19 truths



1. Black-eyed peas do not work

2. There's nobody to kiss tonight

3. I can't open or drink champagne

4. Resolutions rarely happen

5. It's only just another day

6. I'm always awake at midnight, anyway

7. Tomorrow comes fast when older

8. Staying up is nothing special

9. Our calendar is meaningless

10. I needed sleep tonight

11. Our family is sick of each other by now

12. I've been too lazy

13. 365 days ago I cut myself the first time

14. I've changed, maybe for the better

15. I made my own dictionary

16. I don't know why I'm treating this day as important

17. School's halfway through

18. And basically everything seems dead, superficial, and meaningless

19. But I don't care

I wonder if I had lived somewhere

other than Rochester.

(Minneapolis?)

What would I be?



I can not help but

keep longing for that air

OH! all the air that's there!



I'm old.

And the ******* millennials are

pouring over and I am just

stuck.

Who will I be?

after all this fire

surrenders to dusk?



But the silent air screams

LOUDEST

in my ears.

However I can't fight back

for Life's too powerful

and I am left with water

so much black water

that can not be drained.



It was the most important decision

in my life and for all those around me.

I swear my feet land by my decision

but I can not help but wonder

what would I be?

if I had lived somewhere

other than Rochester?

I ache to say it to

somebody

but I can't say it

to myself

A crescent moon was outshined by all the lights

Even the noise of my own thoughts was almost drowned

It was freezing

Near zero, wasn't it?

There was actual ice in the river!

But my body felt aflame

And it just took half a second.

Anger is a retort blocked by coercion

Like I want to just hate

And hate

And hate her eternally

I want to despise the sheer shadow of her

Until light is absent and the world drowns in shadow

I want the cruelty and bullying

The patronizing and lying

The hatred

To be fired in a beam right back at her

No, not waves

A beam

A powerful, blasting

Beam

That spews and spews every word of disgust she's shot at me

And bombard her with her own words

Let the pain fall on her like stones to the skull

To finally get through to her head

Finally for her to understand

I'm not just a lifeless shell

Although I know I'll be fine after her yelling,

I can only leave her yelling smiling

(The other option is crying)

Because she will not ever understand

No one will

Because her coercive power blocks my anger

Anxiety's a ball of liquid iron

Eternally freezing from the inside out

Fit a layer of stone!

Sprinkle some grasses and trees for decoration

Pretty thing on the surface from outer space

But in the surface, a cold hell

Smoke and trash and debris

From internal wars fought before

Volcanoes that at times erupt

The fire brewing at the core

Her vocals strum

and hum

a tone of great familiarity

The crisp and warm and sharp

voice of her mouth as she reads

Poetry



Cadence of flies

that rise

and fall and flutter through void

like waves that pound on my ear

and stings the air when she reads

Poetry



But would the air

compare

with that if she played my words?

and match the golden light of the

hanging lamp above us both?



Us both immersed

in words

of others and pain of others

while we look across at each other

and listen as my

sister

reads

Poetry

I'm taking a break
Need to organize my thoughts
And think some things through

My poetry

reflects like broken glass

and a sheet

We are

the people driving the streets

the reporters we love and hate

We are

the surgeons, the murderers

the rebels, the senators

We are

the protesters and police of state



We are

the painters with wondrous galleries

the athletes in the Hall of Fame

We are

the poets, the con artists

the impoverished, the satirists

We are

the forgotten with no face forlorn with name



We are

the dead and the children of life

the writers of what the future's for

and so as infants we will rise

when we haven't parents anymore

A leaf makes shingles cave over

A pin will knock a tightrope walker

And a hair overflows the water beaker



A's cut from B by a line of fleas

while string divides it from C

In vain one may be slain with pain

while working hard does thee



The weight of rock can't be forgot

Even through fervent pulls of wrought

No gain will rain as bane's sustained;

Pulling such weight makes wings distraught



For a breath may shake the house

An iron spring will snap the mouse

And towels can tear with a single douse

Did you notice the sky was gray?

Did you notice their shoes today?

Did you notice those old rocks?

Did you notice your own thoughts?

