I walked up to the pearly gates
and rang the golden bell
Saint Peter popped his
head out and he gave a hearty yell

He said 'what are you doing here
you're supposed to be alive?'
I said 'I blew my brains out
with a magnum 45'

'In that case I can't let you in'
Saint Peter sadly said
'You've got to take the
dark road to that other place instead'

I thanked him for his kindness
and he sent me on my way
I turned onto that evil road
and slowly walked away

The path was long and winding
and the scenery was bare
It reminded me of Kansas
when Dorothy lived there

I seemed to walk for hours
but it could have been much more
Then up ahead I saw a light
behind a wooden door

A man appeared quite suddenly
from where, I do not know
He said 'my name is Lucifer
but you can call me Joe'

He led me to the wooden door
and gave a mighty shove
The thing swung open slowly
and a light shone from above

To my surprise I did not see
the brimstone, flame or tar
Just a band of really happy folks
all drinking at a bar

Virginia Woolf and Hemingway
were sitting with Van Gogh
While Kurt Cobain was sipping wine
with Magdalene Kahlo

And Lenny Bruce was telling jokes
that made Cleopatra blush
And Hunter T. wrote frantically
As always, in a rush

Old Joe he only grinned at me
and slapped me on the back
'You didn't really think that
I would torture Kerouac?'

He called out to the bartender
and soon I had a brew
'I must admit" I said to him
before my beer was through

‘I expected something different
in the land of pain and dread'
Old Joe gave me a wicked smile
and this is what he said:

'Take a look around you son
and tell me what you see'
I saw ten thousand people
not including Joe and me

And suddenly it hit me like a
bolt out of the blue
'All these people left the world
before their time was due'

Joe finished up his bottle and
he tossed it in the sand
He said 'son every one of them
has died by their own hand

You see they lived their Hell on earth
on that you can't deny
They know what pain is really like
so I don't even try'

So friends I am still sitting here
it's been a year or so
Tomorrow night I've got a date
with Marilyn Monroe

We're going to see Hendrix
at the Fillmore down below
And the word is Janis Joplin
will be opening the show

And I don't believe that Heaven
could exact a higher praise
They can keep their harps and
trumpets...

I prefer my Purple Haze

My mom came in and caught me
playing with my bone
She said ‘my God! oh Jesus!
won’t you leave that thing alone!’
I said ‘I’m sorry mother
but you really should have knocked.
Instead you barged right in here
and you caught me with my ****’.

She said ‘I guess I shouldn’t have
just walked right through the door
But honestly I had no clue
of what you had in store
I think you need to find a girl
who’s pretty and refined
I think that if you keep this up
you're liable to go blind

I told her that was non-sense
An old religious lie
She said 'get dressed
and come with me
and Christ pull up your fly
I'm taking you to see the priest
he'll fix your problem quick'
I said 'it's him who taught me
how to fiddle with my *****'.

My mother gasped in horror
then she boxed my little ears
She put me flat across her lap
and spanked my little rear
She said 'how dare you say
such things about a man of God
I hope that when he sees you
that he doesn't spare the rod'.

I said 'I doubt that mother
and I think it is a sin
That all us little altar boys
should take it on the chin
But either way it matters not
whatever may transpire
For a man of God is never wrong
while a boy is just a liar'

Sitting round the barbecue
there's Paddy, Jeff and me
Mary is on Paddy's right
as happy as can be
Kath is sitting next to Jon
while Chrissy chats with Fay
Paddy passes round the brew
on an orange, plastic tray

Someone grabs a guitar
and begins a happy song
No one knows the melody
but still we sing along
Over comes old Lucifer
his hooves are keeping time
Three hot dogs on his pitch fork
(and one of them is mine)

"I hate to break this up" he says
"the boss is on his way
And if we don't pass muster
then there will be Hell to pay
So put away that beer my friends
and hide that barbecue
Now everyone look miserable
and maybe we'll get through".

