrite laws
While the media has our focus in its malodorous maw
While we toil in clockwork and they hoard this world’s wealth
In this twisted game, for now I at least have my health
The old sun used to be comfort, but now it is haunting
The lack of storms that are coming is now just as daunting
Mother earth, she still loves us, thinks we can be saved
While we poison and take till she’s conclusively drained


Luckily for her, she can heal, for us it shall be too late
And now all of her creatures would share the same fate
The thought prods tears through ducts, finally out of my eyes
As it rains putrid water out of hideous skies
And they’ll burrow deeper into abysmal caves
Ignoring destruction, tornadoes, the giant waves
That wash it all away; flush us all down the drain
At least it would happen quickly, be a little less pain
Skeletons sunk to bottom and condensed by sea pressure
The storms would be mercy, not that radiant thresher
That will give us all cancer, that impatient sun
Leaks through our cells to mutate, and you know that no one
Can win here, if you’re exposed too long you’ll be doomed
In sickness and misery, seared in that gleaming gloom
The only solution at this point would be run and hide
Forget the sky and the surface, about ozone they lied
While for us, fear and greed, you know won’t leave space
They'll call themselves lucky, lock the hatch in our face
For they’ll never change, so you know they’ll run out
Crushed by earthquakes or each other, till the last death's about
And once the weather is gone, after the brightness and heat
Strips all air away, earth once more waits to meet
And feel that god brush upon her tear stained cheek


What if earth loved us so much and that made it her bane?
Let us destroy her while she was just trying to rain

It’s late and I’m alone again
I’ll try to write a poem again
But I don’t know how successful you’re going to be
It’s up to me to breathe the life into your heart,
My little friend

So I’ll tell you how I spent my day
Because you’ll hear the things I say
While all of my peers are far away

I played tag with spiders on the floor
As cobwebs above my attic door
Drifted in a breeze that came from nowhere I could see
Floated in the breath of some being I couldn’t see

When the arachnid came too close
To the shadows that encroached
My thoughts turned towards the sighing ghost
And Halloween came 7 months too early
In my fog filled head

So I’ll give an October air about you
Purely for the sake of being un-seasonal
Written in the spring when you should be written in the fall

Who sees orange leaves in almost April?
Who else smells evil in the air?
Who can feel the whispering maple
Playing with your windswept hair?
Can you see the goblin sleeping in its secret lair,
My little friend?

That’s the place where I wanna be
Out in the open with the trees
So I can let my soul run free
With my imagination in its grasp

Instead I’m still here in this room
Air smelling like a different doom
Cut off from the grinning moon
A prisoner in this painted womb

But outside is unseasonably cold
This winter weather is too old
The frost outside is far too bold
And I can’t lie, I am distressed,
My little friend

Distressed is better than depressed
Too bad today I’m both I guess
Because I’m too alone at best
Angry and obsessed at worst
For simply someone to converse
And share the thoughts I have rehearsed
But I’m left within the dust to brood and thirst,
My little friend

I feel abandoned and annoyed
At how easy I am to avoid
Like a fool, a ******* toy
I’m feeling cruel,
My little friend

I can’t keep waiting for warm weather
It’s been coming for a month too long
And the place where I’ll feel better
Will only make me feel more wrong
With plants still dead and freezing soil
With no birds to give it song

So I’ll keep you close at heart
And keep waiting to be happier
And waiting on that smile I lost somewhere along the way

Today you’re my piece of Halloween
You’re a fragile memory
You’re a grinning, growling, gleaming jack-o-lantern
I carved out of nothing with my voice
And etched into the computer screen

I tried to breathe the life of another season
From this spring air and into you
But I think I failed somewhere along the way today
And let you down just like my friends have done to me
So the least that I can do is nothing, but I will thank you
And wish you were a human being
Instead a poem just listening

I experienced a miracle tonight
You'd probably laugh
If I tell you exactly what I mean by miracle so I wont
But I found it, alone and forgotten
In the corner of the room

I say miracle because it came to me
In my time of need, sleep wouldn't come
I was up thinking of what I should've said
What I could possibly say to you tomorrow
Trying in vain to lose this desperate feeling
So scoff as you might, a miracle
Happened here tonight, a gift
From the **** gods

I know, I know, it was just a gift
From one of my stoner friends
But it was a everything to me, so
I went to my room, put on some music
And prepared to write you this
To somehow help me say what I need to say
And when my phone sang of death
As I so often like to do, I saw your face
And I was terrified

You made me feel something I haven't felt in ages

I hate spending time worrying about what-ifs
I try to focus on only what I know
What if I left the stove on and the house burnt down?
What if I just can't pay my bills and have to live with my parents?
What if Christians are right about God and I'm going to Hell?
What if somewhere it rained apple juice and chocolate covered raisins?
You get it, the list goes on forever

But... what if you loved me
What then?
I believe in a lot of things
People meet for a reason
Rarely yeah, but sometimes
And I haven't figured out
If I met you for a reason yet
So for that instant
As I considered myself at the end of things
Instead of being at peace
I was absolutely petrified
Of never finding out

What if I loved you?
What if you were the final piece of this puzzle?
Like I said, I believe in a lot of things
Miracles being one of them
Yeah, it may be a shallow excuse for a so called act of God
But look, it helped this all come pouring out
It made me think of you

If only I had a machine or crystal ball
Or an app on this stupid smart phone
To show me all of the ******* possibilities...
Scratch that, I already know
It'd probably show you in my arms
As we rest in the shade of a blossoming cherry tree
Show me sleeping with my ear over your heart
Soothed by the symphony of the blood in your veins
Show us everything we've ever hoped to find
And if the weight of my own loneliness
Fails to grind my backbone into dust
It will be a miracle

Oh, miracles...
Life is the biggest one that I know of
Our existence itself the greatest gift of all
It's sad how it's usually only appreciated
In the face of its own ending
Or in the faces of the ones
Who flash before your eyes in that moment
Like yours, and I don't even know you yet
Who's to say that I ever will
So what the **** does this mean?

Now I can't help but ask myself
Do I really believe in all that ******* I say?
That death is not an abyss, I am the Universe
So even if I was truly dying, take comfort
Embrace it, all life must end someday
And when my time is up, I will finally know you
As if I always have, as if we were
Never apart in the first place

Now those ******* questions
That can't be answered
Have me staying up to ask
The moon, the stars
In vain

What if there is only darkness after death?
What if this life is my only chance to know love?
What if all the nights such as this mean nothing at all?

The worst part of this whole thing is
That I might never find out.

during these few short months,
i have done things i never even thought of,
or could even see myself doing

for example, one weekend,
back home from college, i had learned that
my parents took a local newspaper
delivery job

the job consists of:
picking up the papers
organizing the things for the most efficient route
and driving around very late at night when no one else is awake to deliver them
we fill those newspaper racks that i didn't even know still existed
other than that, we rarely have to get out of the car
it's kinda neat

i'm a paper boy

one night, my dad and i took the papers out a 4 in the morning
after just staying awake and watching television in the living room
and we haven't been on good terms for about the last year of my life
not talking very much, just being quiet, alone,
and listening to country music on the radio,
we drove through my childhood town
where i grew up and where he hates
where we both hate
where we're both
just tired

it was like it was abandoned
we only saw three cars the whole trip
in a town that has a bit of a traffic problem

it felt like everyone was dead
it felt like everyone had vanished
or had run away from some cataclysmic event
but forgot to tell us

and time felt so slow
then, he complimented my driving

then, i just wished i could've
told him that i love him
what's wrong
with me?