Do you notice the wind in you hair?

Did you notice the birds over there?

Did you notice how you smile?

Did you notice your clothing style?

Did you notice the apple tree?

Did you notice the grass was green?

Did you notice the teacher's pants?

Did you notice the minute hand?

Did you notice the shade of their eyes?

Did you notice how you cry?

Did you notice the cleaning staff?

Did you notice your neighbor's laugh?

Did you notice?

An eagle bound to Earth

its feathers tethered to

the ground.

His cry would break glass;

None paid heed, the sound



He used the weight for reps

Flap, flap to make his wings

stronger.

The rock that holds him

will soon no longer.



Burden subsided, he

soars high up in the

sky free.

And heaviness leaves

him to be happy.



But strength had

never come

freely.

Eighty years old
with frazzled white hair,
Sad because I
am pining for air

It always seems the easiest

for them to come to you.

But I must pause

lest forget

to flip the script, too.

My bags weren't big enough

Raised by parents and friends

An ocean away from my heart



But my heart lived elsewhere, too

In a young woman

A moral, passionate, thoughtful

woman.



A heart lying on the frosty grass

The frozen balcony

Overlooking the city



A heart in America

With an unpredicted love

Concreted by a brass ring



A heart in the ocean

Where I flew over

To a new destiny

Perfect for jackets;

live rainbows laced with gold that

fills my library.

The cage was flooded with the rushing black

With only two small holes to drain it through

Reach, but in vain; grasp only the untrue

Loves and smiles, which in pure I have lacked

Reach! But in vain! For the the fruits are too far

One must crack the wood that surround their Self

Your consciousness, into which you must delve

And then, you'll find the true person you are



I've began to break the walls that were built

However I felt nothing but clean guilt

I was forced to spill the water on those

Who chanced to be close to me. I'm sorry.

It's more stressful than I'd hoped it would be

But now I guess I'll just see how this goes

We talk of time like Earth is a desert

with nothing to harvest nor gain

When in reality,

it coats the oceans

and is trapped between every rock



Strangely, we talk of such deprivation

at times when it's grown luxuriant

For there's not much

to do with too much

except ponder how we've so few



Oh what of Humanity

is to come when all is done

and the desert

is teeming

with flora as far as I see?



We talk of time

like we have no time at times when we've nothing but.

That little piece of

glass

had the power to pull

everything in me

down

Happiness is a guilty pleasure.

It's just not me; not who I am.

And I love it.

It feels so amazing, so wonderful

to be happy

to talk to strangers

to laugh

to love

in life.



But sadness blinds me eyes.

Stands out in the crows

and I love it.

It feels so thoughtful, so honest

to be conscious

to have will

to learn

to listen

in life.

I hold Happiness on my back

I bought it how we make it.

But I keep fumbling and stumbling

through the world

because this Happiness doesn't fit on my back.

Through fruitless attempts

I drip gallons of sweat

to lift this Happiness onto my back.

For it was manufactured in squares and boxes.

Time to make my own.

Just how long have I to wait

For that single word:

"Hey"

Spin does the hour hand

Spent filling a sieve with

sand

All those months where everyday

I watch Life simply fly

away

Is it true that one day I can

Hold a friend's warm

hand

So many long lonely days

And nothing can I really say

And not much I can do but

wait.

If there's one

thing to learn from history

it's that we

never learn



And of all

the paramount mystery

is how we act so

unconcerned

How far away you are!

and yet how close I make you!

I lie on the floor and whisper

my darkest thoughts

my best thoughts

to my mind's ghost of you

Your flesh is like blankets

your lips feel like pillows

the cotton resembles the touch of your hair

and the voice of you

is mine shot softly through the air

How many years will I never get back

How many laughs can I no longer grab

How many friends have I forever lost

How many chances out the window I've tossed

How many opportunities are passing me

How many fires I'm too blind to see

Hundred degrees

Under the blistering heat

And all I feel is cold



A melodramatic

Extreme problematic

Most of what I'm told



Vacant feeling

Empathy failing

My cracked and hardened soul



A lone old stone-cold soul

I concede I shall never be a truly happy man. I'm disregarding and empty of faith in everything; Any God, humanity, and love. I've tried to mask myself as much as I can. But the mask I wore is gradually peeling. My days of trying are exhausted and done.



