Did you love me like I love you?
Do you miss me like I miss you?

Are all of the things that you hated, the things you miss the most?
Are you still kicking yourself for thinking of me as soon as you wake up and as soon as you get into bed?

Will I ever not see shimmers of your absence everywhere I look?
Will I ever find someone as exhilarating as you?

Am I going to ever stop wondering if you’re going to message me saying you regret it?
Am I ever going to stop loving you?

When will this get easier?
When will it become me and not us?

Why do you stay?
Why do you stay to hear the shakes in my breath at 4am, why do you pattern your fingertips so delicately around the dimples in my back as I literally attack you as if you are my demons in flesh and blood.
Why do you stay?
Through all of that why do you still want me to hug you to sleep, why do you want to laugh and joke with me on car journeys while we both recite all of the songs we’ve learnt over the past two years that we’re not bored of yet.

Not that I care why, but just that I don’t understand why you go about hurting yourself, for literally nothing.
Am I missing something?

And why
For the love of ******* god do you love to make me feel bad.
When I’m done crying and being an emotional wreck you’re there to cuddle me and put me back together as if you think I deserve it.
What the **** did I do to deserve this?
I didn’t ask for any of it and I sure as hell don’t want it.

Please care about someone that has it in them to care about you.
Because you deserve to be cared about properly.
And I am not that girl.
I wish I could let you love me,
But I can’t.
Because I’m not sure how to love you.

you have taken me
and held me hostage

holding me beneath my craze for you
begging for only my true feelings toward you

my confession of love
is your ransom

You took things that weren’t available to the general public
You had first pick on all the stock and new promotions
Everything you could possibly want and need at your finger tips
Even though you held this position with pride
You always kept the receipt
So that when your satisfaction wasn’t met
You could return all that you had taken
Even though you never gave anything for what you got
You would be rude and unfair about anything trying to help and give a sense of direction

I was Asda
And you were my least favourite
But most loyal customer

you took from me
something i will never get back
you took my life
but you left me living

it ended
but it never finished
from the second it started
i began surviving

from that moment
i never really lived again

people say “recovery is a long road”
there is nothing long about the road
because the road doesn’t exist
sometimes you can’t recover
and from that moment
you’re living with

somewhere in the delicately orchestrated seemily meanless phrase 'I love you' there is significance
well how do you expect anyone to find it when you spit it down the throat of every women who has ever made you feel good whilst simultaneously ******* her soul off her tongue young college boy
that is to say i've seen heartbreak i watched him shoot it, beat it and sure as hell defeat it
how can I say this so you will understand she hears your lies wrap around her ankles as she ties her laces
she feels your god dam carelessness rhythm in her ears as she plays piano
she sees the heart she wished you had beat venomously out of her chest as she says to the bar man 'on more on           him'

you loath in her finger tips desperately awaiting to be shaken
but there is nothing that can awaken what you've so shamelessly broken

the fragments of you still dust off of the shower curtain as she pulls it across so vigorously desperately trying to forget the first night you met

the pieces of you that were left behind make sure that you never leave her mind or even begin to find what could once be kind

she never believed the line she always doubted the love she said it was the way he finely dots his i's and crosses his t's
this is to say she knew that when you want to express love it really is no careful hand written letter it's a drunken night on a step when in the mist of the giggles you accidentally just amplify it as if it were so lost in the love

the deluded reality that is no longer you, how can it feel so far from true when you first touched me roses turned violet and the grass turned blue now when you touch me
i softly say
don't

what a shame it is indeed, the girl who believed in glitter and rainbows is now drowning in a sea of not so perfect love

that's the thing about love it's drawn as a beautiful ******* picture one you'd frame or hang on your wall but in reality love is what ***** the life from within you destroying your barely salvaged soul whilst watching you drive a pole into the hole

while this was supposed to be about the petals falling from roses as he withdraws his promise you always keep you close
it became a blood bath of my guts and honesty
that's the thing about love it makes you accidentally honest at the worst of times

i feel lost in the pieces of you that i adore
it’s like im consumed in the fact that
i am liable to hold onto things, and i’ll hoard you forever

you make me feel warm up and down the inside of my chest
when with you, i feel safe and secure and my mind is free to rest