Here I am again, another message to a world
That never wrote to me, so I sit with fingers curled
Around this pen, remembering when it used to be so easy
But life is change, I’ve learned, it’s strange
I think love poems are so cheesy, but this is one, I've met someone and, uh…  
Now my words are freezing  

Cause she’s gorgeous, but I can’t describe the things she makes me feel and
She’s so cool, but words won’t imbibe the meanings, make this real
Cause I can’t see her intentions, to be fair, she can’t see mine
Another thing I’m learning is to take what we call time
And just sit down, breathe, relax, believe
Something out there's got my back
Because for me, what you'd call love, seems to hit hard and fade fast
Cause I'm the jealous type and Christ, I know I ****** this up before
Oh, if I had just been different, had learned a little more
But that awe inspiring feeling, I simply couldn’t make it last
And I'm so aware of my faults, I swear on all meaning I've amassed
That I've learned enough by now to leave my mistakes in the past  

But once again I feel that tautness in my chest, oh so familiar
And I hate to even indulge these trains of thought
As if there's nothing real here and I'm ******* being played
And she's just some surreptitious oxytocin dealer and
It's all a stupid fantasy and so much wasted effort made  
And to be honest, I am afraid right now, and it makes me feel
Like shutting down and drinking, there's no ******* appeal
In lying up all night and combing through these useless fears
I know I need new ways of coping instead of pouring sweet, sweet beer
Down my throat, but hey, we're all here dying, ***** is just a longer rope
At least I feel slightly less lost and I can ignore what you'd call hope
Because I've seen it surfacing and silly me thought it was clear
But now I'm not so sure again, so I'll just ******* sit right here and  
Try to figure myself out, and now I'm sweating and can't hear
Over the tumult of these words that I know aren't real or even right
And the uproar of these thoughts, it ******* keeps me up all night
But I don't know how to say them, or even if I should
Cause hope keeps building things up, I knew that ****** would
But it reminds me of that feeling you get at the top of a roller coaster
And if you need to hold on to someone, come closer, I’m right here
Forget all those nagging notions, it's much more fun when you’re near  

And this girl, she is so funny, says she wants to learn  
Everything about me, the way my neurons burn to make this human being
That she says is hard to read, well then just let me say this, because I wear my heart on sleeve
If you ever want to know me just speak or read my poems, I’m not hard to figure out
And if you ever want to feel me, there are other uses for a mouth
Our conversations roam from vacuum cleaners to dimensions
Including all else in between, and this ******* ****** tension
But is it even real, I swear it's like the best **** dream that
I've ever had because she's just too **** amazing, too good to really be true and my pessimistic mind
Persists, won't stop insisting there's no way she’s really into you  
So I'll just keep my ******* mouth shut and let that temporal river run
Just enjoy the moment, I'm actually having fun talking about whatever
Just being with this someone and I want it to work out, but my constant apprehension
And this pernicious doubt, I try to trust but just don't know, cant really see what it's about or if she even feels my
Energy when fingers touch her, cause I can't help but think my hands are substitution for another's
So until something shows me I’ll just try not to care too much
Cause I hate being disappointed, close to there or feeling such
But now that conversation, I can't pull out of thin air, especially if the answer is something I don't like and
Life is back to ****** feelings and just drinking Labatt ice and smoking **** till I just ******* nod out and fall asleep
It’s been so long since things seemed clear, so let's see if it will keep
Because I'll be the first one to admit that during struggles I've succumbed to that ****** we call fear, and I'd rather just be numb but
I said I feel it now, it's so ******* ugly and too near
But thankfully I’ve somehow learned to see it from above
And all around, so instead of just being its **** glove, I can actually breathe again, I'm not afraid, because
I now know that even God’s just another person craving love
It just pretends that it's all knowing, but it's just another soul, even if it knows the end, how could it's beginning be controlled?
And even though its awareness may be on a different plane, it’s still a conundrum, it's still looking for the same
Things that we all do and probably feels pretty lame, so I cant help but smile, I cant wait to play this game
And I'm saying game because it should be fun, no pressure, we can walk or run
Or hell, let's skydive for all I care, as long as there's space for me and you, let me be your parachute
Cause God is totally just as confused as I am, sitting here at this bar with someone new
I hope I don’t turn out disappointing, but I don't know what else to do
Because that mystery, it can’t be me
Can't you see that it is you?

And I really just want to tell you advice I give to myself, though
I don’t know if you even want it
Don’t know the things you’ve felt, but I want to learn
Which is the same thing you said to me, I want to intertwine with you and
See how happy we could be, and if I seem hard to read, I just don’t want you to run away
I’m probably just breathing, but I know things will be okay
So don’t you disappear because I’m your friend, together we'll get through
What we call life, and now I see the world did write to me
That letter's you

Waiting in warm rain
Light streaks through humid skies and
Shivers down my skin

Midnight watching, golden-eyed
watching from her raven skies
watching, timeless, as we live and die
watching, sickened, when we lie

We say no when we mean yes,
we deny our own distress,
we make good things a **** mess,
when we ignore our happiness

Midnight, Midnight, eyes so bright,
pupils dilated when there is no light,
she has seen so many sights,
even though she lives in night

Her affection, it does seem,
to keep us peaceful while we dream,
in sleeps embrace, when we are clean,
when we don't have to think a thing

Midnight, Midnight, knows no time,
doesn't count her own tears, let alone mine,
the moon to her is just a floating dime,
she does not (do you?) understand this rhyme...

The Sun shines and the people walk by
While I'm in the shade, sitting
Watching the water ripple and roll
Sea green into the harbor
I feel like I'm watching
God, with its invisible paintbrush
Doing its work, even with the
Filthy city medium

The concrete angles contrasting the fluid water
And the colorful dragon paddle boats
Certainly makes for a nice picture, but
What does this moment mean?
I feel like it should mean
Something

The wind blows and the day grows
Older with each passing moment
The aroma of food is in the air
A pigeon lands near my feet and
Within seconds, three little boys begin
To shout names at it and chase it away
Oh, to be young again

A saxophone player plays here comes the bride
To a gaggle of women, both young and old
And I can't keep my eyes off the *** of this girl
While a performer performs for an impassive crowd
Then he asks for a volunteer
But only a child raises his hand
Oh, to be young again

A *** bums a cigarette off of me, passing thru
While a crazy guy listens to his headphones
And sings out loud to himself
Sounding like autism personified
And maybe he is

I can see the charm

Chrysalis
Ever since I was young, I always loved that word
The way it rolls off the tongue, the way the letters are heard
Just give me a second, I want to say it again

"Chrysssaaaaalllliiissssss..."

And I kissed you, just us two in my room
Watching some show about nature that ended too soon
Yeah, I was distracted, but I learned something new
That butterflies
Can ascend as high as a plane
Still, they migrate to my stomach whenever I hear your name
I don't know what this is, guess I have to call it just friends
Even though I still love you, I can't lie or pretend
That my days aren't punctuated by our time together, I don't want it to end
Can't tell how long I've waited
For the moment you allow me to kiss you again

Chrysalis,
I'm growing more amused by the minute
Maybe I'm mistaking that for confused, I admit it
Before, you were just a fun thing to say
But now, I see you more as an icon for change
Cause my smile relies on how I woke up today
Which side doesn't matter when my bed is empty
While I stare at the space you left vacant
You know there's still plenty of room
On my couch if you wanted to take it
I stay up all night, day dreaming that you occupate it
I still know what I want, I just dont know what to do
I see, I'm not what you need, and that's not something new
So I'll spend my time spinning some kind of cocoon
Oh chrysalis, don't let this be my doom

But nature, you *****, you're ******* amazing
How capable a caterpillar is of just suddenly changing
Of growing wings that take them from the ground to the sky
And I've been inspired to live again, or to at least try
It's harder without you, but I'll be okay in the end
Whether things change, or we don't even stay friends
But my soul can't forget that sublime melody
Whenever you let your energy intertwine and coalesce with mine
And it hurt so **** much, thought you'd disappear in no time
That you would just hate me, but I'm still right here
Still crave to be near you, even if I'm not making you moan
You don't have to change my name to some dumb **** in your phone
But I know it's on me, the fact that I'm all alone
Because I am who I am, and you are who you are
And it is what it is, but I promise I'm never far
So you decide when I'm better, maybe it will be never
Which is my fault again, but I know I'm not the same
As I'm growing around this heart throbbing pain
The very essence of life is the fact that things change
Chemical compounds and how they rearrange
The earth and the moon, the sun and the stars
This whole ******* universe of ours

