i swear to god when you pulled me out of that car
you had to have known what we are
at first i remember hiding you from my dad
and i remember the first time i made you sad
now you make me wish i was dead
i'm alone and i'm stuck in my head
nobody looks like or talks like or thinks like you
and i've been dreaming about you wanting me too
ive been picturing your laugh inside my mind
and without you in my vision i might as well go blind
you're all i ever talk about when i'm drunk with my friends
and they try to tell me that you and i is now "the end"
i never listen i just fantasize
when will i quit telling myself lies
i remember all good times and it makes me cry
the bad times are there but i don't care and i don't know why
i miss being in the same room as you just sitting
now i'm alone every night and it makes me feel like quitting
i wasn't even alive until i met you
so how the **** do i live without you
nobody can love you like i do

you became my entirety of life.
and then like a ******* knife,
i had to cut you out-but who knows?
maybe you didn't mean to hit my ******* nose.
when i just get started-i feel fine.
i almost even forget you were mine.
but being ****** up is my favorite,
ill push my limits until i've made it.
what's love without some horrific pain?
this **** would turn stable people insane.
the comedown-i swear is the only part,
that shoots the pain back in my heart.
my mind is pleading- my body aches,
you're not here and my spirit breaks.
i'd ask you for help but you've gone away,
there's nothing on earth to make you stay.
i ******* hate being alive without you,
it's not even living- it's like i'm

as a little kid nobody told me how hard it would be
they told me about the ups
and they sure as hell didn't tell me about the downs
i imagined my future life so bright

i imagined
success
finding a dream job
happiness
but in reality
somedays im stuck in my bed
motionless
cramping with anxiety
battling just to stop myself from ending my own life
thinking of anyway
any possible way
to make the pain go away

theres nothing like the bitter sting
of things colliding between
the days get harder
and the breaths become shorter

the sadness fills voids I've had since I was born and I cannot fathom what happiness is. I don't know how to be okay and im questioning if I ever even knew how to function. as im sitting in my bed questioning the universe's sick joke called my life, I wonder if the little things in life will ever be enough. im crashing like a car without a driver, my body is void of direction and purpose. I don't know how to breathe somedays and somedays I breathe too much I get hiccups full of regret. I look at old pictures full of addiction and empty smiles and wonder if being eight months clean means being eight months void of happiness. I wonder how long it will take for me to be okay

You lied
You didn't love me
Maybe a month ago you did
But now you don't

You don't

That ******* breaks me
You can't wait to see her
The anticipation is probably killing you
The bags under your eyes are making an appearance
But those ******* blue eyes are stealing the show