"is there anything in my teeth?"
"no, but they sure are perfect"
you sure know how to be a kiss-***
I scoff but smiled- it kept me calm
I love how you care about the things
you know that are important to me
"hey mom, there is someone I want you to meet"
go big or go home, right?
you two spoke for hours
I've never been so happy to be the third wheel
a few mojitos too deep
I couldn't help but admire
the two women I love the most
love each other.

I missed this

740 days
17760 hours
1065600 minutes
63936000 seconds

I knew I felt off
it was the day after
I should have known
I forgot...

here

I have everything I will
ever need to live a life
that is just as precious
as the pages as this
book we have written together
called truth

here

I realized I didn’t need to “loosen up”
I will greet you with a mouth full of barbed wire
until you learn to stop approaching me
with your hands
I am not a fantasy
and I am especially not yours
anger does not save
but boundaries do

I look back on what you wrote me
3 years ago
often in bittersweet fashion
the things you said about "staying open"
and it took me that amount of time to get there
3 years
it hurt like hell but I did it
I hope you are proud
I am nothing like I used to be

often times I wake up sweating
still stuck in my nightmares
ones where I rather die then
remember those experiences
they leave me still for hours in
a pain more agonizing than grief
I was strong enough to leave
although I am still fearful
combing gravel out of wounds that
I never asked for
now I have to prepare myself
for the conversations about the
scars that are left

she woke me up by kissing me
slowly.
all over.

for a second, she paused.
"I am going to keep kissing you until you wake up"
she warned.

with my eyes still closed, I smiled and told her
"I guess you'll have to keep kissing me forever
because I am not waking up"

and without hesitation,
she said "okay."
as if the thought of forever didn't scare her at all.
as if kissing me was all she wanted for the rest of her life.

and she kept kissing me.
slowly.
all over.

I want to get better

"are you doing alright? I haven't heard from you in a while"
my mother texted me and I finally realized
when I enjoy my life - proud of the life I live
I capture it like it is the first time
text, photos, videos, phone calls
whether I have done it a million times or not
photos on trails and outlooks, the smallest good news,
phone calls that last for hours and hours
"hey mom! look at this! look what I did!"
sometimes even videos to pick out my outfits
others would say a bit naive
October rolled around and I realized
it only took two for me to no longer be proud
no text, no photos, no videos, or calls
I was no longer me

living often lies in between the memories
or at least the things we think are memorable
but often those things will stick with us
the things we truly miss are the things
that slip our mind the quickest
the common places
the things we had done so many times
we just forgot
the things we eventually took for granted

although you almost killed me
you gave me a reason to live
not the life you wanted-
but one where I am truly myself

I remember frantically calling you
every what if thought on my mind
it was very much unlike you to not answer
I came up the steps to the house
I could see you dancing with my mom
from outside the living room window...
hearing laughter and shrieks of happiness
I had not seen her smile like that since I was young
my mom still talks about you sometimes...
sometimes I think she mourns more than I do

I think we are all still healing from it

soul spilling cash shelling
water wrecking—
I speak to the fears that live in
the basement of my heart
we are quite cordial
although they’ve become strangers
as I explore this new life cracked open
“don’t you miss it all”
it’s hard to miss a life I never truly knew
I accept these faults although
I do not live with them
with new favorite spots
healthy habits
and personal “quirks”
I peel back a little bit of skin everyday
I choose to share my fragile moments
because I know…

I am strong enough to let someone in

I made the 116mi drive alone
in silence, yet there wasn't a quiet moment
walking the street brought nostalgia
although I had never been there before
I could see it as a place you and I would
go every year - special occasions
as I walked in, I could not recognize myself
I don't think I could see us with this life
in this life, just not the one we painted
at least not as one.

I asked for a table for one.

I stood up to go on a night stroll
overwhelmed and anxious
you insisted on coming
you knew it was something I did by myself
although you came- you were silent
with no pressure to perform or explain
you held my hand and kissed my shoulder
an hour and a half went by and you said
"we are here... whatever it is.. we will be okay".

sand crusted eyes and auburn tint hair
honeyeaters chirping outside the window
“you’re not the same bloke you used to be”
I feel a drenched wetsuit graze my face
“you just going to stare at me? get up!”
she opens all the living room windows as I stretch out upon the couch
the hardwood floors are lukewarm
I can smell the saltwater from here
I almost forgot what the horizon looked like
“grab your board, I want to show you a spot”
she said as she rushed out the front door
I could hear the pajero start from the kitchen
I scampered down the stairs and tossed my board on the upper racks
as we drove, we traced all the familiar roads
filled with the sweetest memories
the music faded in and out with small static in between- it felt almost feverish
we rolled to a stop on a questionable trail
she could see the confusion in my eyes but I knew I could trust her
we began the hike of what felt like forever
upon surfacing from the trees
I saw what I only thought I’d see in my dreams
so captivating- I stopped and stared
the sand felt like cloth and the water was flat
“all the legends start here”
she began running to the water and I trailed close behind
and for a split second we were 10 years old again
racing each other to the shore
she always won anyways-
we paddled far beyond the outside
the sun began to break the horizon
we sat and watched as it reflected on the water
I brushed my hand upon the surface
It was like touching a painting
I felt weightless
I closed my eyes
I could feel the warmth upon my skin

“I guess you’re a benny now”
“I guess I am”

there was a bit of silence that past-

“are you alright?”
“yeah, it’s just good to be home…”

I think it is more of laying in bed with a person
you are no longer in love with and searching
for every reason to stay as they each
dissipate before your eyes...
everything once admirable now sending
you into a deep dark you've never discovered.
knowing all of it I stay,
I know sooner or later
I'd turn into you..

the hardest pill to swallow is realizing
that people who don't get obsessed with you
right away means they aren't looking for someone
to make them feel good
this means they're actually looking at you for you
who you are
then you realize that everyone who got obsessed wit
h you immediately was just because of how
you made them feel
not because they actually loved you

I am from chipped beveled glass
from hand-me-downs and prideful hearts
I am from the burning cities of Perth
where art is a way of life and beaches are home
I am from a peaceless nights' sleep
with covered ears and whimpering cries
I am from closet thoughts
from the "what ifs" and "could nevers"
I am from the empty holidays
with lonely living rooms and booked flights

off season bearings
just by a month
not all things ripe have fallen
waiting just for you
beauty with every purpose
with no intentions of partaking
fresh stitches at every seam
you too only last for two
so we make the best of time
doused with laughter and sunburnt cheeks
didn't know spring could last a lifetime
two , two weeks of bloom--
and we're already half way through
the seasons don't deter the seeds we sow
with sunshine like her its endless
so we water with unknowing scythes
knowing that any season can be ours