And I don't care what you say
People change every day, landmasses are moving
The moon is falling away
In the grand scheme of things, sure
I don't even mean a thing, but I still exist, I'm no chrysalis
But if I'm ever missed, then just maybe I can move something within you
Maybe one more day is worth muddling through
Because even if my soul does grow, metamorphosize
Girl, I can't shake these ******* butterflies, I miss you so much
I miss the quiet moments, conversations, the warmth of the rush
When I'd see you in the mornings, the first kiss and touch of the days
That hurt like a limb lost to rot and decay
Just ******* come whatever may, I don't know what more to say
Simply keep on moving, be it closer or away
I'll do my best and just call it fate
Hoping good things come
To those who wait

“It’s been trying to rain.” My Grandfather said to me over the summer
Not even looking at the bright hot blue sky with very few clouds
As if they each were a living thing, capable of trying to do anything at all

A couple days later, it rained for a few dozen hours straight
Y’know, for a long while now, I’ve felt like I’m finally on the path of self-discovery
That I’m mere inches away from self-actualization
Now, I wish that it would finally come

I’ve been relearning most of the things that I thought I knew
Like how to read and write and think and feel
I’m even learning new lessons
Like how to believe
And be strong
And be calm
Hoping to be wise one day
Like my Grandfather

And on the day he died, it rained all night
The world was weeping, its tears
Were frozen and bitter

I don’t know what to say
But I know now that I can feel because
I can point out the sorrow constantly in my chest
I can taste the burning sensation
Bubbling up the back of my throat

I have never felt this way before
I’m trying to be strong
But realization, it comes in waves
We never got to go fishing again
Never got to grow one more garden in the spring

According to mom, grandpa was my first word
And I’ve found myself speaking a lot more softly than average
Like a lone cloud in the desert when it’s trying to rain

I've been staring into the dark every night thinking of nothing
But when I do think, lately I’ve been thinking of, well
It’s hard to explain, but it feels like that self-actualization
It feels like it’s across some vast, empty part of my soul
And through much, much more pain
But it’s waiting for days later
When hopefully I’ll understand life and death
And my spot in between them both

I know nothing of death
That’s why I’ll always love the music that the river makes
That’s why I’ll always love the feeling of dirt under my nails
And the smell of the air when it’s trying to rain
Cause I know that this is life, life is precious
Life is the most beautiful thing in the universe

Two weeks later and the world is crying bitter cold tears again
And I know in my heart I’ll never feel the same warmth
I’ll never be used to this, everything is changed
My eyes are always trying to rain
But I’m learning something important
Hopefully I'll learn what
The lesson is
Soon

Just bite the bullet...
I'll know better than to try
Next time, don't bother

We're like two forces of nature

I am a storm cloud
That covers the sky in black
With fury that will tear apart the face of the Earth
My words are a hurricane screaming in the dark
And my eyes dam a flood that would
Erode the mountains into solute
I am the cold that freezes the ground
That cracks the road into gravel
An eruption that scorches all I touch
The kinetic energy of my soul
Is like the shower of meteors
That bombarded the beginning
Of our world
I am death

And you are the atmosphere
You are the warmth of the sun
The darkness and the moisture of the soil
That cracks open a little seed
So that a flower may face the sun
And wonder how it got so lucky
You are the breath of the ocean
And the smell of the spring
You are a bird singing at dawn
After a long, lonesome night
You are the tingle in the chest
That makes people fall in love
You are the kiss that leads
To wonderful things
You are life

But sadly, you are also pain
And no matter how many cataclyms
Occur over lifetimes
No matter how many extinctions
Happen throughout the aeons
You always find a way through that pain

You are so much stronger than I am
Far more majestic, mysterious, miraculous
Storms come and go without purpose
But life's will to survive is endless, amazing
And here we are, caught
In each other's grasp

I can't wait to whisk you up
Into the air and hold you in warmer winds
While we watch our world
Watch the stormclouds
Moving together
Falling apart
While the life underneath coalesces
Cell by cell, a beautiful algorithm

I can't wait to show you
How serene the eye of the storm can be
Instead of all the ****** little things about myself
Instead of how easily
A storm can destroy something beautiful
I can't wait to touch your face
And wash all your sorrow away
With gentle rains

I always wished that I could just start a poem
I’ll spend hours and hours trying to piece together that first line perfectly
As if it were more important than any of the other ones
Trying to sum up this picture that I’m not even painting because
I’m no ******* artist, and I don’t care that I’m cursing
I’m not an actor rehearsing or really even talented at all
Always wished that I was, but I’m just an earthling
I can’t draw, I can’t sing, I can’t really do much of anything
Every time that I try it just doesn’t feel right and I get so frustrated cause all I have is these words
Words words words words words words words
And what the **** is a word but some letters and a letter’s a shape
I suppose it relates to what that those artists paint when they try to communicate something that there are no words for

You know how the saying goes, earth without art is just “eh”
And I don’t understand that, if art is what they call something that there isn't a word for
Then is art a word? Furthermore, what’s the earth? All I really got a grip on so far is the “eh”
Which is also only a feeling and I just wanted to make something beautiful
But all I have is these words and these abstractions of meaning, am I just ******* dreaming?
Because I feel like my voice isn’t even being heard and I don’t know what I’m saying
And all I have is these letters and pain, but no, that’s not what this is
P-A-I-N
Is NOT what this is
I don’t know what this is, I don’t really know what to say, what series of shapes can possibly convey, inject my thoughts into your brain?
And if I couldn’t be beautiful, at least I’d try to sound smart
But all I have is these words and this ******* heart here on earth
And it still isn’t art, it’s just “eh”

Exaggerated sigh

This heart full of red blood, dead bugs fill up behind these eyes
And I try not to cry because I’m still so frustrated, so ******* frustrated it’s not even the right word
Don’t mention synonyms either cause they’re not correct, I’m a non-believer, they won’t scratch this itch
Grant my wish that if I can’t even sound smart, just don’t be totally crazy, it would amaze me if I even came out to read this
I’m so trapped up in my head, already feel sorta dead so what is this?
Where am i?
Who are you? It’s a lie
They say that “forever” is just up in the sky
But then where is the earth? And here I still try
As if these Fs were my wings and I could finally fly or these Os turned to stones and built me a tower so I could see for myself
Cause seeing is believing, but what if you can’t believe what you see?
Can any of you even really see me? And if you can, what am I? A body? A head? And if blood is red can you recognize me? Can you paint me this picture? Is it a mixture of colors or am I just ******* red? Are we even alive here or something instead?

I’m still trying so hard to reach you right now
Not to hold you or touch you, just to tell you I love you
But that simple word just won't ******* fit, it's shorter than planet, which is another name for what they call the whole earth, which is not five or six letters and love is not four, but now those are numbers, I can't do anymore
The answers get too convoluted to see
L-O-V-E?
What the **** does that even mean?
L-O-N-LEY just seems like a better fit to me
And I’m still trying to stay, not get off this earth quickly till I have my say... Ha
You *******
You tricked me
Cause the floor is now mine and I know you all know that there's really no rhyme or any amount of ******* ******* time that can explain this, this
“Feeling”
I’m still trying to tell you about
But this poem has no meaning
It’s ******* gibberish

months after my surgery i caved in
and finally went to physical therapy
i didn't think i needed it

and all i can remember
about that quiet little room
is getting turned on by that old lady
as she massaged my broken hand
with lotion and everything

Sometimes, I feel like a ghost
Surrounded by people and silently brooding
Between two worlds, trapped like a rat
In a prison of endless sky, horizons encroaching
And closing in, curling into the helical
Bars of my spherical cage
I am the movement in the shadows
Of your soul, only the lost hear
My meaningless whispers and with
Each passing moment, my virulence grows
There is no light, no darkness, only
Shades of each other, blood and bone
Blending together to form the palette of
Your insides, but you see right through me
I am transparent and colorless and simple
In a life so complex and opaque, I aspire to simply
Fade away, to evaporate into nothing
To become residual, like the static
In the background of the infinite heavens
That has always been there