Now I'll surrender any control of my Self, but not my body. Drift along a river that's flowing past. With battle scar to commemorate the times when I still loved and for Love I did try. But I've lost the war and the sky is foggy. The exile of my own soul unto me is cast. Glance back at the gates; far through them, it's reminiscent of when I had flied.

I drew.

I drew with the shapes I've learned to make everything of.

These shapes could be used

On a canvas absent of boundaries

And I drew

I drew of love, and hope, and suicide

An art that depicted loss, and solitude, and desperation

And all of this and nothing changed;

I knew not one thing more

Except I was given another thought

To pile upon the mountain of them

That drowns the whole sea of them

And soars through the air that was clouded with them



The thought?



It was love

That I had hoped

As I once contemplated suicide



The cure of loss

Of people and solitude

That made me living desperation



I would say I like to only think about things instead

But if I were to once listen to my feelings,

Well,

I would say not one single lie was etched here.

I had a fear of a fire

That would melt my heart

which would pour through the lids of my eyes.

An energy to push the Invisible



But this morning I saw a new side



A flame that was warm but didn't burn.

Helping wash away and

Release the air



I'm falling

Or am I floating?



And then I saw what was missing.

And then I saw what I missed.



The piece of my world to keep it whole



Will I land? Or won't I? I'm close to it now.

Will I land?

Or won't I?



And the thing that I felt when I saw the new side

Was what was in the sky when I saw the Earth

I made a map over the summer to an unknown treasure.

I didn't know how long the trail was.

Wednesday I left the map for a jewel I see in the grass.

Why?

I was hungry with no food.

I don't even know if the gem is fake or cheap

But yet I left the map to find out the jewel's worth.

I need music

My earbuds are broken

Sometimes they work

And sometimes static

Really makes one

Appreciate it more

And crave it so

But just can't have it

My hormones

I despise them

Happiness

They accept none





I have ran

But not away

Out of sight

But not of mind

Still it stays although I try



Why I flee

From the misery

I create

With thoughts sedate

I do see how it's insane



Insanity

(Define, can thee?)

Does describe

All that incites

Acts of me to run and hide



Tooth crescents

Outshine darkness

Like the Moon

But yet it soon

Be destined uncovers gloom



Nervous eyes

Poetry writes

Itself and

Block off it can't

Silent cries nothing can stand



Oh! poems

The rules of them

None. But still

I fail to spill

Emotions that slowly ****





Insane is it?

To run from things to sate the cave

For fear of drowning again?

You say insane?

I have blocked it twice more before

So pushed light from going in?

It is insane?

Do things that I have done a ton

And wish for a different end?

I thought they'd help me calm the waves

But they only sped them up

It's weird how last year

I cried because I'd

A soul sheared alone



And yet now I've felt

Quite fine when I try

For true solitude



Strange 'tis: I find bliss

In wind that did spin

The storm of great form

I've a library full of memories

With a key for every one

Play the key watch me lose

My senses into the sun



The moments of silence

And I walk among the shelves

Wandering these lost times

I can hurt or cure myself



The first few notes begin to play

My heart begins to race

I redden as she looks at me

With a smile on her face



Across the table from me

With ice cream in her hand

Two years and I still miss her;

But she's no longer my best friend



The first verse rings in my ear

Before it's even there

I see the Pennsylvania hills

And feel the humid air



Listening to my music

Gazing through the window a lot

Hours I'm stuffed in the car

Listening to my thoughts



Now the bridge has come

Walking away from my home

Tears are in my mother's eyes

As she sees how far we've grown



It's my first year of middle school

And I'm a nervous wreck

The future is so cloudy

I don't know what to expect



The tempo builds and he is there

My first ans closest friend

We play together in the sandbox

But our bond was soon to end



It's the last base drop

And the winter's a sharp chill

I have a sled under my arm

As I look far down Cobb's Hill



The final keys are struck

My hand ***** into a fist

As I feel the rushing anger

And see the blood on my wrist



Only a few more seconds

The song is almost done

I feel the breeze as I bike

Under the scarlet sun

Stress is building up like snow

I'll write something better

tomorrow



I need to stop procrastinating.

