It's getting old;
these anecdotes
of grief and pain.
Solutions silenced
to entertain.
Yet who am I
to obstain
when 6 years ago
feels like yesterday.
Chasing echos of laughter
as you fade away
into our past;
into my future.
Older than you,
but born as your junior.
I'd let the wound heal,
but I'd rather tear out the sutures.
Dabbling with the same mentality
that turned you into a user.
Oh Brother,
Oh Brother,
I'm addicted to
my memories of you.
Pausing my cause
to reflect on your loss.
And I'm still here,
6 years later,
motionless in fear.
Trying to make sense,
while refusing to forget
what I can't quite remember.

What's left is what's underneath;
Living life between peaks of sanity.
Too lost to rediscover those thoughts;
In an instant, Humanity...

Facing backwards on this track of sunsets;
Straining to see the significance of each step.

How did I get here?

Chasing the scent of who I used to be;
Lacking definition, but I knew my meaning.
Change was imminent, yet I'd remain unique.
Now those days seem like the peak
of my potential.

A painful reminder of what I'll never know.

My present self resides
in the time between then and why.
Stuck in an infinite loop of what I didn't do;
The price to pay for a world without you.

Originally a trilogy,
this disbanded energy
effects my ability to see
beyond...

clear blue
peeking through
negative space
landscape
evergreen
wall of trees
keeps me
driving East

Stuck in the silence in between
my present self and a memory.
Desperately trying to create a hero
for a story that may never be told.

I can pinpoint the instant of uncertainty;
driving towards a fabricated persistency
just days after your final chapter.
Of course I was absorbed in my thereafter.

Despite all your failure, success, and fear;
in that moment you disappeared.
Leaving me to inherit your dismay;
a melancholy filter over the standard display.

A selfish thought towards a selfless love;
had two brothers, now I barely have one.
Constantly reminded of life’s impermanence
while searching for a perpetual state of purpose.

I knew you
before this world chewed through
your sense of self-worth
and swallowed;
Reminding you of the hollowness
inherit in this existence
as you hit each rib
on the way down.
Too proud to denounce
the things that made you this way.
Too gone to say
I’ll see you again.
Never thought I’d have to defend
my heart against
my Kin, my Brother, my Friend.

I am that forgotten voice on the edge of the earth,
Residing where the sun meets the sea.
I am the beginning and the end.

I push and pull you like the tide.
I drag you under like the current.
I drown you.

Intoxicated
Superficial
Delirium

Taste the tonic on my lips.
Quench that desert thirst.
Let me relieve you of your sailor's burden,
For I am a siren in the sea of false promises.

What a day my life has been
Wash the sin then start again
Wakes of bliss and crests of pain
Alive through feeling, all the same

Memory drowned by trauma past
The sense of self could not outlast
Scouring my soul for virtues to recall
Who was I before I became nothing at all

I taste it in the air I breathe
Hints scattered throughout the seaside scene
Yet I remain in the confines of this cave
Alone with my echoes, no new sound made

One day, soon, I’ll listen for the wind
My one true chance to sail again
Until then, I’ll sink and wait
For tomorrow's tide to bring another day

Please try to realize
that you're a mystery to me.
I can barely see past my present self,
much less put together
the puzzle pieces of everyone else.
But I try.
I ask myself, why,
constantly.
Hoping maybe I can supply
the understanding I so desperately seek.

Sometimes the woes of this world
leak into my personality.
But that’s not me.
We’re so much more
than what we’d have everyone else think.
That exposed exterior is inferior
to the interior of our individual being.
So what is it keeping us from seeing that?
Probably the same thing that blinds us
to the beauty of variety.
The attention in our eyes
is forced to compromise.
Energy wasted sifting through the lies
instead of observing what’s inside
all of us.

The glory of existence
is lost in worldly causes.
No one pausing to acknowledge
that maybe the way we think
is supported by some semblance
of reasoning.
The experiences of our parents
led them to our creation,
but we’re free from their expectations
based on irrelevant information.

We’re constantly and unconsciously
changing the way
we view the day
each day,
but don’t have the courage
to converse with those
who share in the fray.
We’ll distract ourselves
with frozen memories on phones
and videos of controlled moments,
and when the time comes
where the times don’t make much sense,
we’ll remain silent.
We’ll begin to take these thoughts
manifested in isolation
as universal truths.
And then wonder why our fellow man
is losing touch with us.

The state of our state
is not conducive to the way
we generate compassion.
So just ask them.
Take into consideration
the possibility of facts
beyond your grasp
and relapse
into that childlike ignorance
that is willing to give the unknown a chance...

As soon as I wake up,
I see everything I need to be
with such clarity.
But as I take that first step
into the quicksand
that is my existence,
I backtrack and forget.
I lose myself
in the midst of everyone else.
Melting into this world's desire;
extinguishing that unique fire
that I had lit
before I knew of sin
and strife.
Before I ever asked why.
But they say an unexamined life
isn't worth living,
so I'll just keep dreaming
of what I want to be
in hopes that one day
I'll fall asleep
as me.