Here I am again, first poem in x amount of days
3:13 in the morning, street lights are dull orange rays
Feeling the inspiration I've lost for the longest time
Surprised I actually got this far without messing up the rhyme

I am sad, alone
So tired, unknown
To the new people all around me
In this new and empty place

Faceless foes have bound me to the lonely human race

Sitting at a bus stop, a can of duster at my side
This storm that slowly rages must be a billion miles wide
But even when it passes my anger will not subside
These torrential raindrops ain't got **** on my insides

I miss my home, my lover
my father, my mother

I have friends who are frankly not there for each other
Screams that no pillow or pistol will smother
No way out, or at least not one I can discover

So here I am, 3:43, chain smoking my cigars
Listening to the storm pounding on the thin hood of my car
Playing with lighters and knives while the sorrow survives
Writing this while waiting for a dull sun that won't rise

I want my old, comfy bed
A few people dead
The few hopes that one day my few words will be read
My hate to be filled
By a few knives running red
A fire, an earthquake
Things a few people dread

Because of the few faceless foes in my head

I don't want to be myself right now, I want to die
But I don't, I get scared, so deep down that's a lie
But I can't get it out, can't shout or even cry
Just smoke, huff more duster, watch the lightning lit sky

When you **** yourself up just so you can pass out
You'll truly know the desperation that I'm all about
So I'll just chill in my room with my few faceless friends
With brain cells to **** before the world will end

Lately I've been stating the obvious
Textbook cop outs of conversation
Clearly "it is what it is," but if I asked "how are you?"
And you say that you've had better days
"It is what it is," is not valuable input
"Brilliant observation, Mr. Holmes"
Or as I prefer to say, no ****, sherlock
You'll either stand there or walk away
And in near perfect silence the clock will tick tock
Time and regret moving in rivulets that make up the day
Words flow from my mouth and into the bay of awkward
Silences and "keep your chin up"s
Let me you ask you, when was that ever enough?
Clearly I'm still above water, trying not to sink
But I can't even use my brain hard enough to think of a response other than
"It is what it is"

Because I wish it was what it isn't
And that I didn't have this dirt in my eyes
Cause it rolls down my nose and it's grown quite annoying
See, we were on a journey to the ocean
But devotion also drips down, down
Like condensation on the side of a glass of water left out in the sun
I kept on toying with this sharp tongue just to end up slashing our tires and sails
I never cease nor fail to amaze myself with my expertise on sabotage
This feeling can be no mere mirage considering how much it hurts
I made this bed out of dirt and also have nothing else to eat
Stranded in this desert heat of my own insecurity
I ****** up so thoroughly you'd think I did this on purpose
There's no such thing as above while you're under the surface
It is what it is? No, it's not what it's not
I used to mean a lot to her, till one day I just didn't
Now the better days are hidden over mountains that are seeming farther away than they ever have before
Because no more can I look in her eyes and call those deep oceans mine, full of treasures I will never know
I couldn't hold on, and that's how she goes

Honestly, it's strange how serene I've been lately
And something seems gravely odd about this scene
I see this canyon in dreams and think it's amazing
The relativity of it all, it takes rivers and glaciers eons
To carve out their existence on nature, but I built something even more beautiful inside of my mind in the blink of an eye
A mere hiccup compared to the amount of time that it takes in order to create and behold the majesty of something so grand
And yet it's so hard to believe that what I tried to make last was so utterly temporary
Honestly, it's pretty scary when you lose someone so quickly you feel like you never had a place or even mean anything
I still want forever, but can't even make it till spring
So I watch as better times chase their head spaces flowing down
Down
Down
Down the ravines between us, carved out by my jealousy
Yet I still see you and we can only watch the same stars
That must have given us incompatible charts, no we can't navigate like this
So I waste my time and miss you as I lie back and start
Accepting what is, connecting the dots with bored eyes
Trying to trace out some image of god with the sky
Hiding somewhere up there in the unforgiving dark
The one that gave us these incompatible hearts

See, we were once like a river, of course I already forgive her
Though it was my fault we got stranded here, that she doesn't want to be near the wrath of my landslides
Water flows and divides along the path of least resistance after all
As it should, if only I could be as fluid as her
But I am the distance of earth and the meters per second
The matter that beckons every object to fall with its gravity
The bricks in each wall that people build to ignore whatever it is that they can't stand to see
But unlike geological ages, I turn the pages and it saddens me how short our time was and how much you are missed
Like some kind of freak continental drift separated our currents, the very face of this world will never be the same as long as you walk upon it
And trying to carve out your name on my side of this canyon is proving to be impossibly difficult
The very earth shook each time that I smiled and you wouldn't look
I tapped out Morse code with boulders, but too forcefully the wind vibrated her shoulders and hair
My smoke signals were lost in the cold morning air where your absence is most definitely noted
There is no glare on your binoculars, you're not looking my way, but in between the spaces where night turns into day
You're more focused on horizons that I can't see from where I stand
I'm stuck on this side with no feasible plan to escape
Guess I'll just wait in this land that time seems to have lost
To become one more man that you simply forgot
And how could I forget that I know you've got many more things still to do, more important people to love
It is what it is, and it was what it was
But I still see your fire sometimes across the gap that's eroding
The silence between us swells as the ice cap is going from up north and down
Down
Down
Down to the ocean that we were supposed to become
So I'll watch you underneath the indifferent sun as you move along with the current, farther away from where I stay slumped
While I'm aging one million years in a month because I'm like the earth and you're more like the sea
And you should know that even if you never miss me, your motions through space, my hands on your waist, that heartbreaking face
Whatever it was that we were is imprinted in the sediment of my very being, I hope you are happy with the world you're out there seeing
And if you even sometimes think of me then maybe sometimes I'll also be able to sleep through the eons and try to figure this out
But I reserve doubts because nothing will ever hurt more than the truth
I'd rather take a dinosaur tooth to the chest, I'm way too depressed to do anything but survive, yeah I'm still alive
Still stuck here, still useless, tears keep pathetically leaking down
When I think of you, but prophetically speaking
Maybe someday there'll exist a new age, intrepid paleontologist that will be able to sift through and find
On the floor of our ocean, in the muck and the grime
These fossils the snowmelt carried down to the sea
Proof that I love you... and you once loved me

B e a u t y

I have discovered a different meaning of that word
I catch myself
Staring
Sometimes

Like I've never seen a door hinge or a pebble before
They tend to
Catch me
Off guard
Nowadays

These words are so *beautiful when you read them softly
Like I used to
Read your lips
While you
Whispered
In your
Sleep

U g l y

I now know how to define this word
It's the truth that I still
Catch myself
Creeping
On your
Facebook
Page

That I miss you

That I want nothing more
Than to erase everything
You are to me

That I want you

That I hate you for doing this to me
Nothing

Besides make me wonder why
You're still as beautiful as you always were
And I'm more ugly than I've ever been

The ugly truth is that I did this to myself
So I hide it in my new addictions
That only make me cough
Sleep, and feel like ****

And it's beautiful, this nothingness
Everything is read softly, the ground, the trees, the stars
I often catch myself staring at the ceiling or the walls
Like they are masterpieces

And you're beautiful, this nothingness
Catches me
Off guard
Sometimes,

That's when I think
Too *******
*******
Much

I catch myself off guard
And I think of you
While I put the
Writing on
The walls
That don't
Look
Back

" I l o v e y o u . " I write.