Ah yes,

if I ignore it long enough

soon I will be freed

O such sweet Liberty!

Pain and Liberty walk hand in hand

But Pain cheats her with Lust



A mess

is made when I Love

Perhaps I should see

What waiting brings me

To see what seed flies on my land

and what it yields: I will and must

Living in Autumn, light lovingly lies on the leaves and illuminates them like lampshades with a layer of shadow luring behind luster. This liberal contract of luminosity level leaves the lesson that lightless loneliness shall not leave lest losing light and love.

Wonder is far beyond any feeling

It's the bright leaves parting the sky as seas

It's the magnet called curiosity

And expands a void that isn't filling

'Tis too, quite a bumpy path to healing

That I never cross because Fear drives me

And so the path fades and I take my leave

Head back to my unseen world of hurting



Pain pounds me when I find myself alone

Mound of blankets doesn't work anymore

Writing unsent letters can't numb the hurt

Learn to fly passenger; mostly solo

Overlook in wonder the sea of orange

Unable to describe all my wonder

Dodge the scythe of Death!

Scamper from the claws of ghosts

Watch your companions die and

you live alone



Misery!

define, can thee?

My teacher sent a packet home
Of Sumerians to Ancient Rome
They told me I should study well
And right before the ringing bell
Said I will do alright

Then gave me a website to visit
With every unit all listed
From biospheres to light reactions
They said that I should just relax and
That I will do just fine

A table lined with women

and girls

and gray chairs with wool

on which

clothes of the color of stars on

American evil

that the sweetest

most innocent thing

was cloaked in and

sat with curiosity

The twister had calmed to winds still sleek

They created beautiful art

I wished from this practice a path to relief

Alas such relief is too far

What do you expect from a broken heart?



I have hid my art behind a screen

Deciphering, some of you are

Some of you probably know it's me

And may keep your distance quite large

I'm not surprised for my morale is scarred



I may take rest from this for a week

For writing these are getting hard

My welfare and writing seems too bleak

Internally I'm ripped apart

It seems my mind will be forever dark

Nothing hurt my eyes any more

than seeing the

strongest girl I know

cry.



Then why wasn't I?



The golden light loomed over us

as we were told

our bedrooms could change

soon,



for a brick building in the city

was about to serve no more.

And my only bit of hope

balanced on the promise

my parents will do their very best

Open doors lined in a hall

Walked through two and took a fall

Peered through the next one I saw

Ask if I should go at all

And risk having a third fall

I figured I should not stall

Defying my fearful call

If again I hit a wall;

Be shot down and forced to crawl,

There are more doors in the hall

I plan to walk through them all

'Til I find my tree grows tall

Her mother never loved her

At least she never showed

Never asked her daughter's feelings

So Love, the girl didn't know



My mother can't understand me

She doesn't know how I feel

And so she often yells my faults

So I hide from what is real



I never could handle children

My attempts for empathy fail

My daughter screams she hates me

And fights me tooth and nail

Play it cool

Like a fool

'Til year's flown

Last chance blown

Insanity

Define, can thee

Future is a script written within my head

with no facts of which are proven right or wrong

And the Past is only as corruptly read

like a bird gulping it's spring morning song



But Present's not stable; undefined instead,

as ice is a liquid, be shattered and strong

Soars with the bullet, from the chamber it fled

and moves like a snail pushing itself along

And then she placed her rainbow broom

With colors across the spectrum

Leaned it against the kitchen chair

As her face grew very solemn



"Wash away the grime!" she says

Grasping the dripping mop

Soft and hard, wet and dry

She coats every exposed spot



Her face while working, 'tis so solemn

Watching the colored bristles drown

In soft and hard, wet and dry

And slowly but surely go brown



Soft and hard, wet and dry

Yet the children do not cry



They know how to laugh and play

Even when the sun's away