i wish that i could love you
because you are more than i could have desired
but my heart is so tired
and i don’t want you to have any of me
if it isn’t the best of me

im living in euphoria
and i don’t want it to end
magic is seeping from my pores
dazzling everyone around me
with the best version of myself

im all the way up on cloud nine
all i can do is pray i don’t fall
helplessly hoping
i haven’t confused the cloud
for a high horse
because the fall from one
will hurt more than the other

im feeling the happiness flutter in my tummy
it’s pulsating around my veins
i don’t think anyone
could take this feeling away

im happy to announce
i am finally
falling in love with my life
all over again

Everything I do hurts a little without you
I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel now
I feel like I need one last cuddle where you embrace me and make me feel safe
I wish I could have one last night where I’m laid by your side and you pattern my spine with your finger tips
I want one more night of smoking and takeaways when we pretend that we are the only people on the planet that matter and exist
I need you to look at me the way you did after you hadn’t seen me in a while, one last time because I’m longing for that sense of belonging
I’m convincing myself that maybe if I could relive all of these precious moments with you
Maybe I could relive my time spent with you
And it would never really have to end
Soon I will be used to doing things on my own
And you will too
But I will forever hold the times we shared close

You and me, never together but with each other forever

The bags under her eyes
As dark as the lies
**** knows why she tries
Pregnant mums take crack
Desperately trying to get by
With their deadbeat highs
But when their dads take smack
And the rest of their family attack
Can you honestly say she's whack?
The truth is
She doesn't know if it's his
Because all of his mates
Use her for beat and ****
Take of the ******* cape
You're not Henry the IIIV
Just incase
You call her a basket case
Why don't you try and embrace
The ******* chase
In attempt to find happiness, in the race
Can you imagine the dark place
Her mind lays
Does she rest?
Please let her sacrifice the quest
Stop testing for the best
You're destroying the lack of culture
You're acting like vultures
Their lives have punctures
Where you've stolen all that means much
Can you blame her for that clutch
She has on her baby, who is Dutch
Lay her body to rest
When she fell
Not a chance in hell
I could break the spell
The maid rang the bell
But no one came out their shell
"Overdose round off episode two"
They grunted under their voice
Stop acting like you have no choice
Use that voice
And act like you give a ****
whether it a duck, buck or truck
You give it your best and chance your luck

on the way
to find something to make me less empty
I passed a street sign
I ended up streets away
lost in the clouds
staring at the beautiful architecture
the art made me feel safe
I was kissing bottles
I was toking plants
but nothing make me more safe
than the architecture
which was you

I've done my fair bit
of ending up in the wrong place
making the wrong choice
but everything felt right,
even the sound of your voice
right there in that very wrong street
the street with the beautiful architecture
with the brown hair and eyes
the beating heart
how is it that
something so beautiful
would end up so brutal

my eyes are grey
my hair is a mess
and my heart barely beats
but I love you
and a stranger who felt like home
an anonymous street
which seemed so identified
why does everything seem so confined
why can't I leave it all behind

the problem is
I aimlessly try and fix things
but I can't untie the strings
the strings that cling
to our empty flings
in the cold and brutal springs
that bring the birds to sing
at the same time as breaking their wings

she is fierce
she is brave
she is bold
she is successful

she is everything the world told her
she couldn’t be
she is all that i aim to become
she will be me

I’ve been told recently that I’m psychotic because I don’t want people who aren’t good for me around anymore

I’ve been called selfish because I’ve put myself first in only the most detrimental of situations

I’ve learnt that even people who have fooled me into thinking are really good people for years, are actually not

I’ve been told I’m going to lose everyone because I have not been afraid to tell people when they’ve upset me

I’ve been called the runt of the family for speaking loudly and proudly about how our opinions differ