If somehow you see it scribbled in the dark above your bed
Or behind the sweaty face of some other, better man
Please just remember
Read it softly
Say it gently

Read it tenderly out loud
As if it still meant a ******* thing

I couldn't bear it if you don't

Can you hear the church bells
Ringing from cloud to golden cloud?
Like vibrant, musical rays of sunlight
Celebrating the miracle that we made it
Through another beautiful day

A friend of mine read my fortune recently
And the card that represented me
Was the Devil, overindulgent in vice and carnal desires
The others mostly had to do with letting go
Of my problems, my burdens for a while

My burdens are hard to let go
But it’s not work or school
That weighs heavy on my aching heart
All of the people in this world
Suffering, starving
Living and dying like rats
In exquisite first world filth
I literally feel a pain
Smoldering in my chest
When I stop to reflect
Which is every
Single
Day

So I had to think
(Carefully now, for the lies we tell ourselves
Introduce us to the Devil)
What is it that tricks me?
What is it that fools me into thinking I need it?
Sure, I like to have fun
But, Christ, I’m no addict

Is it greed? No, I would burn all of my possessions
If there was no other way to stay warm
Maybe lust? No, I’ve been lonely for a while
But I think I’ve come to terms with that
I think deep down in some crevice of my soul or corner of my mind
I always knew there would be no comfort for the Devil
During the cold, wet night...

Even after the bells fade into the air
I stare into the blue abyss
That fades to black upon eternal miles
But the Sun will keep the skies aglow
At least until it goes to hide
Behind cloud upon polluted cloud
And it is far too late
The beautiful days
Are grey, grim
Hopeless

They say the Devil is an abomination
Well, what does that make us when
There are athletes, movie stars, presidents
Lounging in their mansions and their private jets?

Meanwhile most of us struggle to survive
In their ****** up
Putrid system

Meanwhile two headed babies are born in Vietnam
That don’t make it to see the age of six
Victims of Agent Orange

Meanwhile there are children in Africa
That walk for miles to drink from cholera infested streams
Because the company leaves their faucets dry
(Yet there is coca cola everywhere)
So many people that are made to do terrible things
And die terrible deaths

Meanwhile there are people sleeping on our own streets
Living off of trash, struggling even more than most
(And how much food is thrown away daily
For lack of someone to pay for it?)
There are hundreds of thousands of men, women, children
Who have no homes, who can't get warm
During the cold, wet night

The other day on the radio
I heard that Jay-Z or Kanye, whichever one of those vapid, stupid celebrity *****
Spent 600,000 dollars on a ******* rocking horse for their kid
While there are people starving in this world...

WHAT THE **** DOES THAT MAKE THEM
IF NOT AN ABOMINATION?
(More importantly, what does that make me
For liking some of their music?)

It’s just frustrating to feel like you’re the only one
Who cares, who sees
ATROCITIES for what they are
Who is filled with RAGE
At those committing them
I would BURN all of my possessions, no
I would burn myself ALIVE
(Though I'd much rather see them burn)
If only it would change this
And give everyone in the world
A never ending supply
Of beautiful days...

I see it... the Devil is my anger
My fury is what I must let go
To love without the hate
But something must be done
Something's gotta give
Or soon enough, mark my words
No one will ever love again

An autumn breeze tiptoes around me
And gently shakes the tree awake
So it remembers to let go of its many, many burdens
That it may sleep undisturbed
During the cold, wet night

They fall like dead bodies, maybe jealous angels
Twisted, wrinkled, lifeless
The color of earth or burnt flesh
They swing to the ground like snow
And sound like drops of rain
On another beautiful day

The bells are long gone
And now, I’m left to wonder
Is it truly the tree letting them go
Or does wind inspire the leaves to fly
Only to drop them to the floor
And let them decompose among the other dreamers
During the cold, wet night

Too many humans
Destructive ways that won't change
We'll be extinct soon

I'm a white snake
moving against autumn leaves
all of the trauma in the world couldn't keep me down
and I'm gonna fly away

The wet leaves surround me with nature's scent
and the dirt fills my mouth with the gritty taste of life
I love this planet, all that's left of it
when I'm with no one but myself, when I can scream without an audience
I can finally feel free

Free from the stress
anxiety attacks that no animal needs
fear in the form of spontaneous combustion
frustration which leads to-
anger which leads to-
pain
are only shadows on my scales

Surrounded by synthetics, I'm just a worm doomed to crawl on my belly
when I'm a white snake
moving against black asphalt
and I'm not all alone, but in the bad way
the tar stains my skin

But when I return to those autumn leaves, I can wipe away that tar
and I can feel like I'm free again
and all of the trauma in the world couldn't keep me down
and I am all alone, but in the good way
it feels like my scales will throw off their shadows
and turn into feathers
it feels like my bones will break apart
and shape into wings
and I'm gonna fly
I'm gonna fly
I'm gonna fly away

I'll be a white hawk
moving against the clear, clear blue sky
and the wind will wipe away
the frustration which led to-
the anger which led to-
the pain
and no trauma in the world ever even had a ******* hold on me

Waiting for the sun to come
Banish this fog
And vanish the frost
From my shuddering skin
The ice is melting, the sea overflows
The air blows hot and cold, that's something that a lot of people don't understand
Global warming coincides with ice ages
I confide my hate and my hope to adjacent pages
In my manual of how not to be
If I have to burn, I hope the sun swallows me
But the horizon lies and makes promises that it can't keep
And yeah, I feel something moving in the deep
But my world is standing still and
My armor is cracked, retract the knife from my back
Before it corrodes from my acidic soul
The shadows impose upon the earth and
The night, there is no light to go around
I see the ground and the void compromising
I see the sun still isn't rising
And the fog is tenacious, voraciously seeking
Out alveolar spaces in my lungs
If there is a god why does it only help some?
I'm so ******* tired
Just let the end come

Oh, my hearts been ripped apart
way too many times
and, in vain, I try to fix it
with these worthless rhymes

So I'll take whats left of it
and stuff it with insane
sew it together with pain
and patch the holes with shame

I'll never admit to feeling angry
or when I feel a little too alone
even when I'm just completely empty
and I'm lost in my own home

This was never going anywhere
so I'll just ******* run away
away from here, away from her
and from all else I won't say

Because I feel too ******* angry
and I feel completely alone
its even painful to be empty
****** trapped by my own home

Here's another patch of self-pity
and another spool of hate
my needle turned into a syringe
my patchwork heart won't wait

And I don't feel like going anywhere
I'm too tired to go out and play
I'll stay in with my sewing project
and end its painful pulse today

Because my hearts been ripped to shreds
one too many ******* times
now I won't even try and fix it
why should I even try to rhyme?

No, I haven't given up yet
   I'm just really lazy
I won't get up and chase you
   so you leave and I'll go crazy
And I won't lie, I'm depressed
   but, man, you just cant see
How content I am with this-
  my mind at work inside of me

It just isn't like me at all
   to fight for what I want
It's just not in my brain
   glowering and gaunt
I'm tired and I'm lying down
   in a grass field so green
Stretching on forever
   innocent and clean

I never was very optimistic
   but I'm not a pessimist
I just don't know how to be happy
   don't know if it even exists
but I don't know how to give up
   how to lie down and die
I don't know, does it make me tough-
   cause I don't know how to cry

No one out there believes
   and I'll say that I don't either
we all lose our bliss sometimes
   so we're all non believers
I don't believe in myself
   and I don't think I can
but I don't feel sorry
  that's just how I am

You know first loves cut the deepest
   first loves, the ones I miss
First love's the one that trapped me
   that made me feel listless
the first love's always the one-
   that seems like a big deal
yes, the first love always hurts
   but quietly I'll heal

It happens very slowly
   but the burns will scab in time
and eventually they'll fade away
   the scars throughout my mind
and I still won't have a thing to say
   Oh, the silence, how it taunts!
I said it once, I'll say again
   it's just not like me
      to fight
         for what
            I want...

