all the tellings
whispered from
my voice's dwellings
come back
dried and empty;
sadder than
their legacies.

i told myself
all i needed was
a gentle friend
who'd help me mend
the wounds i made
as an escape.

i told myself
all i needed was
a boy who saw
the world in my eyes
to make me alive
and wash away
the tears i shed.

i told myself
all i needed to do
was shed weight to lose
years of abuse
off my beaten back.

and now i have all
that ive wanted before
but im too scared to talk
to the people who care
i dont want to burden
their happiness with
my lack there of.

what do i do now?
i cant smoke
cant pop pills
cant poke
holes in my veins
to let out the pain
anymore.

what do i do  
when there's no where to go
to rid myself of these thoughts
the things done to me
the things that ive done
that i dont want to live with
no, i dont want to live anymore.

its not life
i dont want
its me
i cant bear.

what do i do now?

washed off the dirt
only to unearth
it's under my skin.

wish i could flee
from everything
as if i were free
from death's reach.

they didn't think id stick it through
the artery on my neck
or that I'd point the gun tip to
the snug bone lining my chin
or take the knife and twist it twice
up both my ***** arms
they didn't think I'd **** myself
I didn't think they were wrong.

why must I
prioritize
happiness
in someone else's
eyes?

how i love your melody
i hear its tone quite often—
resonating deep in me
i crave your burning passion.

and that was when i realized
staring into my own eyes
my identity unrecognized
that all it was was broken ties

failed academically
failed monetarily
make the one person i love
feel like picking up the gun