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voices, mirror glance inward-outward
-inward-outward-inanoutandinward
in simultaneous disease-like passion--
divine like bacteria kneading and bleep
-ing up to one to one against to one toward
a unity, a collective evolutionary force begin
-ning in a marshy wallow-- forward to a creature
slithers rocks unsure if fish or finger-- beyond unto
a sharp-claw carnivorous terror (the Divine Right of
Kings) and slowly, in the wake of the destruction the
shattered continental plate lifted like a carpet during
renovation violence, the bacteria stayed away and
under soiled-earth to slowly form toward the muddy
saliva of a strangely-fit mouse-rat....

through the dissipating wake of molten mist, a
sabertooth tiger yawns with a growled-tremor
and an after-bath shake-- ends a trampled scrap
under mammoth foot having indicted this panic
in its desperate mammalian hunger-- this bacteria,
kneading and bleeping, continues its one to one
against to one as a meaty slab metabolized by
opportunistic caveman feeding his cubs and his
loves before courage became the theoretical pond
-ering of Voltaire's and Descartes's and Camus's...
the brain muffles itself in fuzzy
screech-fall-flows. writers block,
zoned into oblivion, thought anti
-depressed and always sleepy with
a whistle with a wary worried walk
beyond the words it read in quiet little
head-room office space. hitherto unknown
was the minds capacity for deserted lethargy--
a battlefield full of intuitive feeling gone and
warbling like a bird with no verbalistic functions--
speaking in musical notes and tonal chirp's-- the
reality of things can only be understood as an over
-extended staring contest and our eyes have been teary
since the birth of the

    

                                     warmblooded  





mouse.
taking government loans, parental guidelines
and flashy dress-skirts made this life unfact
and unfiction. Lost in the disabled returns on
tax dividends, the world kept calling your name.
“Rise up and be born with me, brother” Pablo
Neruda inclined-- “Give me your hand from the deep  
Zone seeded by your sorrow.”
it all it all it all ached,
an abyss of patience with nothing-- a droplet of sidelined
coffee given sentience with ingestion-- all the banal all
the mundane all the flowing rock-face moments so
presented by society-- in my heart of hearts, in my mind
of minds, in my eye of eyes, in my neck of necks, I found pain....
the ache of achey betrayal and the ache of achey loss. In this
pain we find repreive from Pollyanna-- reprieve from the false
Gods of Evil, the Devil Within your Ex-Girlfriend-- the reason
she let his ******* inside. Through all the latency-- through
starving streetless sleepless evenings-turned-to-nights I could
see death within the sliver of a flashlight beam.. telling me to
take the life or leave the life but never in-between-- telling me
the pain was part and parcel to the ecstasy of faith and resurrection--
screaming “FLATLINED IF YOU WANT, FASTLINED IN YOU
WANT, SIDELINED IF YOU WANT, STREETLIGHT IF YOU
WANT” and throughout this evil and this darkness and this nothing
-but-a-flashlight-beam, I hear Neruda--

*“Rise up and be born with me, brother.”
you were the diamond on the truck-stop floor. the hiss of sparked ignitions wafted through your mind, sandy and confused-- meaningless, like cake crumbs. cake crumbs you swept up and all, for what?

the little green man inside your hypocrisy (disguised as paradox) hid away.. feeling deeper and deeper into the recesses of flesh you once called home.

there had been a time. of course, we all know time is linear, and all that is linear must soon and completely find halt within eternity.. as if the dribble of a drain makes a marble of the ocean.. as if a handful of ocean ice water will diminish the intensity of the seven seas at their largest... as if a sky full of rain and a raindrop full of see and be seen is really much more than you're looking at.

I took my own hand this time, skipping down the trail. it was overcast and foggy. Melancholy rested in the air and on the dew of the leaves, I was thirsty and pooled it to the middle of a particular green, drinking like a bowl from the Jungle Book. All I could taste was white wine and dandelion bitters. All I could smell was that metallic springtime rainfall smell, the night sauteed in the heat of the morning. The sun now at it's zenith above Honolulu, perhaps.. above Midway, or the Solomon Islands. In my minds eye, I could taste the thirsty coconut milk of Tahiti.

What I saw in the mist, dear Reader, was nothing short of breath. My breath. My breath. My breath. Condensation a frothy steam from teapot of mouth, steeping syntax and semantics into novels of thought all expressed in the limelight of sudden conversation and fitful, rightful, frightening intrigue.

You can never really love enough, can you? You can never truly **** the thought without the thought first taking you.. asking you.. begging you..

thinking and thinking and thinking.....

.. . . .. . . .. . .. . . .... . .          why?

Lawrence,


why?
stove-top percolator sits stove-top *****,
house is a flippant mess of disgust and
attempt. there's a distant whisper of a
yell to somewhere someone else outside,
blinded windows and piquing sunlight
writing lawnmower hums to the conclaves
of covered eardrums and a thought crosses
the mind:

*'stale old coffee and undusted, unswept floors.
life is an attempt to keep the world clean and yet
lose yourself in the rubble *** it seems that all
secret desires crave an unmade bed'
I kinda wanna watch the Dead Poets Society and cry some more













                                               ­   and feel ok about myself










            and stop feeling so lonely inside







my own head all the time













and all the pain I've experienced, and all the pain everyone experiences, and all the hate and all the evil and all the betrayals and all the



              mad strangeness








all the dead end moments spent thinking


                           'it's about to happen'

with that little up-euphoria and a cup of hottie coffee only to have it sink again when it's all an



                  



                                       ­                  unrealized











dream


               for


                               no













                                                   ­     reason













and all the  





























                                                    distan­ce



                



                                













                                               all the facebooks










                                                      ­                            all the tumblrs


















    all the snapchats









                      all the xanax







                          









                                   all the drugs















all the





                                                           ­              sobriety
















all the



















                                                 'maybe tomorrows'




















                    all the
                                                              

­
                                                           'one days'












                                          I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT










all the banks




                         and



                                  all the houses








all the flowers looking nice and the niceness looking not so nice so the              niceness              of         the        flowers      



                                     ­       ain't

                                                       so

                                                               ­ nice



















































        ­                                    all the jobs





and




                                                            ­               all the laundry










all the money all the lies all the painful honest











                                                     ­                          truths









  all the cellphones and water



and the fridge,
                      in the quiet,
























                    humming





























                                   ­              humming































humming

























        humming
what it's like to be depressed with no expectation or commandment

R.I.P, Robin Williams.
allegiances shift; those who once loved each other now hold tight to grudge. one reason, two reason, black sooty handprint slapmarks on the ***, on the face, on the chest, on the rest... raindrenched beauty translated into achy-bone-break loneliness beer ****** drug addictions constant fall from grace-- as if the void of action gave way to unnecessary criticism, phantasmal attack, reasons to judge as if it were anyone's place (everyone's place) and you can dole out the truth yet never take it when it's given.. the rain and the forest are so still and yet the rain eventually runs like blood, pools at your feet, leaves and branches like guts and wind like sharp-pain hack-coughs from the root of the solar plexus.. happy I left what it became in my mind, and yet (somehow) the bitter-blood still reaches out, plague-like, to tick the back of the mind and say: 'remember where you came from' 'remember who you were.'
an anti-ode to Powell River; the hometown that stews in unnecessary judgement and drug-fueled drama
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