I'm more lonely than I've ever been before
It feels like I'm stuck in the 1st circle
Limbo, purgatory, with other souls
That can never truly know each other

No, it's my own isolation
Coursing single file through my veins
In solitary red blood cells
Seeping through my pores, hanging in the air
Being caught in my aura of perpetual silence
Muffling my words and weighing down my heart

I swear, I'll never sleep at night again
My world is deserted, all doors are closed and locked
While I roam the building alone
Because it's getting too cold outside for me
To go and burn a few more nails into my coffin
So I'll just walk real slow and listen to
My footsteps echo down the stairwell
That leads to nowhere special

The ache behind my eyeballs
The pressure on my chest
The burning in the back of my throat
The wait for a sleep that is too short
For a day that lasts too long and a night
As empty as the rest, just let me be
And I will bury myself in my own little world
Of blankets and bad dreams
Cuddling my tired liver
Snuggling my wheezing lungs
Wishing they were you

I don't know which is worse-
The thought of those deeper circles of my soul
Where I've drowned in the muck of forgetfulness
Where I've been entombed by my hatred, burned by my rage
Frozen up to my neck in mistakes, regrets and traitorous tears
-Or this bare existence, which once included
Every one of you who made me believe
That life is more than this, but
I have seen enough rainbows to know by now
That it is just as cold at the end
And the grass is just as dead
As it is everywhere else

See, I'm the elephant in the room that makes
Everyone uncomfortable, even myself
And still, I wonder what it is that makes
Friends pretend not to notice each other
And walk in opposite directions

They're either against you
Or against you, so I'll just stay
Alone with my fate, until I fade away
Like the pencil on this paper, until I end up
As just a name on a little plastic cup of pills
Or a cross on the side of the road buried in snow
What's one more broken bone
In a world full of broken people?
What's one more unheard voice
In a world full of ******* gunshots?
(as if i even know what I should say)
What's one more polluted river
In a world full of acid rain?
What's one more ****** poem
In a world full of ****** writers?

See, I'm a walking disappointment
They say that death wields a scythe
No, death wields hopelessness and despair
And loneliness, it sits behind my eyelids
And in my brain stem, it catches life in a trap
Like a little bird and clips its wings
So that it may never soar free like it was meant to
And the times I'm feeling happy are just kindly death
Letting me out of my cage for a little while
Before it carves its way into some ancient stone
And buries me in everything
That I have ever feared

If you ever get that feeling of impending doom
That crawling on your skin, that chill down your spine
That's me, cursing my fate
Savaging the ******* world
With my bare and broken hands
I can feel the blood underneath my fingernails
I can taste the sweet marrow on my tongue
If only I had the power, but I am powerless
I am nothing, less than nothing, everything I ever said I hated
The sun will die, the stars will fall to earth
Before I find a deeper hole to lie in
And dissolve, like salt in the blood of a wound
Like a moth burning in the flame of it's own heart
Like one nightmare into another
Until the world ends

Sometimes, I feel like a ghost
Surrounded by people, silently pleading,
"Liberation."
My very movements seem to  s t r e t c h  a c r o s s  t i m e . . . . .
And my voice always  e c h o e s  across      empty      chasms
Nah, I don't really party, I just haunt
I just linger
And no one ever knows
How long I've been there

Chase your dreams, they said
Follow your heart, stay true
To yourself, get in touch
With your soul

Well I've touched it
If it's my soul that I see
Curling out of my nose in smokey tendrils
My dreams run from me
And I'm so very weary
On most days, when all there is is acid
Eating away at my stomach

They always say go find yourself
I've succeeded in that at least

I have sat and
Stared at the sky
Barely breathing
Before forgetting
To breathe
At all

I have stayed up sleepless nights
And countless hours
I have begged for help from the moon
And received none

I tore through my skin
Picked my way in between
Muscle, sinew, arteries and veins
I've examined every shard
Of bone in my body
Until I found it
My soul
Lurking
In my
Marrow

I have clawed my way through
Every thought I've ever had
And finally succeeded

They never say what to do
If you don't like what you find
I don't really care though
I'm just more lonely than
I have ever felt before

Flowing. Freezing. Frozen.
Ice on the Delaware.
Another summer has to come.
Once again, we'll fish there.

Speeding. Slowing. Stopped.
We'll decorate the world.
One or two, no, ten times more.
Before the strings of fate unfurl.

Racing. Running. Rest.
We'll reap what we sowed.
Into the fragrant Mother Earth.
The seeds of life will go.
And you will help this silly child.
Because you always know.

Winning. Losing. Lost.
The sorrow does not soothe.
And right now, I'm that kind of sad.
The kind forbidding you to move.
My soul is burning in my bones.
My skin's surface so smooth.

Sleeping. Dreaming. Dreamt.
The stories told and never told.
The arms will wrap around you.
When you're alone or not alone.
The tears you'll cry when you are young.
Etch out the canyons of the old.
Point to the memories of everything.
That nostalgia has foretold.

Living. Dying. Dead.
Cats and Dogs and Birds.
Carved into your backyard.
Driving by the herds.
Green, green Pennsylvania.
Silent, sad Narrowsburg.
Where water is just glass.
Where the train is seldom heard.
It is vague, vaguer, and vaguest.
While it's taking you away.
Where you must've gone to stay.
To create the land of made up words.
And make tomorrow yesterday.
Because the time is always yours.

Frozen. Freezing. Flowing.
Found and never lost.
Sleeping. Smiling. You are here.
Ice is barely frost.
Shooting. Shooting. Shooting stars.
You will decorate the world.
You'll wish for me. I'll wish for you.
The Earth will always twirl.
And I'll be alone or not alone.
One day, I'll simply be too old.
One day, I will ride that train.
The train that will be just as vague.
But I know that I'll stay young, stay bold.
My stories will be told.

And your arms will wrap around me.
Living. Living. Alive.

What is the truth that you wont avow?
And if it's not what I'm thinking why is my love not allowed?
But you can't ever say never, no matter how-
much I know you want to... so what's wrong with right now?

You know I'll be up all night
you know that I'm not alright
you know the one whom I must fight-
within myself, my heart so tight...

What is with me? I'm a mess
what just hit me? A train wreck?
**** me, I'm stupid, just attack-
My delusions before they all come back

All that I can do is keep pretending-
just to stay sane, I keep your love never ending
within my poor heart, my soul breaking, mind bending-
To the beat of your heart, the pain unrelenting....

I pretend you're my pillow, asleep on my chest
comfortable with me, but I'm just like the rest-
of all of these guys, and you're just the best-
of all of my thoughts, impatient and stressed

I missed you all summer, I miss you right now
but i'm finally slipping, I'm taking a bow
guess I can't help it when my love's not allowed
but i still can't say never... I just don't know how..

This is for your body
From the crown of your head
And back down to the treads of those shoes
That cover those adorable digits
It’s for the way that you fidget when I say
That they’re cute, the way you refute
When I try to compliment something as marvelous
And natural as your body

But this is not about that
It’s about facts and reflexes
Not mental complexes and low self esteems
It’s about the way that I dream, when those toes
Are curling and those smooth legs unfurling to let me inside
I tried and I tried to get that mind open
*** isn’t a sin, it’s just natural, another reflex
Reality check: it doesn’t matter who came before
Because I still adored your hipbones and waist
Oh, and your face, but I’ll get back to that later
I thank whatever creator that you even came into my life
That I even knew you, because dreams do come true
Sometimes, I'd trace lines over your stomach and chest
I could spend days on your breast because time is irrelevant
But for the hell of it, I’ll keep moving along

Was it wrong that I loved the width of frail shoulders?
It was so easy to hold her against my chest and my arms
But I couldn’t keep her from harm
Though I tried and I tried, turns out that I lied
I just hope that she knows this is about more than just ***
More than the love that we made, it’s about the blue shades
Of her veins and how she hates when it rains cause it makes her hair frizzy
The way it smelled made me dizzy, let alone the mind
Underneath that made me feel complete when it would talk to me for hours
It loved meteor showers maybe even more than my own

And I could spend years on her eyes
If each tear that she cried over me was a poison, I would drink them all down
Because that was the real sin, I can’t even begin to explain
My self-induced pain, because those eyes, they used to love me
Used to see something I couldn’t when I swore that I wouldn’t
Let them be alone, that her heart was my home, the blood that roamed
Through her body and the sound that it made was my most beloved
Composition, I would listen when she changed positions, and no
Not in bed, but whenever she scratched her head or stretched out those muscles
Or when they shivered and rustled in the cold
The same cold that I told her I would never let in

