maybe you'll find home in the silence
or comfort in the canopy of the trees .
the soft coos of the wind bring peace .
you'll call it home and never want to leave .
but for I... this freedom has been relished for
simply a nightfall with many more to come and
stories to be told . It never disappoints ; the home
I found in this silence is irreplaceable...

one day it clicked,
I didn't leave because I stopped loving you.
I left because the longer I stayed
the less I loved myself.
in exchange for your self-loathing, sadness,
and fears - I gave you my optimism,
confidence,
and patience.

I just wanted you to love yourself like I loved you.
the weight of the both of us is too heavy to bear.

I think it is more of laying in bed with a person
you are no longer in love with and searching
for every reason to stay as they each
dissipate before your eyes...
everything once admirable now sending
you into a deep dark you've never discovered.
knowing all of it I stay,
I know sooner or later
I'd turn into you..

here

I have everything I will
ever need to live a life
that is just as precious
as the pages as this
book we have written together
called truth

here

I’m better although-
it comes and goes as everything else does
sometimes I still cry when I eat by myself-
especially when I’m sick
something I used to enjoy so much
I cry
not because I feel lonely but-
because it reminds me of February
I know it gets easier
but it doesn’t change the fact it is hard
sometimes I will film it
it makes the time go by faster
I watch them sometimes
watching the tears become just sad faces-
that turn to half smiles til there is nothing left

living often lies in between the memories
or at least the things we think are memorable
but often those things will stick with us
the things we truly miss are the things
that slip our mind the quickest
the common places
the things we had done so many times
we just forgot
the things we eventually took for granted

often times I wake up sweating
still stuck in my nightmares
ones where I rather die then
remember those experiences
they leave me still for hours in
a pain more agonizing than grief
I was strong enough to leave
although I am still fearful
combing gravel out of wounds that
I never asked for
now I have to prepare myself
for the conversations about the
scars that are left

I stood up to go on a night stroll
overwhelmed and anxious
you insisted on coming
you knew it was something I did by myself
although you came- you were silent
with no pressure to perform or explain
you held my hand and kissed my shoulder
an hour and a half went by and you said
"we are here... whatever it is.. we will be okay".

frequently - I am not present.
although, every time I-
fixed your hair,
rubbed your back,
held your hand,
clasped your necklace,
wiped your eyes,
things I have done for
myself -
countless times.

I was there.

and every day that went by
I felt like I was selling my dreams
everything vanishing before my eyes
there is a thin line between
comfort and complacency
for I have never sat still
I rather not find out

"is there anything in my teeth?"
"no, but they sure are perfect"
you sure know how to be a kiss-***
I scoff but smiled- it kept me calm
I love how you care about the things
you know that are important to me
"hey mom, there is someone I want you to meet"
go big or go home, right?
you two spoke for hours
I've never been so happy to be the third wheel
a few mojitos too deep
I couldn't help but admire
the two women I love the most
love each other.

I missed this

I love you
not because you try to pick up the pieces
you allow me to do that on my own
you know I am too prideful to ask for help
you stand along my side and hold me as
I fix the distress I have gathered over time
and when I drop my needle and thread
you are patient

as time passes and I heal
I end up more and more angry
looking back at the things I once

tolerated

and the places I once called

home

the easy choices are that.. easy
I like me when I am by myself
others do too whether they know it or not
It’s pretty often-
nearly everyday
I know that what I seek is from within
so I pull my search to a halt
I make the easy choices
“hey, we need to talk”
I like me when I am by myself
others do too

sand crusted eyes and auburn tint hair
honeyeaters chirping outside the window
“you’re not the same bloke you used to be”
I feel a drenched wetsuit graze my face
“you just going to stare at me? get up!”
she opens all the living room windows as I stretch out upon the couch
the hardwood floors are lukewarm
I can smell the saltwater from here
I almost forgot what the horizon looked like
“grab your board, I want to show you a spot”
she said as she rushed out the front door
I could hear the pajero start from the kitchen
I scampered down the stairs and tossed my board on the upper racks
as we drove, we traced all the familiar roads
filled with the sweetest memories
the music faded in and out with small static in between- it felt almost feverish
we rolled to a stop on a questionable trail
she could see the confusion in my eyes but I knew I could trust her
we began the hike of what felt like forever
upon surfacing from the trees
I saw what I only thought I’d see in my dreams
so captivating- I stopped and stared
the sand felt like cloth and the water was flat
“all the legends start here”
she began running to the water and I trailed close behind
and for a split second we were 10 years old again
racing each other to the shore
she always won anyways-
we paddled far beyond the outside
the sun began to break the horizon
we sat and watched as it reflected on the water
I brushed my hand upon the surface
It was like touching a painting
I felt weightless
I closed my eyes
I could feel the warmth upon my skin

“I guess you’re a benny now”
“I guess I am”

there was a bit of silence that past-

“are you alright?”
“yeah, it’s just good to be home…”

I know why the moon chases the earth
with the smallest rotations -
staying far but never quite moving on
the pull is just too strong to leave
waiting for an eclipse just so they can pass
each other one more time and remember
who they used to be

she smokes blue american spirits and has a tendencies for a few bar fights
her smile makes up for it though
a whole lot of attitude but even more heart
some would say a lover and a fighter
she goes quiet sometimes but
it just means she’s soaking in life
she loves her family, the beach, and quality time
all in a bittersweet way
she plays cold but the truth is told at nightfall
heart beating honest conversation
to show we are both strong

strong enough to love

I am from chipped beveled glass
from hand-me-downs and prideful hearts
I am from the burning cities of Perth
where art is a way of life and beaches are home
I am from a peaceless nights' sleep
with covered ears and whimpering cries
I am from closet thoughts
from the "what ifs" and "could nevers"
I am from the empty holidays
with lonely living rooms and booked flights

off season bearings
just by a month
not all things ripe have fallen
waiting just for you
beauty with every purpose
with no intentions of partaking
fresh stitches at every seam
you too only last for two
so we make the best of time
doused with laughter and sunburnt cheeks
didn't know spring could last a lifetime
two , two weeks of bloom--
and we're already half way through
the seasons don't deter the seeds we sow
with sunshine like her its endless
so we water with unknowing scythes
knowing that any season can be ours