Your disdain
permeates
through my veins
as I attempt to refrain
from sinking to your low.
Never knowing
when I'll be exposed
to that genetic predisposition
of insanity.
My feet paralyzed
by what could be,
so much so
that I can't see
the future in front of me.
I look to the horizon
and the sun,
but they're just reminders
of my limitations.
Like a bullet from a gun;
predestined to destroy something
before I lose my purpose.
How can I avoid this?
When half of me
is mostly you
it's hard to find the words to
convince myself
that I'm something new.

I’m sifting through these ashes
trying
dying
to forget about
the only thing I’ve ever lived for.
But this doubt,
oh, this doubt,
persists with stout
fragrances of wilted bouquets.
Respiration filled with pain.
This oxygen is stale
and I as human tend to inhale.
But that smell,
oh, that smell,
that at one point had me strung
has devoured both my lungs
in my final attempt to live
by breathing in all of you.

The atlas to my life debunked
The ships upon my sea have sunk
Settled lives content to be
Yet alone I wander in search of me

What glories past the horizon lay
What compromises forced to make
Within this scope of birth and rest
Proceeding with a cautious step

If only that the wind would blow
And usher me where I need to go
Plagued by doubt and scattered song
If only with me I could belong

Love defined
by honest yet kind
eyes
of the deepest flesh wound.
Silhouettes of loneliness
to unfamiliar minds.
Questioning night skies;
ignored by dreamer’s dreams.
The pacing of our racing
pulse
drowning out everything.
Unaware of everywhere,
yet rippled at the seams.
Acknowledging imperfections
disguised as real perfection.
This ignorance is bliss
if at all it does exist.

I never wanted
to hate you.
We could just never
make it through
a conversation
without some
confrontation.
Bringing up the past;
fermentation
of unrealistic
expectations.
And I’m not saying
that I’m the saint
of this situation.
I know that I’ve been
vacant.
But can you blame me
for trying to preserve
my memory
of the mother
you used to be;
smiles not filtered
through amphetamine.
Teeth gleaming,
eyes seeing
past the woes of this world
you created me for.

For so long, it seems,
like my life has been moving
in one direction
with no suggestion
from myself.
In a vegetative state,
not wanting to take the blame
for my existence.
But that ****
gets old real quick.
Dwelling on what I did
or didn’t do;
New opportunities
passing by in full view.
Attainable,
but I have to break through
this barrier of apathy and grief
held towards a world
that never wanted me.
Haphazardly hoping
that a greater man
had a greater plan
than birth and death,
but all the rest
is up to me
it seems.
In between
two unchanging variables,
I’ll exist until relieved.
Until then I’ll try to be
Something...

Sadness sits on my pursed lips
as I try to find the words
to sheath the swords of warriors
rallied behind the curse of their perspective.
So apathetic
towards unfamiliar rhetoric.
Content to revel in
the division of their fellow men.
Like understanding is limited;
It’s not.
Getting caught up in the delusion
is never the solution.
A full bowl cannot be filled.
The idea of peace cannot be killed
by black or blue
or bullets flying through
the news.
The media telling you
which side to take
instead of providing a way
to learn from the mistakes
of a country founded
on issues that have been compounded
by years of willful ignorance.
Of course times are tense
with everyone trying to make sense
of their place in this nation;
some trying to escape it.
All aware of the vacant
presence of people willing to delve
into some ideas beyond themselves.

Another day,
Another dawn,
Another cause
lost
in the thought of the cost.
Hesitation based
on mistakes that were made
during days that do not pertain
to the present.
Yet here I sit,
so limited
by the idea
that I could make them again.
If only I could shelf
this insecurity of self
and find the hidden wealth
of my efforts.
I need to stop stammering
through the silence.
There's no chance of igniting this
Without a spark,
Without a start,
Without the art
of it all.
Better to fall
with my feet facing forward towards
the notion of something more
than to retreat into the known;
content to be alone
with what the shadows show.
Ignoring the potential of my soul
- That light, seeping in,
past the scope of my willful ignorance.

Wake up.
Breathe.
Try to get a grip
so that I can lift
the weight of this reality.
Thoughts on stream.
Moral compass buffering.
Spitting so there’s some shine;
so clean.
No need to wonder why,
accept that tainted gleam.
Seeing is believing,
and I’ve gone blind
trying to find the meaning behind
the reflection in your eyes.
Shattered mirror every time
I catch a glimpse of myself;
looking for anything else
to be
other than me.
One day these warring factions
might make peace or sense.
Straddling the fence
that divides nature vs will.
See, I don’t have to ****
to know that death resides
on the dark side of this strife,
but when it comes to life
I have the hardest time
determining what is right.
When there are infinite sides
to every person and story
I can’t help but worry.
In a perpetual state of anxiety,
as I fail but keep trying
to understand why
this drive - to know
consumes my soul.