But this is not about my sins, It’s about her body

I want to take a step back to those eyes, the light gleaming inside
Of them, it should never have mattered how many men
They shined for before, because I was there and I swore
That I always would be
It’s about the way I would see her happiness glitter
And the way my heart flittered when she bit her lip and smiled
And when her nose crinkled and the skin between wrinkled, yes
I could spend years on her eyes and that brain
Before all of this pain and the fidgets became
Nervous tremors, but my heart still remembers
Before all the fury and that light turned to anger
That she couldn’t cure me and could no longer endure me
And the glowing coals of affection became smothered, yes
We were once lovers, but it was my fault we never once knew each other

We only knew our bodies

And I hope she still knows that *** isn’t a sin
And that she’ll let someone else in
Because that mind deserves more, I hope that heart isn’t sore
If she ever remembers who she thought that I was
Hope it still catches a buzz and it’s about more than just ***
I hope whoever comes next spends decades on those eyes, those beautiful eyes
Placed over that precious nose, I pray that she never cries and that he protects her from every
Drop in the sky
And I hope their blood sings and that their hearts ring
For each other
Man, I just hope that he loves her
And loves that precious mind, I hope her eyes see
What they did once before and her whole body believes
In something more than what she eventually found
Within me

Eventually, everything slows down to a stop
The force of it will flow along, drip and drop
Like a leak from a hose
Or a river that goes dry, the moon
Pulls the tides as it glows in the skies
And since the ocean cant hide
The waters push back in retaliation
The satellite will drift away slowly, and the night
Will be lonely as the waves start to quiet
And the sea will be
Still

See, I have a strong will, but sometimes I'd ****
To posses the power of fixing the mistakes that I've made
Every time I can't sleep, I fall into my head
I keep trying to write as the seconds are bled
From my life in the silence as another heartbeat
The stillness will smother, the longing, it eats
Up my composure, and with each day I'm less sure
Exactly what this is supposed to be

Let me just state
That I refuse to watch you drift away
How can you lay your head on my chest
And believe yourself say that there's nothing here
At the end of these days we still have each other
Whatever that means to you
I don't understand this, what do I need to prove?
How can you think that I don't still love you
Have you even been near me?
When I pull you into my arms and hold you so dearly
Was I really so awful that you won't even try?
How can you be so ready to just say goodbye
Of course, it still aches, each passing day you're not mine
It's worse than a shame, it should be a **** crime
To ruin something so beautiful, more perfect than art
Forget all of my writing, don't need origami, don't start
Telling me what I feel, I still miss you in my heartstrings, because
In my eyes, loving you was the most glorious thing


And now all I can do is pray that tides bring
You back to my beach, but I've been gone for so long
They say that rough waters teach sailors to be strong
And I didn't drown yet, I tread through my regret
Trying to build myself back into someone you can love
No more excuses, just say what you're thinking of
Because I'm still waiting and I still don't believe
That you don't want this, that you don't want me
You say I'm no monster, then where's the high road here?
What can drive you away from this irrational fear?
Why put ourselves through this? The reasons aren't clear
And the future isn't written, it's not meant to be known
There's only right here and now, just know you have a home
In my heart, whatever that's worth, I can understand your doubt
But if you do love me, I hope you figure it out
Before the oceans go quiet and the night sky stays dark
What's the purpose of holding onto these broken hearts?

I am the Corruptor
I know nothing else
And I poison this world
As I poison myself

So here, have another
Hardly legible letter
If a concept could write this
It'd probably do better
Because I am human
And unredeemably flawed
Carbonic acid will build up
As the tundras are thawed
Cause I will **** up my whole life
And break all my bones
To this virus inside me
Nowhere feels like home
Yes, we all should know better
But this is more about me
My sharp tongue and dead eyes
That cant ******* see
Through the smog that is building
To the Sun that taunts me
But the stars aren't above this
Up there, oscillating
Cause the end comes for us all
You'd better believe

I am the Polluter
And I will take what is mine
Devour the goodness
Whichever "god" left behind
Yeah, perhaps this is my own
Warped reality
In my daydreams and nightmares
This illness, it breathes
Everyone's out to get me
Everyone will just leave
Bad dreams and fake things
Get so far under my skin
And the walls that surround me
Won't let any light in
Maybe it was my father
But I cant place the blame
Cause he's also just human
And we're the ******* same
Maybe it was the "god"
That dropped me off here
In this ******* with all you
And then filled me with fear
But I am the Destroyer
And you should fear me
Because in this life
I've always been lonely
And I really dont know
If I can ease this pain
Just let me dissolve
Sing in  the acid rain
I'd rather just smoke joints
Sitting under a bridge
And listen to water
As I cease to live
With a bottle of whiskey
So the cold wont concern
I'd rather just freeze
But it looks like I'll burn

Because I am Desecration
I will get what's deserved
And you'll see the storm take me
On rising winds, I have heard
The end of this world
Or at least the end of me
And this contagion
I cant take it
Never asked if I could be
But I'm here and it's so
So dark, and there's no
Harmony
Just like the moon pulls the ocean
With its own gravity
There's something hungry in my core
A singularity
That pulls me even deeper
I wonder how big my bang will be
Probably an opening for something much greater to grow
Guess I'm just not the kind of person
That would ever know

Because I am the Corruptor
And love is an ice shelf
And I will poison this world
As I poison myself.

It's ****** to feel
Like you actually **** at
Your only talent

I

We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Leaning together
Headpiece filled with straw.
Alas! Our dried voices, when
We whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in dry grass
Or rats' feet over broken glass
In our dry cellar

Shape without form, shade without colour, Paralysed force, gesture without motion;

Those who have crossed
With direct eyes, to death's other Kingdom
Remember us—if at all—not as lost
Violent souls, but only
As the hollow men
The stuffed men.

II

Eyes I dare not meet in dreams
In death's dream kingdom
These do not appear:
There, the eyes are
Sunlight on a broken column
There, is a tree swinging
And voices are
In the wind's singing
More distant and more solemn Than a fading star.

Let me be no nearer
In death's dream kingdom
Let me also wear
Such deliberate disguises
Rat's coat, crowskin, crossed staves
In a field
Behaving as the wind behaves
No nearer—

Not that final meeting In the twilight kingdom

III

This is the dead land
This is cactus land
Here the stone images
Are raised, here they receive
The supplication of a dead man's hand
Under the twinkle of a fading star.

Is it like this
In death's other kingdom
Waking alone
At the hour when we are Trembling with tenderness
Lips that would kiss
Form prayers to broken stone.

IV

The eyes are not here
There are no eyes here
In this valley of dying stars
In this hollow valley
This broken jaw of our lost kingdoms

In this last of meeting places
We ***** together
And avoid speech
Gathered on this beach of the tumid river

Sightless, unless
The eyes reappear
As the perpetual star
Multifoliate rose
Of death's twilight kingdom
The hope only
Of empty men.