A golden light came shining in
as Jesus crossed the room
Paddy swung a pick ax
and I swept with a broom
And Lucifer he cursed at us
and cracked an evil whip
And then a half gone Fosters
went and fell from Paddy's hip.

You could have heard a pin
drop as that bottle hit the floor
Lucifer just shook his head
he knew what was in store
But Jesus Christ he grabbed
that brew and gave a wicked smile
"For an ice cold pint of Fosters
I would walk a country mile"

So the joint again was rockin’
And Jesus lead the way
He said “if it were up to me
I think that I would stay”
Then he downed another bottle
And he said ‘oh by the way,
My dad would not be cool with
this so hold your tongues, ok?"

We never let the secret slip
and all is right and well
And if you’d like to join
us at this barbecue in Hell
Then we have a simple rule
you see, that everyone abides
You can come and go eternally
but religion stays outside.

I looked outside my window
and man what did I see
An angel and a devil
they were sitting in
my tree
And on a branch between them
hung an apple ruby red
I asked them what the deal was
and this is what they said:

“A man he has two choices
and soon he must decide
He can follow the instructions
or throw them to the side
The world is made of black and white
so friend it’s pretty clear
Now kindly make your mind up
and we’ll both be out of here”

I said “you must be joking
there are rainbows everywhere
And fifty different shades of grey
on which we can compare
There's up and down and left and right
and places in between
And a million different colors
that I've never even seen

"No, it's really simple"
said the angel and his friend
"And the sooner that you make
your choice the sooner this will
end
You see we're really busy
and I think it's going to snow
So make your mind up quickly
cuz' we've really got to go"

I said "I must apologize
for I will not decide
I will not play your silly game
on that you can abide
So you might as well get comfortable
yes make yourselves at home
You're going to be up in that tree
until the cows come home"

Well friends that was ten years ago
and still I see them there
They give me the most ***** looks
but I don't really care
They've made their own decision
to sit up in that tree
And if they freeze their ***** off
than what is it to me?

I treat all people kindly
and I'd help you if you fell
And if that isn't good enough
I guess I'll rot in hell
But I think I'll have good company
on this I'm pretty clear
Surrounded by a feast of friends,
and plenty of good cheer

Sitting on a park bench
cutting up a pear
Having me a talk with
a guy who wasn't there
People passing by, they
all gave me funny stares
But I just kept on talking
to the guy who wasn't
there
Then a man in uniform
said 'son come on with me.
You’re scaring all these
people with this friend
they cannot see.
I’ll take you to a special
place and they’ll give you
lots of care
And they’ll help you with
this fantasy of talking to
the air'
I said 'well OK officer
I’ll gladly come with you
But what about the thousand
folks all sitting in the pew?
I saw them at St. Timothy's
all packed in like sardines
Talking to some other guy
that no one's ever seen
So I think it would be prudent
And I think it's only fair
That you send a couple
buses for them people
over there.
Then take the great big lot
of us yes all one thousand
one
Over to that special place
you mentioned in line one
Or maybe it was line thirteen
in truth I do not care
As long as we can all converse
with the guy who isn't there.

The ground is shaking
(or maybe the bed)
Visions of Avalon dance
in my head
The serpent of Eden
asleep in my bed
While blues and yellows
melt into red.

‘Listen!’
a voice whispers
‘And I will tell you why
the Savior bled:

'Do not tell lies
or do what you hate
and all shall be known
before Heaven's gate
For all that is hidden,
no longer concealed
And nothing unknown
will remain unrevealed’.

Waking in darkness
the moonlight surrounds
Something has shifted
yet remains out of bounds
Outside my window
in darkness I see
Two serpent eyes
in the old apple
tree

There's darkness
rising in the land

Strange dead
hands reaching
through the ether
to drag souls back
to oblivion's
devastating abyss

Oh, never mind...

It's just the Tea Party