I’ve learnt that I am a hell of a lot stronger
Than I ever wanted to learn
I’ve learnt that only from beneath the ground do flowers grow
Thank you for burying me  
And giving me this opportunity to blossom

sometimes your heart will hurt
and you will have no idea why
but it’s not important why, it’s just you do everything you need to for yourself when it does

sometimes people will do really ****** things
for no reason at all
and it doesn’t matter how many time you explain your point of view, they will never let you feel like you’re right for feeling how you feel

people have no obligation to love you
and it hurts a lot when you first encounter this being acted out
but there’s many more of these scenarios to come, so plenty of time to get used to it

people just leave your life
sometimes they drift
and sometimes they up and go
but either way, if they’re not there they don’t deserve to be
and you’ll make it either way

the worst thing that can possibly happen in every situation, is that you die
and to be honest, do you think you know when you’re dead?
so every risk, is an opportunity
every boundary, is a point to be reached

live fiercely, because you only live for you

you’re a shapeshifting demon
and you fooled me for too long
but i’ve ran out of reason
to justify all you’ve done wrong

there was a time that we were friends
sadly there comes a time that everything ends
and you are something i’m glad to leave behind
i truly hope, you look but never find
someone who looks after you like I did

A feeling all too familiar, a feeling that follows me everywhere that I go
It shall not sleep nor shall it simmer, prominent until recognised

A feeling that shadows you, even in the morning light
It hates you as much as you hate it, which is why it has so much control over you

A feeling that makes you hate yourself, even though self love is your platform
It clouds your sense of reality, and takes over your fate

A feeling that ties you to the bed, even when you’ve got **** to do
It makes the thought of getting dressed, seem like a challenge similar to that of climbing Mount Everest

A feeling that wants to cuddle and comfort you, although that entails smoothering you until you feel like you can’t breathe
It will make you feel empty, until you are

A feeling that will steal your friends and family, even the way you see your life
It will try to predetermine your goals, and make you feel like you deserve nothing more

A feeling that, even at 11:11 is too loud to ignore
It can’t be turned off to wish for something different, the control runs deeper than that

A feeling you can see so familiar in someone else, and you try to intervene
It doesn’t matter though, because when it’s you you’re in it alone

A feeling of pure, total, shambolic misery.
It will not be ignored, it will not sleep

I adore him
and that is the beginning and end of everything

he is the greatest thing
I never planned

he feels warm and familiar
when I feel most lost

he feels solid and safe
when I’m most vulnerable

he came without warning
and had my heart before I could say no

I promise to trust him
because he always helps me gasp for air
when someone has left me drowning

I will always treasure him
because anywhere that I am held in his arms
feels more like home than any house ever could

it is no surprise I get lost in his blue eyes
I have always feared deep waters
but I long to drown in his ocean eyes

on the day he turns and looks at me
to say “after all this time?”
I will simply gaze back and reply “always”

when I met him
he was easy on the eyes
and by no surprise
his heart had me mesmerised

I adore him
and that is the beginning and end of everything

i am desperate to be loved
with no intention of loving

I’m not sure
if it’s dangerous
or beautiful
to love someone that could never love you

I guess it’s both
it’s beautiful because even when you have nothing, not even reason
and you feel like your hands are worn down to the bone
you still pour out all of the love
you think they deserve

It’s dangerous because you will give and give and give
until the only thing left to trade is your life
it has been diminished to be worth nothing more than a little love
for someone who is not even willing to give a little time

It’s more dangerous than it is beautiful
because you will actually consider
giving life for love

times spent with you
are times I wish stood still
every second precious
wishing it to was never ending

patterning your spine with my fingertips
delicately because I know you’ve been broken
people have taken all you were willing to give
and offered nothing in return

so all I ask is that you hold me
just the way that you do
until I can return
all of your goodness to you

I will right all of the wrongs of the past
and treasure you like you will be my last
If you need someone to sacrifice oxygen
because you are suffocating
I will hold you
until you catch your breath

you are that *****
you are the girl that wakes up every morning and does everything for everyone
straightening their collars and wiping their tears making sure they’re good for the day

you are that *****
that checks everyone has eaten, bathed and has somewhere to sleep if they need
you put the pieces of people back together even when they thought it was broken

you are that *****
the ***** who warms peoples hearts with the coldest of conversations and topics
the one who makes us wish we could hate you because you’re such a ******* realist

you are the *****
who has no idea what she is capable of
you are that *****
that cannot see your worth in a telescope
you are the *****
that we need to give the boss *** back to