V

Between the idea
And the reality
Between the motion
And the act
Falls the Shadow
For Thine is the Kingdom

Between the conception
And the creation
Between the emotion
And the response
Falls the Shadow
Life is very long

Between the desire
And the spasm
Between the potency
And the existence
Between the essence
And the descent
Falls the Shadow
For Thine is the Kingdom

This is the way the world ends This is the way the world ends This is the way the world ends Not with a bang but a whimper

-T.S. Eliot

I'm gonna try this again, try to say something new
But who knows, I'm not sure if I'll ever get through-
To her, embedded in the background of my thoughts
I still find myself missing her more often than not

I spend so much of my time trying to see from her perspective
Always asking what went wrong, are our hearts too selective?
I wonder why I'm like this, deserve to be all alone again
Never will she call me something more than just a friend

If she's an X and I'm a Y, were we just missing variables?
Was I just another problem with unknows, much too terrible-
To try and solve, after all, what's algebra got to do with life?
Not a **** thing, it won't ever bring this darkness into light

And I've thought a lot on darkness, it's so full of unknowns
But that's what brings me peace, sometimes the moonlight feels like home
When the Sun is harsh and bright and the people are so loud
I try with all my might and with each day done, I'm proud

But I know she doesn't mind, she'll never truly be alone
I have no other choice to make but face this world on my own
And in my dreams, I'm still wishing she never ceases to smile
Even if for me that means I'll be sad for a long while

So I'll just watch her as she waits for whatever outcome is "meant to be"
Whatever that's supposed to mean, a future she can't even see
Though I'm still standing here, but I guess that's not worth much
Writing these useless poems that don't even work well as a crutch

And if I die alone, I guess it's "meant to be" my fate
Cause if I held my breath, I think she'd let me suffocate
You can find me in the moonlight, relearning how to breathe
I love her so **** much, but I need a new hobby

She'll fold oragami flowers while someone makes her little paper birds
At least every sheet she creases is one not wasted on these words
I fell apart, but it's time I start picking up my own mess
It's funny how I love you more as I finally miss you less...

So I find myself standing here
Hundreds of miles from home
With my thoughts akin to fear
And once more, I feel alone

Oh, I miss her far too much
On lonesome nights that should not be
I need only her breath, her touch
She soothes me like the sea

But I must stare at endless blue
A horizon much too long
I'm lost at sea with naught to do
For my swimming skills aren't strong

The waves breathe deeply on the sand
The gulls, they chant her name
I still feel her softness on my hands
Sun, please burn her image in my brain

Far beyond sand castle spires
Titanics slumber, dream and sigh
The treasures other men admire
Dissolve in her blue eyes

The waves will take me back to shore
Or drag me farther out to sea
It barely matters anymore
When the beach is so **** lonely

Water creeps into my nose
I feel like drifting off to sleep
Surrender my breath to Davey Jones
And blind eyed horrors of the deep

Now, I shall dream of only peaceful things
While the Sun burns me to a crisp
I must ignore where it still stings
The spot she last touched my lips

I'll forever miss her more than land
But the oyster hides the pearl
And won't open in my withered hand
While I'm anchored in this world

May the hurricanes and whirlpools
Drag me down to rest
For while in life I was a fool
But in sad dreams I am her best

We waste each other's day
Waiting around until there
Is no more time to ****,
Praying or just hoping
For something better
To come along

The other night at work I noticed that
Centipedes like to congregate in the pool room to die
It's easily the warmest place in the hotel, but I see them all over
I notice bugs of all kinds, ants in the garbage, and spiders in the corners of the stairwell
Lady bugs love the sunny spots near the windows and I see those centipedes marching brazenly
Along the carpet in the hallway from time to time, I wonder where they go…
To what holes they crawl into, I wonder how long they’ve been alive
And why they choose to die near water because I easily sweep dozens of them up day after day
I’ve been feeling such a way that I cant help but relate this all to me
I’d guess I’d want to die somewhere warm too, but I cant think of what holes I’ll wander into
If I ever get out of this one, how many legs would it take to run? Rhetorical question…
Cause I’ve learned my lesson, there is no easy way out, there are no simple answers
See, all these “facts” are just theories, because no one knows why, what planes we’ll burst into
Or whatever our souls do, if you believe that sorta thing, I think space is funny
Because even within me there is so much space, spaces between atoms and spaces between cells
Nothing ever really touches so time is also a guess, and more like a distance
When we propose this strange instance that is reality, you need to have just enough separation
To hold it together, to even observe a shape, and we still yet may never know if there even is a why
Or that’s just what it does, the dimensions above are theoretically endless and unless we are shown wrong
It's known that particles flit in and out of the universe at a whim, if quantum mechanics was a church
I’d be in, cause it’s also a bunch of theories that are really a quest for the truth, if it can be observed
And when I heard that “facts” are stranger than fiction, they’re definitely right, we’re all still existing
In this plane we call the third, but we can ruminate on the fourth, and even manipulate it in metaphors
Seek to remake it so there is no space between us, then we’ll be static, make our wrinkle in this fabric
Last forever, just on the flip side of never, which is honestly another whole big conversation
Because everything and nothing are one in the same, but nothing by its own definition does not exist
I cant even begin to list how many long nights I’ve brooded on this, though everything is still a difficult concept
It’s easier to accept for me, you see I still stumble all over my words, and it’s hard to relate
I hate that I rarely know what to say, but I believe in quantum mechanics
So I must share atoms with other versions of myself
That there’s one of my selves that can breathe fire, maybe
And one who’s the strongest, fastest man on the planet
Even a me that can communicate flawlessly every time no matter what the circumstance or who the person
And if my search is diligent, then there's one of me out there that is ******* brilliant
Because connection is just on the other side of separation, loneliness is just a sensation
An illusion, a confusion, if you can even read this then you can’t truly be alone
Just wonder why and roam
This plane of existence that happens to be home

She asked, "Do you love me?"
As if she couldn't see the answer
Well, if there is a chance her questions cease to dance in that glorious head
If I could put her at ease, the very least I can do
Is just say the truth

"Of course I love you."

"Do you promise?" She asked

"I swear on my heart. To the moon and back."

She smiled that smile and said, "Farther than that?"
As if this thing could be measured by light years or parsecs
As if love was a treasure that we can only detect
When it falls to the Earth
Well, since birth, I feel like I've been waiting for you
And this feeling is new, so bear with me
And I'll try my best to describe, make these words come alive with the feelings
That they could never explain

Well, here's a good start:
My love for you is nebulous
Tremendously, it escapes from my chest to exist
As a cloud in my spaces
And all the light on Earth chases you throughout the day
Though I yet may never write a poem worthy of this
Just to kiss you has become my own miracle
Circumventing the spacetime around me
As unrelenting as the forces that maintain every boundary
In that literal sense

You are my pillars of creation
I wish that every sensation I've made you feel could show you this truth
You are my space station, you are the proof that there is a light somewhere
So don't you dare fizzle out, because you are beautiful
You are my Rosette, if Cassiopeia would just shut up and let
Her radiance shine, you would still be more divine
In the same footsteps as Perseus, I want you to be mine
But I can do only so much with spectroscopy and rhymes
Just know that I love you exponentially more than to Luna's craters and cracks
You are the knack that I think I have for writing, alighting my pages, your fingers track
The flight of my soul, and once it gets there and back
Andromeda herself can testify to that, don't take my word for it
But if you could ignore it or deny by the time I am done
If this poem is worthless
If dark energy won
It would all be
My fault

So halt...
Because I'm not Perseus, no hero, but to hold you in my arms
And become a part of your shimmering charms make that okay
I'm merely a man, even absolute zero could not understand
That's my life without you, no stars in the sky
Simply an elongated wait for the Universe to just die
But you
You're still here
So I'm still gonna try

My love for you is cosmic, no
It's not a trick, if it was that easy
I'd just say infinite
But what good is forever with no "happily"
And what use is the Earth if you're not here with me?
I'd just be this person with these celestial thoughts
Lost in the Oort Cloud, with this terrestrial rot
And you're a cluster of stars, don't you ever doubt
You're far more luminous than even Fomalhaut
More like "R136a1," which is ten million times brighter than our puny Sun
Somewhere out there in the Tarantula, which is another interesting name
For a nebula, unlike the star burning there, still not as brightly as you
Even scientists have trouble naming something so new
And you take me to places even Hubble can't see
So I hope you stay in this air bubble with me
You don't need to be Asteria
Atlas can't hold up my dome
But won't you be my Polaris?
Let me follow you home

Because you shine, oh, you shine
And these feet, they just roam

But you, you are my heart, my titaness
You are the light that gives meaning to darkness
Whatever god is there, I must surely be blessed
Because my love for you, it is
Fathomless...

God does not write with
Ink and pen, words to be read
But in what you feel